I missed my GA meeting this morning. My husband and daughter went to the doctor. The baby has had a fever for several days so we had to put her on a different antibiotic and my husband still has the flu. Apparently I must have needed sleep after the long week because I slept straight through my alarm until 11:00 am! I am bummed that I missed the meeting this morning, but also know that I need to stay rested and healthy. When I get over tired I tend to have more urges to gamble.
It looks like today will be a lazy day and I am looking forward to that a lot! I am going to email my friends from GA so I continue to stay in touch and because I miss seeing them.
Have a wonderful weekend!
15. Survived the office move!
Well, it has definitely been a long week. We moved the office Wednesday night. That involved coming into work at 8:00 am and staying there until 5:00 am the next day! Needless to say, I worked from home yesterday after a brief period of sleep. Today included 10 hours straight of unpacking boxes and moving boxes - how fun. Now I think I need a week off!
The great thing is that all the exercise has really helped to reduce my stress levels. It is amazing how much I feel better when I am up moving around instead of sitting at a desk all day. My knee has almost entirely healed from surgery and it is great to finally start feeling better.
The best part of the move is that the last month has flown by so quickly that I have not even thought about the casino, which is a wonderful side effect. I really do not think about it much anymore. One of the things that has made recovery easier is playing games on Facebook, it is a great way to relax and take time for myself. I am still watching how much time I spend on the computer. The games are very addictive and can be very consuming if you let them be. It is interesting to watch how I moved from a financially devastating addiction to another addiction that I enjoy just as much! I never thought I could find something that I enjoyed as much as the casino. I am one of those people who has to be challenged and loves to compete and the games meet both of those interests. Life is starting to balance out now. The quality time with my family is wonderful now that I am not stressing about hiding how much I lost, how I was going to pay the bills, or trying to sneak away and get to the casino. Each day I enjoy every moment I have with my family.
One of my girls is in select soccer so we are busy every weekend for most of the year. Last weekend I missed my GA meeting since my daughter's soccer game was at the same time. The week is not the same when I miss a meeting. The meetings are my reminder to stay focused, continue to improve who I am, and to see the progress I have made since I started this journey.
I love how my life is now and will never go back to that horrible place I was in when I was gambling. That life seems so long ago. It is not part of my new life and I no longer miss it! When I started this journey I thought it would be terrible in many ways. I was sure that the urges would occur regularly and that nothing would bring me the excitement and "fun" that gambling did. Recovery has been much easier than I thought. So much of it is due to the wonderful, encouraging, and supportive people in my GA group. Going to the meetings hold me accountable to someone other than myself though I know that if I were to relapse, they would be there to support and not judge me. That fact alone keeps me coming back. There is absolutely no one in the room who judges you if you make a mistake. They completely understand and only want the best for you. If someone slips it is a needed reminder that we could be there if we let our guard down for even a second. One bet and we are back where we were before we started recovery. It is so easy to think that you can go back and gamble like a normal person. I think that is the biggest deception of this illness. The fact that we want so much to be able to go back to the way it was when we first started. No one starts out with a gambling problem in the beginning. As far as I know, it is something that sneaks up on you over time. That is the scary thing. Even if you could control your gambling for a while, eventually the addiction would come back and most likely it would be even worse than before.
One of the most important aspects of my recovery was admitting to myself that the money I lost was gone and that I would never be able to win it back. Even if I did, I would end up spending it and more in the end.
I am so thanking for finding GA and for all of the people that continue to support me. They are why my recovery is going so well and why I have so much hope and faith in the fact that I will beat this illness and continue to remain bet free. With that, I can only say from my experience that it is so difficult to quit this addiction on your own. Having others that truly know and understand the power that this addiction can have over you is what makes recovery possible. It is knowing that they have been there and that you are not alone that enables recovery.
On that note, I am looking forward to my meeting tomorrow, even though I am utterly exhausted and would love to sleep in. I know that as soon as I walk in my meeting I will be so happy that I did get up early. When I leave the meeting I feel centered and focused. Everyone in the meeting remains in my thoughts and prayers all week and I feel energized and ready for the week.
Time to sign off and take a little "me" time! Have a great weekend.
The great thing is that all the exercise has really helped to reduce my stress levels. It is amazing how much I feel better when I am up moving around instead of sitting at a desk all day. My knee has almost entirely healed from surgery and it is great to finally start feeling better.
The best part of the move is that the last month has flown by so quickly that I have not even thought about the casino, which is a wonderful side effect. I really do not think about it much anymore. One of the things that has made recovery easier is playing games on Facebook, it is a great way to relax and take time for myself. I am still watching how much time I spend on the computer. The games are very addictive and can be very consuming if you let them be. It is interesting to watch how I moved from a financially devastating addiction to another addiction that I enjoy just as much! I never thought I could find something that I enjoyed as much as the casino. I am one of those people who has to be challenged and loves to compete and the games meet both of those interests. Life is starting to balance out now. The quality time with my family is wonderful now that I am not stressing about hiding how much I lost, how I was going to pay the bills, or trying to sneak away and get to the casino. Each day I enjoy every moment I have with my family.
One of my girls is in select soccer so we are busy every weekend for most of the year. Last weekend I missed my GA meeting since my daughter's soccer game was at the same time. The week is not the same when I miss a meeting. The meetings are my reminder to stay focused, continue to improve who I am, and to see the progress I have made since I started this journey.
I love how my life is now and will never go back to that horrible place I was in when I was gambling. That life seems so long ago. It is not part of my new life and I no longer miss it! When I started this journey I thought it would be terrible in many ways. I was sure that the urges would occur regularly and that nothing would bring me the excitement and "fun" that gambling did. Recovery has been much easier than I thought. So much of it is due to the wonderful, encouraging, and supportive people in my GA group. Going to the meetings hold me accountable to someone other than myself though I know that if I were to relapse, they would be there to support and not judge me. That fact alone keeps me coming back. There is absolutely no one in the room who judges you if you make a mistake. They completely understand and only want the best for you. If someone slips it is a needed reminder that we could be there if we let our guard down for even a second. One bet and we are back where we were before we started recovery. It is so easy to think that you can go back and gamble like a normal person. I think that is the biggest deception of this illness. The fact that we want so much to be able to go back to the way it was when we first started. No one starts out with a gambling problem in the beginning. As far as I know, it is something that sneaks up on you over time. That is the scary thing. Even if you could control your gambling for a while, eventually the addiction would come back and most likely it would be even worse than before.
One of the most important aspects of my recovery was admitting to myself that the money I lost was gone and that I would never be able to win it back. Even if I did, I would end up spending it and more in the end.
I am so thanking for finding GA and for all of the people that continue to support me. They are why my recovery is going so well and why I have so much hope and faith in the fact that I will beat this illness and continue to remain bet free. With that, I can only say from my experience that it is so difficult to quit this addiction on your own. Having others that truly know and understand the power that this addiction can have over you is what makes recovery possible. It is knowing that they have been there and that you are not alone that enables recovery.
On that note, I am looking forward to my meeting tomorrow, even though I am utterly exhausted and would love to sleep in. I know that as soon as I walk in my meeting I will be so happy that I did get up early. When I leave the meeting I feel centered and focused. Everyone in the meeting remains in my thoughts and prayers all week and I feel energized and ready for the week.
Time to sign off and take a little "me" time! Have a great weekend.
14. Quick post to say hi
I am checking in to say that everything is still going well. Since our office at work is moving this week, it has been extremely crazy! It has definitely left me with little to no time to think about gambling.
In the past, the stress would have driven me straight to the casino, but surprisingly, it does not seem appealing to me anymore. I feel very lucky. Thoughts of the casino still cross my mind, but that is all they do. I do not allow myself to even let me thoughts go down that road. It seems to work best when I acknowledge the thought, reflect on where I am now, and briefly remember where I was before. I can definitely see where the deception of this disease comes in to play. For me, I notice that the farther I am into my recovery, the more I have to remind myself that I absolutely cannot ever go to a casino. It gets easier to think that I would never fall back into the destructive path that I was on before I quite gambling. As soon as I realize that I even subconsciously consider the fact that I would be able to gamble like a "normal" person, I immediately put those thoughts in check. All of this is self talk, but it definitely keeps me on track. When I am honest with myself, I know that I would inevitably end back up right where I was before. Going to GA is very helpful since it is that ongoing, consistent reminder that I do have a gambling addiction that will be with me the rest of my life. That reminder is necessary. I have yet to walk away from a meeting feeling worse than I did before I went. It is so inspiring to look around the room and see how many people have gone well over a year without gambling. That is where I want to be. It has been over four months now since I went to my first GA meeting. I know it may not sound like very long, but to a gambler who used to dread going a week without gambling, it is a substantial amount of time. The best part is that I do not feel like I am missing out on something. In the past I would be agitated and angry if I was not "allowed" to go gambling. It is different this time because I will not allow myself to go even near a casino. It still repulses me when I think about it. The improvements in our finances is a daily reminder of how lucky I am to have found GA and sought help. I cannot imagine how much worse things would have been if I had waited till now or a year from now. Of course, I wish I sought help earlier, but sometimes I think you have to truly hit rock bottom or close to truly want help. Had I not hit that point, I would have kept on gambling for as long as I could.
Anyhow, I just wanted to check in and say hi and let you all know that things are still going very well. Now I need to get some sleep before a lovely 16-hour day tomorrow for the move --- uggghhh.
Have a wonderful week.
In the past, the stress would have driven me straight to the casino, but surprisingly, it does not seem appealing to me anymore. I feel very lucky. Thoughts of the casino still cross my mind, but that is all they do. I do not allow myself to even let me thoughts go down that road. It seems to work best when I acknowledge the thought, reflect on where I am now, and briefly remember where I was before. I can definitely see where the deception of this disease comes in to play. For me, I notice that the farther I am into my recovery, the more I have to remind myself that I absolutely cannot ever go to a casino. It gets easier to think that I would never fall back into the destructive path that I was on before I quite gambling. As soon as I realize that I even subconsciously consider the fact that I would be able to gamble like a "normal" person, I immediately put those thoughts in check. All of this is self talk, but it definitely keeps me on track. When I am honest with myself, I know that I would inevitably end back up right where I was before. Going to GA is very helpful since it is that ongoing, consistent reminder that I do have a gambling addiction that will be with me the rest of my life. That reminder is necessary. I have yet to walk away from a meeting feeling worse than I did before I went. It is so inspiring to look around the room and see how many people have gone well over a year without gambling. That is where I want to be. It has been over four months now since I went to my first GA meeting. I know it may not sound like very long, but to a gambler who used to dread going a week without gambling, it is a substantial amount of time. The best part is that I do not feel like I am missing out on something. In the past I would be agitated and angry if I was not "allowed" to go gambling. It is different this time because I will not allow myself to go even near a casino. It still repulses me when I think about it. The improvements in our finances is a daily reminder of how lucky I am to have found GA and sought help. I cannot imagine how much worse things would have been if I had waited till now or a year from now. Of course, I wish I sought help earlier, but sometimes I think you have to truly hit rock bottom or close to truly want help. Had I not hit that point, I would have kept on gambling for as long as I could.
Anyhow, I just wanted to check in and say hi and let you all know that things are still going very well. Now I need to get some sleep before a lovely 16-hour day tomorrow for the move --- uggghhh.
Have a wonderful week.
13. Stress!
I apologize for the lack of posts over the last week or so. Our office is moving before the end of the month and of course, I am coordinating everything :-). The good news is that when you are working 12 hours a day you do not have time to think about gambling! I am sure this post will have grammatical errors/typos since I will not be awake long enough to proof it before I post it so I apologize in advane!
In the past, stress and exhaustion were major triggers for me to go gambling. It was my escape from reality and I loved every second of it while I was there. I guess I had a feeling of entitlement. It sounds stupid and selfish now that I can see things more clearly. Honestly, I felt that because I had an extremely stressful job and made good money I deserved to go. It was my way of taking time for me. I justified it in my mind so easily. There were so many excuses. They ranged from "I do not spend any money on myself besides gambling" to "I work too hard to never take time for me," or "gambling keeps me from getting depressed - it makes me happy and is something I truly enjoy." The important thing to note here is the overwhelming, excessive use of the word "I" in all of the logic above. Everything revolved around me and at no time did I take into consideration my husband or children's feelings. I felt that I always "found a way" to fix the money problems so I was not hurting anyone. The reality was that I was not hurting them at that moment, but that was only because they did not know the extent to which I had ruined us financially. I just kept obtaining loans to cover previous loans and ultimately spent more money on loan fees than I had at the casino.
Most of my losses actually occurred through the loans and not necessarily during my trips to the casino. It was those nights where I would spend the money I had planned on spending for the evening and then go into this other reality where it did not matter if I spent more money, went to the cash machine one more time, or did whatever else I could do to access money because I would simply win it back and put it back in the bank. Many times that did work, but when it did not work, I would go into panic mode and most times when I walked out of the casino I had no idea how much money I truly spent that evening. Then, after I checked the bank account when I got home and tried to calculate in all of the "POS" debits I had taken after I hit my max daily withdrawal limit, or tried to figure out exactly how much money I received by writing checks, I would calculate how I was going to get a payday loan and get it in the bank before anyone found out. After that, I would spend every day up to my next payday trying to figure out how I was going to make the minimum payment plus fees, which usually resulted in obtaining another smaller loan so money I paid on the first loan would not be missed. (You can see where this is going - need I say that this was a very bad plan that did not work out so well!)
Living in a constant state of unhappiness and putting oneself through that amount of stress is insane. I truly believe with every ounce of my soul that gambling truly leads to prison, insanity, or death. This can take six months or twenty years, but no matter how long it takes, the end result is the same. That is no way to live and how I could (and still do) use the word "fun" when I talk about the casino I do not know. So, I can testify to the "insanity" part!
In many ways the statements I made above about my reasons for gambling are somewhat true, but not in the way you would think. After evaluating those thoughts, I gained insight to how much control gambling had on my life.
1. "I do not spend any money on myself besides gambling." Yes, I did not spend money on myself - that is because I did not want to spend a single dollar of my "casino" money (which was essentially every dollar I had).
2. "I work too hard to never take time for me." This is true, I work very hard under extreme levels of stress in a difficult environment. The reality is that I could have looked for a new job if I had not destroyed our financial situation as much as I had. Essentially I backed myself into a corner and there was no way out. I had to face up to this fact and deal with the fact that I had to make it work until our finances get back under control.
3. "Gambling keeps me from getting depressed - it makes me happy and is something I truly enjoy." Now if that isn't an oxymoron I do not know what is. My reasoning behind that thought process at the time was that I had tons of energy when I am gambling, I was not sitting around at home depressed. It is true that I was happy at times while gambling. The key word is "at times." I was so convinced that I loved to gamble. Most of the time that was true. As things became progressively worse, my gambling started triggering my depression, it caused severe anxiety, lack of sleep, and financial devastation. When I would try to reduce the number of trips I took to the casino, I would just spend more money when I did go. If I stopped gambling, I would get deeply depressed because I had to face reality and could not hide from it. My mind would go a million miles an hour - usually trying to figure out how to replace the money I had taken out of the account. So, what may have started out as a great outlet turned out to be much worse than the original problems.
What really bothers me the most is that I probably gambled for at least eight years with no problems whatsoever. I would walk in with $40, play till it was gone and walk out. That was it. The funny thing is I probably won around $11,000 the first year I gambled (that is after anything I lost was subtracted out). The most I ever went to the casino was possibly five times a month. I had great luck, had everything under control - I never had to control the "compulsive" side of my personality at that time, it was strictly entertainment and nothing more. The next several years it was still a hobby, I would always come out ahead over the period of a year and I never used "bill" money to gamble. Things continued on for several more years and this is probably where I slowly started to lose control. I remarried, made more money at my job, and was no longer supporting three children on my own. Essentially I had a greatly enhanced gambling budget. Even though I had bumped up over time to spending around $200 in a night, it had no impact on our finances and was considered "fun" money. At this time my husband would go with me and we had a lot of fun. I was still fun to be around, did not turn into a crazy person, and could still enjoy conversation and spending time with my hubby. The amount of money and time I spent at the casinos slowly increased over time and before I knew it I was thinking about it all of the time and it was starting to play way too big of a part in my life.
Inevitably, I would have hit rock bottom had I stayed on my slow steady path to destruction, but I think it could have taken another ten years to hit that point. Rock bottom came much more quickly for me because they put in a casino less than 20 minutes from my house. Previously I had to drive over an hour each way to go to the casino so it was always a planned outing, I could never "sneak" away and go gamble. Talk about being excited! A casino so close. I was convinced that it would be great because I could just "run" in with $20 bucks and once that was gone I could just leave because I knew I could come back soon thereafter to play again. It was a great idea, but not what happened. Due to the easy access, I did go more often, ended up spending more, and let it become a disproportionate part of my life. Also, I almost always lost at the new casino. The previous casinos I would always win often enough to cover anything I may have lost and it would always even out. This new casino was "evil." The payouts were few and far between and when I did win it would be about a fourth of what I would win at the other casinos. This is where it got ugly. Since I was no longer winning back my losses I started spending more and betting higher with the hopes of winning a larger jackpot that I could use to pay off bills and to replace much of the money I had wasted away. Problem is I went from winning a jackpot at least every month or two to never winning a single one. Don't get me wrong, I did win here and there, but it was never enough to just "walk out." By then, I had already lost so much money I figured I was destined to start winning.
Again, talk about insanity! As my husband would say - put the shovel down and quit digging!
When thoughts of the casino cross my mind, I initially feel that rush and excitement that I always did. The difference now is that I do not linger on those thoughts. I immediately focus on the countless nights I walked out of the casino - penniless, disgusted with my self, stressed out, usually insanely late, and just plain miserable. No longer do I hold onto that picture I had in my mind that drew me to the casino. The picture that included the excitement, the lights, the sounds when someone hit a jackpot, etc. It sounds so simple but I really feel that actively changing this picture in my mind and realizing the deception that occurred each time I danced with thoughts of the casino has drastically contributed to reducing the urges quickly and pretty painlessly.
PROGRESS
So, it has been over 120 days since I went to my first GA meeting. There is no way I could have ever known how drastically different my life would be after I quite gambling. I am still amazed by all of the emotional changes that have occurred already. Things that I thought would take years are changing in just weeks and months. My relationships with my kids are so much better. I am actually emotionally involved again in their lives. I was always present physically, but many times a million miles away mentally and emotionally.
When I decided to stop gambling, I strictly thought it was a financial problem. I did have serious concerns about my health due to the substantial amount of stress I put myself through on a daily basis. One of my main reasons for stopping gambling was that I was worried I would have a heart attack from stress before I turned 40. I was aging myself so quickly and not taking care of myself.
Now, work is going better due to changes in me such as improved focus, less "sick" days, empathy for others, etc. Where before I was always burning the candle at both ends with the end result always being lack of sleep, I am not able to pace myself and my health is getting better too. It is by no means perfect nor is life, but I am mentally stronger to deal with life's challenges and am no longer creating my own problems.
CLOSING
I am happy to be back blogging. Of course I am absolutely exhausted due to the office move, and I am up way past my bedtime, I needed this time to take inventory of my emotions, stress level, and overall mental well-being. So many days it is easy to get caught up in life and just go through the motions, following the same patterns, and falling into a rut. This blog is my outlet. It keeps me grounded and helps me remember how much pain gambling caused me. When the day comes that I get that urge to gamble and it does not pass as quickly as the other urges have, I plan on reading my posts so I can mentally go back to where I was when I hit rock bottom and keep on reading until the urge is gone. If that does not stop me, I truly am INSANE!
Well, I have to be up for work in five hours so I have to run. After the end of the month I will definitely post more often, but will do my best between now and then. Thanks for reading this.
In the past, stress and exhaustion were major triggers for me to go gambling. It was my escape from reality and I loved every second of it while I was there. I guess I had a feeling of entitlement. It sounds stupid and selfish now that I can see things more clearly. Honestly, I felt that because I had an extremely stressful job and made good money I deserved to go. It was my way of taking time for me. I justified it in my mind so easily. There were so many excuses. They ranged from "I do not spend any money on myself besides gambling" to "I work too hard to never take time for me," or "gambling keeps me from getting depressed - it makes me happy and is something I truly enjoy." The important thing to note here is the overwhelming, excessive use of the word "I" in all of the logic above. Everything revolved around me and at no time did I take into consideration my husband or children's feelings. I felt that I always "found a way" to fix the money problems so I was not hurting anyone. The reality was that I was not hurting them at that moment, but that was only because they did not know the extent to which I had ruined us financially. I just kept obtaining loans to cover previous loans and ultimately spent more money on loan fees than I had at the casino.
Most of my losses actually occurred through the loans and not necessarily during my trips to the casino. It was those nights where I would spend the money I had planned on spending for the evening and then go into this other reality where it did not matter if I spent more money, went to the cash machine one more time, or did whatever else I could do to access money because I would simply win it back and put it back in the bank. Many times that did work, but when it did not work, I would go into panic mode and most times when I walked out of the casino I had no idea how much money I truly spent that evening. Then, after I checked the bank account when I got home and tried to calculate in all of the "POS" debits I had taken after I hit my max daily withdrawal limit, or tried to figure out exactly how much money I received by writing checks, I would calculate how I was going to get a payday loan and get it in the bank before anyone found out. After that, I would spend every day up to my next payday trying to figure out how I was going to make the minimum payment plus fees, which usually resulted in obtaining another smaller loan so money I paid on the first loan would not be missed. (You can see where this is going - need I say that this was a very bad plan that did not work out so well!)
Living in a constant state of unhappiness and putting oneself through that amount of stress is insane. I truly believe with every ounce of my soul that gambling truly leads to prison, insanity, or death. This can take six months or twenty years, but no matter how long it takes, the end result is the same. That is no way to live and how I could (and still do) use the word "fun" when I talk about the casino I do not know. So, I can testify to the "insanity" part!
In many ways the statements I made above about my reasons for gambling are somewhat true, but not in the way you would think. After evaluating those thoughts, I gained insight to how much control gambling had on my life.
1. "I do not spend any money on myself besides gambling." Yes, I did not spend money on myself - that is because I did not want to spend a single dollar of my "casino" money (which was essentially every dollar I had).
2. "I work too hard to never take time for me." This is true, I work very hard under extreme levels of stress in a difficult environment. The reality is that I could have looked for a new job if I had not destroyed our financial situation as much as I had. Essentially I backed myself into a corner and there was no way out. I had to face up to this fact and deal with the fact that I had to make it work until our finances get back under control.
3. "Gambling keeps me from getting depressed - it makes me happy and is something I truly enjoy." Now if that isn't an oxymoron I do not know what is. My reasoning behind that thought process at the time was that I had tons of energy when I am gambling, I was not sitting around at home depressed. It is true that I was happy at times while gambling. The key word is "at times." I was so convinced that I loved to gamble. Most of the time that was true. As things became progressively worse, my gambling started triggering my depression, it caused severe anxiety, lack of sleep, and financial devastation. When I would try to reduce the number of trips I took to the casino, I would just spend more money when I did go. If I stopped gambling, I would get deeply depressed because I had to face reality and could not hide from it. My mind would go a million miles an hour - usually trying to figure out how to replace the money I had taken out of the account. So, what may have started out as a great outlet turned out to be much worse than the original problems.
What really bothers me the most is that I probably gambled for at least eight years with no problems whatsoever. I would walk in with $40, play till it was gone and walk out. That was it. The funny thing is I probably won around $11,000 the first year I gambled (that is after anything I lost was subtracted out). The most I ever went to the casino was possibly five times a month. I had great luck, had everything under control - I never had to control the "compulsive" side of my personality at that time, it was strictly entertainment and nothing more. The next several years it was still a hobby, I would always come out ahead over the period of a year and I never used "bill" money to gamble. Things continued on for several more years and this is probably where I slowly started to lose control. I remarried, made more money at my job, and was no longer supporting three children on my own. Essentially I had a greatly enhanced gambling budget. Even though I had bumped up over time to spending around $200 in a night, it had no impact on our finances and was considered "fun" money. At this time my husband would go with me and we had a lot of fun. I was still fun to be around, did not turn into a crazy person, and could still enjoy conversation and spending time with my hubby. The amount of money and time I spent at the casinos slowly increased over time and before I knew it I was thinking about it all of the time and it was starting to play way too big of a part in my life.
Inevitably, I would have hit rock bottom had I stayed on my slow steady path to destruction, but I think it could have taken another ten years to hit that point. Rock bottom came much more quickly for me because they put in a casino less than 20 minutes from my house. Previously I had to drive over an hour each way to go to the casino so it was always a planned outing, I could never "sneak" away and go gamble. Talk about being excited! A casino so close. I was convinced that it would be great because I could just "run" in with $20 bucks and once that was gone I could just leave because I knew I could come back soon thereafter to play again. It was a great idea, but not what happened. Due to the easy access, I did go more often, ended up spending more, and let it become a disproportionate part of my life. Also, I almost always lost at the new casino. The previous casinos I would always win often enough to cover anything I may have lost and it would always even out. This new casino was "evil." The payouts were few and far between and when I did win it would be about a fourth of what I would win at the other casinos. This is where it got ugly. Since I was no longer winning back my losses I started spending more and betting higher with the hopes of winning a larger jackpot that I could use to pay off bills and to replace much of the money I had wasted away. Problem is I went from winning a jackpot at least every month or two to never winning a single one. Don't get me wrong, I did win here and there, but it was never enough to just "walk out." By then, I had already lost so much money I figured I was destined to start winning.
Again, talk about insanity! As my husband would say - put the shovel down and quit digging!
When thoughts of the casino cross my mind, I initially feel that rush and excitement that I always did. The difference now is that I do not linger on those thoughts. I immediately focus on the countless nights I walked out of the casino - penniless, disgusted with my self, stressed out, usually insanely late, and just plain miserable. No longer do I hold onto that picture I had in my mind that drew me to the casino. The picture that included the excitement, the lights, the sounds when someone hit a jackpot, etc. It sounds so simple but I really feel that actively changing this picture in my mind and realizing the deception that occurred each time I danced with thoughts of the casino has drastically contributed to reducing the urges quickly and pretty painlessly.
PROGRESS
So, it has been over 120 days since I went to my first GA meeting. There is no way I could have ever known how drastically different my life would be after I quite gambling. I am still amazed by all of the emotional changes that have occurred already. Things that I thought would take years are changing in just weeks and months. My relationships with my kids are so much better. I am actually emotionally involved again in their lives. I was always present physically, but many times a million miles away mentally and emotionally.
When I decided to stop gambling, I strictly thought it was a financial problem. I did have serious concerns about my health due to the substantial amount of stress I put myself through on a daily basis. One of my main reasons for stopping gambling was that I was worried I would have a heart attack from stress before I turned 40. I was aging myself so quickly and not taking care of myself.
Now, work is going better due to changes in me such as improved focus, less "sick" days, empathy for others, etc. Where before I was always burning the candle at both ends with the end result always being lack of sleep, I am not able to pace myself and my health is getting better too. It is by no means perfect nor is life, but I am mentally stronger to deal with life's challenges and am no longer creating my own problems.
CLOSING
I am happy to be back blogging. Of course I am absolutely exhausted due to the office move, and I am up way past my bedtime, I needed this time to take inventory of my emotions, stress level, and overall mental well-being. So many days it is easy to get caught up in life and just go through the motions, following the same patterns, and falling into a rut. This blog is my outlet. It keeps me grounded and helps me remember how much pain gambling caused me. When the day comes that I get that urge to gamble and it does not pass as quickly as the other urges have, I plan on reading my posts so I can mentally go back to where I was when I hit rock bottom and keep on reading until the urge is gone. If that does not stop me, I truly am INSANE!
Well, I have to be up for work in five hours so I have to run. After the end of the month I will definitely post more often, but will do my best between now and then. Thanks for reading this.
13. Challenging day today
Today was one of those days where you knew straight from the beginning of the day that everything would be a challenge. I won't bore you with the details, but let me tell you, at some point I just had to laugh because it would be pretty hard for anything else to go wrong! Nothing important, all trivial little things that added up to utter exhaustion at the end of the day!
In the past, days like today would have sent me straight to the casino to escape. Instead, I came straight home and got on the computer to play my favorite Facebook games. In some ways, part of my addiction transferred over to escaping on the computer. I am aware of this fact, but there are times where I just don't want to log off because I end up thinking about the workday or spending my evening cleaning around the house.
So, I need to start doing different things again to relax. If I vary my activities I maintain a healthier balance in my life and tend to be happier and less agitated. The increased time spent playing on the computer all of the time started to pickup after I had my knee surgery at the end of December. I think it continued once my knee started getting better, but I started getting sick. It was only that run down achy and tired feeling, but enough to keep me down. Then my husband got extremely sick for about four days. He has started feeling better over the last five days, but sleeping a lot after work and going to bed early which is understandable. It is strange how lonely I feel when I do not have that companionship with my husband when I get home. I miss it. This evening I told him that I cannot wait till we both feel better so we can start playing pool again. That is one of my favorite ways to wind down after work.
It is funny (sort of) how easy it is to simply trade one addiction for another. The new addiction may not be as damaging or obvious, but the reality is that anything that consumes the majority of your time and energy on a regular basis; something that isolates you from others, can also be bad for you.
Moving forward starting today, I am going to refocus on balancing my life again. I know it is nothing major to worry about at the moment, but it could be if it starts to become a constant habit.
My ideas for change include a combination of exercising (minimally at first with my knee); playing pool with my husband; setting aside at least an hour each night to play and read with my daughter; posting to this blog and my poetry and writing blog (which I started, but have not posted on yet); and working on small projects around the house like accent painting a few walls, organizing the playroom, and rearranging furniture).
These activities got me through the first few months of my recovery and played a very big part in improving my overall well being.
I am looking forward to the winter being over. This spring and summer will involve a lot of hiking, camping, maybe fly fishing again, swimming, and several other outdoor activities. It is amazing how much better I feel when I am outside. I think it is especially important when you work indoors for 9-12 hours a day and then spend three hours in the car commuting.
Most of my random daily posts have discussed the positive things that naturally come about when you quit gambling, but I have not written a lot about the days that are "average," "boring," "stressful," or "depressing." Luckily, the positives have outweighed the negatives by far, but there are still up and down days. Life itself does not get easier just because you quit gambling (though it certainly helps!). Life is life, "it happens," and there are many things that we cannot change because they would require changing someone else. The common saying that we can only change ourselves and not those around us is very true. A big part of my growth through this recovery is when I remember that I cannot change those around me. I can however change how I view the situation and either opt to focus solely on the negatives or work toward finding the positives. It takes a lot less effort to be thankful and accept life as it comes, than it does to focus on the negatives and waste unnecessary effort trying to change things that we cannot.
Time to log off and get rest before a new day. Keep sending your emails and comments! I always try to respond the same day. I wish you the best with your goal for the day!
In the past, days like today would have sent me straight to the casino to escape. Instead, I came straight home and got on the computer to play my favorite Facebook games. In some ways, part of my addiction transferred over to escaping on the computer. I am aware of this fact, but there are times where I just don't want to log off because I end up thinking about the workday or spending my evening cleaning around the house.
So, I need to start doing different things again to relax. If I vary my activities I maintain a healthier balance in my life and tend to be happier and less agitated. The increased time spent playing on the computer all of the time started to pickup after I had my knee surgery at the end of December. I think it continued once my knee started getting better, but I started getting sick. It was only that run down achy and tired feeling, but enough to keep me down. Then my husband got extremely sick for about four days. He has started feeling better over the last five days, but sleeping a lot after work and going to bed early which is understandable. It is strange how lonely I feel when I do not have that companionship with my husband when I get home. I miss it. This evening I told him that I cannot wait till we both feel better so we can start playing pool again. That is one of my favorite ways to wind down after work.
It is funny (sort of) how easy it is to simply trade one addiction for another. The new addiction may not be as damaging or obvious, but the reality is that anything that consumes the majority of your time and energy on a regular basis; something that isolates you from others, can also be bad for you.
Moving forward starting today, I am going to refocus on balancing my life again. I know it is nothing major to worry about at the moment, but it could be if it starts to become a constant habit.
My ideas for change include a combination of exercising (minimally at first with my knee); playing pool with my husband; setting aside at least an hour each night to play and read with my daughter; posting to this blog and my poetry and writing blog (which I started, but have not posted on yet); and working on small projects around the house like accent painting a few walls, organizing the playroom, and rearranging furniture).
These activities got me through the first few months of my recovery and played a very big part in improving my overall well being.
I am looking forward to the winter being over. This spring and summer will involve a lot of hiking, camping, maybe fly fishing again, swimming, and several other outdoor activities. It is amazing how much better I feel when I am outside. I think it is especially important when you work indoors for 9-12 hours a day and then spend three hours in the car commuting.
Most of my random daily posts have discussed the positive things that naturally come about when you quit gambling, but I have not written a lot about the days that are "average," "boring," "stressful," or "depressing." Luckily, the positives have outweighed the negatives by far, but there are still up and down days. Life itself does not get easier just because you quit gambling (though it certainly helps!). Life is life, "it happens," and there are many things that we cannot change because they would require changing someone else. The common saying that we can only change ourselves and not those around us is very true. A big part of my growth through this recovery is when I remember that I cannot change those around me. I can however change how I view the situation and either opt to focus solely on the negatives or work toward finding the positives. It takes a lot less effort to be thankful and accept life as it comes, than it does to focus on the negatives and waste unnecessary effort trying to change things that we cannot.
Time to log off and get rest before a new day. Keep sending your emails and comments! I always try to respond the same day. I wish you the best with your goal for the day!
12. Never give up! An amazing, deeply saddening, and inspiring day
It was great to go back to my GA meeting today. I missed one week and it felt like so much longer. Today I was brought right back to how I felt the day I attended my first meeting. I felt horrible, worthless, desperate, and every other imaginable terrible feeling and it completely overwhelmed me. Hearing the story of another member's pain and despair was difficult, but so vital in reminding me that I am always one bet away from gambling again. I never want to feel that way again, ever. Life has so many challenges and disappointments. At times we hit those lows where we cannot see our way out. Everything seems so hopeless. We become tunnel visioned, lost in the moment and unable to see outside our circumstances. It can be so disabling and discouraging when you hit that level of disgust and despair. Hearing from someone else who was at that point of utter hopelessness, reiterated the true reality of gambling. It will ultimately lead you into insanity, prison or death.
Today I shared something that was difficult for me but I prayed with every ounce of my being that it would help another lost soul. Almost a year ago to the day I had gone through a three-month gambling binge that spiraled my life completely out of control. I was trapped, felt like I was suffocating and buried, financially destitute, and had lost all self esteem. I felt that I had failed my family. I hated myself, I could see no way out, and wanted to just leave it all behind. I felt my family and everyone around me would be better off without me. I was worthless, selfish, stupid, scared, disgusted, panicked, and empty. There was nothing left to give and I could no longer take care of even myself. At that point I knew I wanted it to all end, but also knew that I could never leave my children and husband without hurting them. I knew that if I committed suicide it would be an easy out for me, but leave a lifetime of hurt and horrible pain for my family.
I did not feel safe in my own skin, nor did I trust myself not to do something "final" or stupid. It was at that moment that I drove to the nearest hospital. I told them that I did not want to end my life, but felt like I was going insane, I could no longer cope with reality, and I needed help. The staff were wonderful, did not look down upon me and were actually proud of me for seeking help. Really, at that point I just did not care what anyone thought. They transferred me to a nearby hospital that treated mental health disorders. It was there that I could escape without making a permanent decision. I was able to talk with counselors, which I always avoided in the past. They were able to work with my bipolar illness and take the fast track to getting my emotions balanced again. At the point that I checked in I had not slept more than three hours a night for over six months. The stress from gambling coupled with daily life helped fuel my "manic" and "major depressive" disorders simultaneously. I do not believe that it was the bipolar illness that led me there. I believe it was the compulsive gambling illness that triggered a manic episode - a deadly combination.
I work in a vital management position with a tremendous amount of stress. Amazingly, I worked with the HR manager and was able to "explain" my hospitalization as an adverse reaction to medication. Not only did I have a job anxiously waiting for me to return, but they were only concerned about my well being. In a place where expectations are always extremely high and even missing a sick day is greatly frowned upon, I was actually told "not" to come back until I was ready. They wanted me to get better first.
The first three nights in the hospital I stayed awake almost all night and could not sleep, my mind was still going a hundred miles an hour. They prescribed sleep medication and the first two they tried did not even remotely bring me down from the mania. By the end of the third day they found something that worked. The high doses of depression and anxiety medication helped me start thinking logically. My gambling binge caused me to feel like I was going insane, on the verge of losing it, and giving up was the only way I could see an end to the pain. Gambling made me insane, the damage, the financial desperation, the emotional despair, it made me mentally and physically sick. As I worked through the sessions and met other people going through difficult times I was able to step back from my personal hell and finally see outside of myself. I was able to see that there were people who loved and needed me desperately.
My husband and children came to visit me every day. I thought they would see me as being weak, I was always the strong one. The love that they expressed to me, not with words, but just looking into their faces was overwhelming. I still felt that I did not deserve it, but I also knew that I could not leave my children and break their hearts. Not be there for their graduations, weddings, children, and whatever other wonderful thing they had to look forward to. If I were to leave I would leave a gaping hole in their hearts that would never heal and I would be remembered for being selfish and stupid. I have a good heart, am smart, hard working, love my family, and try to treat others the way I would want to be treated. If I had taken the easy way out, I would have thrown away every positive thing I had ever done in life and be remembered poorly. I would never want to leave that way - no matter how bad things were.
So many people fight battles every day that are truly not their fault. They face horrible illnesses, loss of loved ones, and challenges in life that do not come close to what I had faced. If they could make it through and find hope on the other side, then I could do the same. Even if I did not feel like I could do it right at that time. I knew that someday I could and had to own up to the fact that I created my own reality and I had to work to make things right.
When I came back to work I was more focused, still stressed out, but I no longer felt like I was drowning.
I am telling you this because I know that many of us have felt that utter despair, it is what you choose to do at that moment, that lowest time in your life that matters. Gambling can send us into that despair in an instant. It can turn your world upside down over extended periods of time or many times in one sudden and final crash.
My GA family amazes me. We share so many personal, humiliating, and inspiring stories, that can cause amazing healing to occur. They are never judgmental and the love I felt in that room today was my personal equivalent to the day I took God into my life. Knowing that others could love me, just the way I am is awe inspiring. Feeling the depth of emotion and love in that room today only solidified in my mind the importance of that group to my recovery. Never again do I want to feel that utter despair, but if I ever do, I will have my GA family and friends to support me and believe in me when no one else will.
I want to say thank you to all of you for your support, love, and encouragement. Every member in that room and anyone who reads these pages is loved. We are all connected through a very strong bond. Whether we know each other or not. We all have been down that road. In some ways I am thankful for hitting rock bottom, because I found a human type of love that I did not really know existed. I always went through life with a positive front and outgoing personality. I never let anyone in past my invisible barriers. If I never let anyone truly know my heart then I would never get hurt. During our meetings we all share things on our hearts, things that we would most likely never share with even our closest friends. If we are lucky enough to still have friends after our isolation and self absorption with gambling.
Personally, I isolated myself in the casino, hid from reality, and lived numb to emotion. That resulted in the loss of any of the few friends I did have. Luckily, I have an amazing husband who must be crazy, insane, or something since he still loves me 100%. I was missing that human interaction. That void is now filled with my GA family, I consider them my friends, I pray for them during the week, and think of them often. I value those relationships more than I could ever explain.
My prayers and thoughts will be with those still dealing with the horrors that this illness can bring about and am available by email at recoveryandhope@gmail.com if you ever need or want to talk.
I am thankful, thankful that I am starting 2011 with a new life, drastically improved relationships with my children and husband, and am learning what it is like to have hope again. If I had taken a different path a year ago, decided upon a permanent solution verses a short-term escape, I would not have had the chance to see my youngest daughter turn three, the next daughter turn 14, the oldest daughter turn 16, and my son graduate high school. I am grateful for every day I have on this earth and am working toward being a better person along the way. When I look at my children I cannot picture the pain I would have caused them.
Through my recovery I see all of the wrongs and selfish choices I made along the way, but the best way I can start toward redeeming myself and the negative impact I had on their lives is to be here for them today.
Gambling is an illness, a terrible stealth addiction that can attack anyone, no matter what there education is, how much wealth or lack of wealth they have, no matter what race, gender, age, or any other differentiator. I equate it to the devil. It is evil.
Recovery is helping me remove that evil from my life. I will not let it win, I am better than that. We all deserve to be happy. We are not bad people. We are good people, with good hearts, who have a terrible illness - addiction. It is not something we chose. It happened, and now it is our responsibility to acknowledge it and move forward.
Thank you all for your support, love, hope, and guidance. I could never do this without you and my higher power.
To those suffering, you are in my thoughts and prayers, no matter where you may be.
Today I shared something that was difficult for me but I prayed with every ounce of my being that it would help another lost soul. Almost a year ago to the day I had gone through a three-month gambling binge that spiraled my life completely out of control. I was trapped, felt like I was suffocating and buried, financially destitute, and had lost all self esteem. I felt that I had failed my family. I hated myself, I could see no way out, and wanted to just leave it all behind. I felt my family and everyone around me would be better off without me. I was worthless, selfish, stupid, scared, disgusted, panicked, and empty. There was nothing left to give and I could no longer take care of even myself. At that point I knew I wanted it to all end, but also knew that I could never leave my children and husband without hurting them. I knew that if I committed suicide it would be an easy out for me, but leave a lifetime of hurt and horrible pain for my family.
I did not feel safe in my own skin, nor did I trust myself not to do something "final" or stupid. It was at that moment that I drove to the nearest hospital. I told them that I did not want to end my life, but felt like I was going insane, I could no longer cope with reality, and I needed help. The staff were wonderful, did not look down upon me and were actually proud of me for seeking help. Really, at that point I just did not care what anyone thought. They transferred me to a nearby hospital that treated mental health disorders. It was there that I could escape without making a permanent decision. I was able to talk with counselors, which I always avoided in the past. They were able to work with my bipolar illness and take the fast track to getting my emotions balanced again. At the point that I checked in I had not slept more than three hours a night for over six months. The stress from gambling coupled with daily life helped fuel my "manic" and "major depressive" disorders simultaneously. I do not believe that it was the bipolar illness that led me there. I believe it was the compulsive gambling illness that triggered a manic episode - a deadly combination.
I work in a vital management position with a tremendous amount of stress. Amazingly, I worked with the HR manager and was able to "explain" my hospitalization as an adverse reaction to medication. Not only did I have a job anxiously waiting for me to return, but they were only concerned about my well being. In a place where expectations are always extremely high and even missing a sick day is greatly frowned upon, I was actually told "not" to come back until I was ready. They wanted me to get better first.
The first three nights in the hospital I stayed awake almost all night and could not sleep, my mind was still going a hundred miles an hour. They prescribed sleep medication and the first two they tried did not even remotely bring me down from the mania. By the end of the third day they found something that worked. The high doses of depression and anxiety medication helped me start thinking logically. My gambling binge caused me to feel like I was going insane, on the verge of losing it, and giving up was the only way I could see an end to the pain. Gambling made me insane, the damage, the financial desperation, the emotional despair, it made me mentally and physically sick. As I worked through the sessions and met other people going through difficult times I was able to step back from my personal hell and finally see outside of myself. I was able to see that there were people who loved and needed me desperately.
My husband and children came to visit me every day. I thought they would see me as being weak, I was always the strong one. The love that they expressed to me, not with words, but just looking into their faces was overwhelming. I still felt that I did not deserve it, but I also knew that I could not leave my children and break their hearts. Not be there for their graduations, weddings, children, and whatever other wonderful thing they had to look forward to. If I were to leave I would leave a gaping hole in their hearts that would never heal and I would be remembered for being selfish and stupid. I have a good heart, am smart, hard working, love my family, and try to treat others the way I would want to be treated. If I had taken the easy way out, I would have thrown away every positive thing I had ever done in life and be remembered poorly. I would never want to leave that way - no matter how bad things were.
So many people fight battles every day that are truly not their fault. They face horrible illnesses, loss of loved ones, and challenges in life that do not come close to what I had faced. If they could make it through and find hope on the other side, then I could do the same. Even if I did not feel like I could do it right at that time. I knew that someday I could and had to own up to the fact that I created my own reality and I had to work to make things right.
When I came back to work I was more focused, still stressed out, but I no longer felt like I was drowning.
I am telling you this because I know that many of us have felt that utter despair, it is what you choose to do at that moment, that lowest time in your life that matters. Gambling can send us into that despair in an instant. It can turn your world upside down over extended periods of time or many times in one sudden and final crash.
My GA family amazes me. We share so many personal, humiliating, and inspiring stories, that can cause amazing healing to occur. They are never judgmental and the love I felt in that room today was my personal equivalent to the day I took God into my life. Knowing that others could love me, just the way I am is awe inspiring. Feeling the depth of emotion and love in that room today only solidified in my mind the importance of that group to my recovery. Never again do I want to feel that utter despair, but if I ever do, I will have my GA family and friends to support me and believe in me when no one else will.
I want to say thank you to all of you for your support, love, and encouragement. Every member in that room and anyone who reads these pages is loved. We are all connected through a very strong bond. Whether we know each other or not. We all have been down that road. In some ways I am thankful for hitting rock bottom, because I found a human type of love that I did not really know existed. I always went through life with a positive front and outgoing personality. I never let anyone in past my invisible barriers. If I never let anyone truly know my heart then I would never get hurt. During our meetings we all share things on our hearts, things that we would most likely never share with even our closest friends. If we are lucky enough to still have friends after our isolation and self absorption with gambling.
Personally, I isolated myself in the casino, hid from reality, and lived numb to emotion. That resulted in the loss of any of the few friends I did have. Luckily, I have an amazing husband who must be crazy, insane, or something since he still loves me 100%. I was missing that human interaction. That void is now filled with my GA family, I consider them my friends, I pray for them during the week, and think of them often. I value those relationships more than I could ever explain.
My prayers and thoughts will be with those still dealing with the horrors that this illness can bring about and am available by email at recoveryandhope@gmail.com if you ever need or want to talk.
I am thankful, thankful that I am starting 2011 with a new life, drastically improved relationships with my children and husband, and am learning what it is like to have hope again. If I had taken a different path a year ago, decided upon a permanent solution verses a short-term escape, I would not have had the chance to see my youngest daughter turn three, the next daughter turn 14, the oldest daughter turn 16, and my son graduate high school. I am grateful for every day I have on this earth and am working toward being a better person along the way. When I look at my children I cannot picture the pain I would have caused them.
Through my recovery I see all of the wrongs and selfish choices I made along the way, but the best way I can start toward redeeming myself and the negative impact I had on their lives is to be here for them today.
Gambling is an illness, a terrible stealth addiction that can attack anyone, no matter what there education is, how much wealth or lack of wealth they have, no matter what race, gender, age, or any other differentiator. I equate it to the devil. It is evil.
Recovery is helping me remove that evil from my life. I will not let it win, I am better than that. We all deserve to be happy. We are not bad people. We are good people, with good hearts, who have a terrible illness - addiction. It is not something we chose. It happened, and now it is our responsibility to acknowledge it and move forward.
Thank you all for your support, love, hope, and guidance. I could never do this without you and my higher power.
To those suffering, you are in my thoughts and prayers, no matter where you may be.
11. Happy New Year!
I apologize for not writing sooner. The holidays were extremely busy and I had knee surgery just after Christmas. Everything went well and I am up and moving around again which is nice.
Last Saturday was the first meeting that I missed. I feel like it has been forever! We had a New Year's Eve party and it was a lot of fun. This holiday season was so much different than previous years. It was so nice to actually spend time with family and reconnect with friends after spending so much time isolated and disconnected. During the holidays I always spent a lot of my time gambling since I actually had time off from work. The thing that I am surprised about is that I did not miss the casino. When it crossed my mind I did not feel like I was missing something. I expected at this point in my recovery to start forgetting about how terrible gambling made my life, but I have not. That repulsed feeling still comes over me when thoughts of the casino cross my mind. I am very thankful for that. It has made recovery up to this point much easier.
Work is going crazy, we are moving our office before the end of the month. There are so many things going on, but I feel that all of this is helping me through recovery.
I hope you are all doing well and want to encourage anyone who is dealing with this horrible addiction. The one thing I want to convey is that it is so much better when you are looking back at the addiction, learning from your mistakes, and taking back control of your life. The financial benefits are already being realized. I still cannot believe all of the stress I put my family through. The only thing I can do now is change today and continue to hope for tomorrow. The past is what it is and I cannot go back and change it, but what I can do is prove to myself and others that I have the strength and good in me to become a better person. My relationship with God is tremendously important. It gives me the strength that I would not have on my own. The peace that I feel is having admitted my wrongs to him and he forgave me and only wants the best for me. I wish it was that easy with everyone else!
Well, I have been on the computer all day for work and to be honest with you, I am tired of looking at the screen!
I wish you the best in the New Year and please know that there are others out there who know what you are going through. You are not alone.
Last Saturday was the first meeting that I missed. I feel like it has been forever! We had a New Year's Eve party and it was a lot of fun. This holiday season was so much different than previous years. It was so nice to actually spend time with family and reconnect with friends after spending so much time isolated and disconnected. During the holidays I always spent a lot of my time gambling since I actually had time off from work. The thing that I am surprised about is that I did not miss the casino. When it crossed my mind I did not feel like I was missing something. I expected at this point in my recovery to start forgetting about how terrible gambling made my life, but I have not. That repulsed feeling still comes over me when thoughts of the casino cross my mind. I am very thankful for that. It has made recovery up to this point much easier.
Work is going crazy, we are moving our office before the end of the month. There are so many things going on, but I feel that all of this is helping me through recovery.
I hope you are all doing well and want to encourage anyone who is dealing with this horrible addiction. The one thing I want to convey is that it is so much better when you are looking back at the addiction, learning from your mistakes, and taking back control of your life. The financial benefits are already being realized. I still cannot believe all of the stress I put my family through. The only thing I can do now is change today and continue to hope for tomorrow. The past is what it is and I cannot go back and change it, but what I can do is prove to myself and others that I have the strength and good in me to become a better person. My relationship with God is tremendously important. It gives me the strength that I would not have on my own. The peace that I feel is having admitted my wrongs to him and he forgave me and only wants the best for me. I wish it was that easy with everyone else!
Well, I have been on the computer all day for work and to be honest with you, I am tired of looking at the screen!
I wish you the best in the New Year and please know that there are others out there who know what you are going through. You are not alone.
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