It has been a while since my last post. Things are going amazingly well. Time has gone by so quickly. In September I reach the one-year point. When I look back at the insanity of the gambling cycle, it still makes me sick. Whenever I hear an ad on the radio for a casino or see a bus drive by with advertising on the side, I honestly am still disgusted. That disgust has made my recovery so much easier.
Financially things are so much better. We are paying our bills on time, meeting our obligations and still have some money left. Of course, we are still paying back money that was borrowed/spent due to my gambling and are still looking at about two more years before we are in the clear, but one year has flown by so fast. I know that in two years, we will have a fresh start and life will only continue to get better. A year ago I hit rock bottom and I could not see a way out. I thought hitting that "big" jackpot would solve all of my problems. Reality is so different than that. If I did win that big jackpot, I would only have ended up spending more. A gambler is never satisfied - looking back, it is difficult to admit it, but I was looking for the quick fix and was unwilling to be responsible and do the right thing.
Now, we are positioned to start realizing our goals. I have hope again and look forward to the future instead of dreading reality.
Health-wise, I feel so much better. Of course, work is insanely stressful, I am working about 60-70 hours a week on salary. I am still angry at myself and sometimes discouraged that I cannot simply leave my job due to my debts, but I know that it will not be forever.
I do want to encourage those of you who are considering recovery from gambling. Life can and will be so much better once the addiction no longer controls your life. For me, I feel in control again, no longer feel that I am going to have a heart attack from stress or going to lose my mind. My self-esteem has improved substantially and I no longer feel worthless. Yes, I do still "hate" myself if I allow myself to dwell on the past, but knowing that I am doing the right thing now gives me a tremendous amount of strength to keep moving forward.
One of the greatest parts of my recovery is having my life back and no longer being controlled by the desire to gamble. I love the time I spend with my family. I am living in the present and actually experiencing life instead of hiding from it. That does not mean life is easy, it just means I have the energy and strength to deal with it in a healthy way.
Gambling destroys who you are, it sucks the life out of you, and in many instances can truly make you insane or worse. Recovery is a process and does take time. There is no quick fix to turn back time or reverse the damage and devastation it causes. Through recovery, you can find "you" again. The person you were before you spun out of control. The person who cared about others and enjoyed doing things outside of the one addiction. There is so much more to life than focusing every ounce of who you are on one thing.
I am happy to say that I am still confident that I will never gamble again. This confidence is different than arrogance. I will never forget how the addiction slowly, subtly took control of me. It was not something that occurred overnight. To this day, I will not even buy a scratch ticket. In my mind I feel that I would not have a problem with it, but am not willing to risk losing everything. It is not worth it. Nothing is worth going back to that terrible time in my life. I never want to feel that way again. That is what keeps me on the right path. It is very important to know that I will never gamble again (no matter how innocent I think it may be). There is no win that could change my life as much as quitting gambling. No win that could make me happier than I am now. These truths are why recovery works for me.
Please know that gambling is an addiction, it is not that you are a bad person or weak. If you look at it as other addictions and realize the strong hold that an addiction has, it is easier to understand why it controls you. When I find myself thinking about the past, I only let myself dwell on it for very short periods of time. When I say short, I mean about two minutes. That may seam like I am avoiding it and maybe I am. I avoid trying to figure out why I did what I did. It is a waste of time and does not change the present. It only debilitates my recovery. For me, I think I could get lost in that hopeless, worthless feeling and that is not a healthy place to be. I prefer to work on the present and move forward, leaving that life behind.
I hope some of the things I write about help someone out there. We all have different circumstances and reasons for doing what we do/did, but in recovery, we are all after one thing - getting our life back (regaining control, self-esteem, finding who we are, and trying to stop spiraling out of control).
I wish you the best in your recovery and encourage those of you who are researching ways to deal with this addiction. If you are close to someone fighting this problem, you cannot make the choice for them. They have to chose to seek help. You can seek help for yourself though. It is important for those impacted by someone else' gambling to find support and meet others going through the same thing. You are not alone either.
Hopefully I will find a new job soon and be able to increase my posts on this blog. This is a major part of my recovery. This is my small way of trying to do something positive with my life instead of just focusing on me which is what I did when I was gambling. It is very healing and I am thankful to those of you who read this blog. Thank you!
