It has been a little over a year and I apologize for not posting as often as I did at the beginning of this journey. My life has changed so drastically since I stopped gambling. It has been 381 days since I last gambled. I cannot express how incredibly different and better my life is today. In just under a year I was able to finally leave my full-time job, which was really a 65-hour a week, all-consuming responsibility. Now, I am working from home doing what I love which is writing, editing and providing virtual administrative support. It has been my dream since my youngest was born; she is now 4.
It was not an easy decision to take the risk and leave a guaranteed salary for the unknown, but it has turned out to be a wonderful gift. For three and a half years I battled with financial problems. The majority of which were caused by my gambling. Then, there was the last year where I diligently put every penny we had towards paying bills and financially recovering from the disaster I created. We still have debts of course, but are actually financially stable and achieving our goals at record pace.
I said that working from home is a gift and that is such a small word for how I feel. Now I am spending time with my family and have the energy to do the things I want to do. It is easy to work from home since I am used to long hours with an additional two-hour commute each day. It is different when you are working for yourself and I am so thankful and truly happy.
No longer, do not dread waking up each day, hate Sundays because I have to go back to the office Monday. I feel like I am truly living again. This would have never occurred if I had not stopped gambling. No matter how many times I say it, I cannot express how incredible it is to have my life back.
Life still has its challenges and quitting gambling does not mean everything is perfect, but in comparison it is tremendously better. I equate it to living in hell and then coming back from the dead. That is what I was when I was gambling. "Dead." Numb and lacking emotion, detached from reality, hiding from life, living in a dark box with no windows, and fighting severe stress, depression, and hopelessness. It was fun for a while, the escaping reality part, until it started impacting and eventually taking over my reality. Then, the dark hole that followed. I thought I would never get out of that hole, that there was no hope, but to win that amazing jackpot. It seems so crazy now. What kind of jackpot could have saved me from the damage I had done and if I won, do I really think I would have simply walked away and never went back! Seriously! It would have only led to something worse and even more gambling.
Today I am still repulsed when I drive by the exit I used to take to the casino. I cannot even look in that direction. I physically feel sick to my stomach from the thought. This is a feeling I am thankful for because it makes my recovery easier. One thing that I do not do is allow my self to think about being in the casino or in front of a slot machine. I give myself about 30 seconds and then direct my thoughts to how I felt when I was leaving the casino, that empty, sick to my stomach, utter disgust. I think of what it felt like each time I was frantically trying to replace money I should not have spent. If there is any chance that I actually have the urge to gamble, I have this blog to remind me. There are many times that I reread what I wrote in the beginning, put myself back in time and re-experience what it was like and how I felt when I hit rock bottom. If that doesn't stop me from gambling, then I need to be committed to an insane asylum!
I want to encourage those of you are exploring whether or not you have a gambling problem to take a chance and seek help. Never could I have done it on my own. In the beginning, I needed to hear others stories and to truly admit that I had a problem.
Until I made the decision to quit, not just for now, but forever I was not on the road to recovery. I remember when I first conceded that I had a problem, I initially thought I would stop for now and maybe in the future I could gamble like everyone else. After attending the first meeting, I realized I had to quit FOREVER. That was a very tough reality to accept. How could I quit forever. I liked gambling, it was fun, it was a way to get a break from reality, blah, blah, blah! Such lies. The reality was that it was no longer fun. No longer did I have control over when I went, how much I would spend, or anything else.
I slowly lost who I was as the gambling took over. It was so subtle. For me it took over five years before it truly started impacting me financially. I could walk out of casino with money, only spend what I said I would spend, and I still enjoyed doing other things. It wasn't until the last year or so that it became financially devastating. That is when I thought it became a problem. When I look back now and am truly honest, it was well over two years earlier that it started impacting my life and the time I spent with my family. It controlled me and was really the only thing I liked to do. It is sad when I think about all of the time I lost and cannot get back. I prefer not to dwell on that fact, it is not healthy and I cannot change it. It is good to remember though.
On a happier note!
A quick note from my daughter! She wanted to help :-)
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Hopefully you smiled!
Please know that no matter how alone you feel, how embarrassed you are or how financially and emotionally devastated you are, there is tremendous hope. All you have to do is take the first step. You can call a gambling help line, show up at a GA meeting, or plead with a friend or family member that knows your problem to go with you. Take that first step to regaining your life back! ITS WORTH IT!!! I truly believe it is a life-changing decision and you will NEVER REGRET IT!
I was chicken and brought my husband to my first GA meeting. He sat by my side and still had faith in me - guarded and reserved faith, but he had not given up on me which is more than I can say for myself. It is likely that I would not have made that first meeting, faced my fear of walking in to a group of strangers, his support helped me to recovery. Looking back, there was absolutely nothing to be afraid of - the group was honest, open, and just like me. They had careers, some had families, others were financially well off or retired, but we all had one common bond - gambling impacted our lives negatively. That hour changed my life, gave me hope, and I didn't feel as alone anymore. I realized that others fell prey to the same illness and hit rock bottom too. Many had lost so much more than I did, or gambled for decades longer than I had, but it did not matter how much money or how long you gambled, only that it had negatively impacted your life. What I appreciated the most about the group is that I could be myself, stop hiding behind my brave, have it all together, happy mask. It was okay to cry, to admit defeat, and to be welcomed with open arms. It was like that saying: it was like coming home.
It has been quite a while since I attended my last meeting - work engulfed my life, but I want to go back because of the people. They are amazing people who are succeeding at life. I have so much respect for the changes they made in their lives. I consider each and everyone of them as friends, which is something I do not have a lot of even this day. During my gambling I shut-out the world and lost most any friends I had. Another negative impact from gambling.
Please keep your chin up. If you are impacted by someone else' gambling, I hope some of my posts can give light to the power this disease has and to understand that it is not intentional or directed toward you. There is hope. You still have to look out for yourself first, but you can definitely send them in the right direction. Hopefully the information I provide in this blog can get you started. There is help for you in GamAnon. It is a support group for those impacted by someone else' gambling. My husband went to this group while I attended my meetings. At first he thought he was going to support me, but quickly realized he needed support. The meetings gave him an outlet, other people who understood the devastation and burden carried by the non-gambler. They carried most of the family and emotional burden left by the gambler. This group provides tools for the non-gambling member to take care of themselves and to heal.
Both groups are amazing and I highly recommend them. Hopefully through my blog, your research on other sites, and the wealth of information available regarding this addiction, we can move forward to healthier lives!
I wish you all the best and plan to post much more often. Thank you so much for reading this blog.
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