29. The holidays are coming - remember the important things in life!

The holidays are coming and I want to let you all know that you are in my thoughts. If you are dealing with a gambling addiction in your life, it can be incredibly overwhelming. It has been almost 15 months since I last gambled. I can still honestly say that recovery is going so much better than I thought it would. Once I was able to find my way back from rock bottom, to start my life over and leave gambling behind, life has improved so much faster than I thought it would. Time goes by so quickly. I am finally able to enjoy my family, the holidays, and life. It has been so fun to decorate the house with my 4-year old and watch the excitement in her eyes.

It has been 3 months since I decided to leave my high-stress career to work virtually as a freelance editor. It was a very scary move, but since I am no longer gambling, we were able to take the chance. Luckily enough I am very busy and things are working out so far! Today I was thinking about my life without gambling. I will never forget that horrible, drowning feeling. Financially I was buried and consumed by a job that I allowed to take over my life. The key word is "allowed."  I felt I had no way out - maybe that I did not deserve something better. My confidence and self-worth is finally coming back. I sure have missed it!

A large portion of my freelance work is writing resumes for 100K+ executives. It sounds so simple when you compare it to directing business operations. What I found is that I love my job! I am finally able to help people. I get to know each client, their struggles, and their goals for the future. So many of them are where I was - they want their lives back and to focus on what is important in life instead of just trying to survive. It is so easy to get caught up with money issues and to think money will solve all of our problems. That is not the case. Money does not solve everything or there would be a lot more happy people in the world! Maybe I thought gambling would solve my financial problems and a big win would improve my life. Maybe I thought climbing up the career ladder would make me happy. Okay, yes, I thought both would make me happy. What took me too long to realize was that I already had everything I needed to be happy. I have children that love me no matter what and a wonderful and amazing husband. We all have something important in our life that cannot be bought with money. Sometimes it can be so hard to see the good things when everything else is crashing down.  

I guess I just want to say remember the human aspect of life. Remember to enjoy the little things and do not try to solve all of your problems at once. Sometimes it is easier to take life one hour at a time instead of one day at a time and that is okay. When I feel myself getting anxious and stressed I have to remind myself to take a breath and stop. The spiral of stress, worry, and anxiety is what triggers my need to escape. For me, I escaped to the casinos and hid from life. I never want to live like that again. Of course, I would love to escape once in awhile but I think somewhere tropical sounds much better!  

I hope you enjoy the holidays and find time for yourself and those you love.  

28. A YEAR - Reflection and HOPE!!!

It has been a little over a year and I apologize for not posting as often as I did at the beginning of this journey.  My life has changed so drastically since I stopped gambling.  It has been 381 days since I last gambled.  I cannot express how incredibly different and better my life is today.  In just under a year I was able to finally leave my full-time job, which was really a 65-hour a week, all-consuming responsibility.  Now, I am working from home doing what I love which is writing, editing and providing virtual administrative support.  It has been my dream since my youngest was born; she is now 4.

It was not an easy decision to take the risk and leave a guaranteed salary for the unknown, but it has turned out to be a wonderful gift.  For three and a half years I battled with financial problems.  The majority of which were caused by my gambling.  Then, there was the last year where I diligently put every penny we had towards paying bills and financially recovering from the disaster I created.  We still have debts of course, but are actually financially stable and achieving our goals at record pace.

I said that working from home is a gift and that is such a small word for how I feel.  Now I am spending time with my family and have the energy to do the things I want to do.  It is easy to work from home since I am used to long hours with an additional two-hour commute each day.  It is different when you are working for yourself and I am so thankful and truly happy.

No longer, do not dread waking up each day, hate Sundays because I have to go back to the office Monday.  I feel like I am truly living again.  This would have never occurred if I had not stopped gambling.  No matter how many times I say it, I cannot express how incredible it is to have my life back.


Life still has its challenges and quitting gambling does not mean everything is perfect, but in comparison it is tremendously better.  I equate it to living in hell and then coming back from the dead.  That is what I was when I was gambling.  "Dead."  Numb and lacking emotion, detached from reality, hiding from life, living in a dark box with no windows, and fighting severe stress, depression, and hopelessness.  It was fun for a while, the escaping reality part, until it started impacting and eventually taking over my reality.  Then, the dark hole that followed.  I thought I would never get out of that hole, that there was no hope, but to win that amazing jackpot.  It seems so crazy now.  What kind of jackpot could have saved me from the damage I had done and if I won, do I really think I would have simply walked away and never went back!  Seriously!  It would have only led to something worse and even more gambling.  

Today I am still repulsed when I drive by the exit I used to take to the casino.  I cannot even look in that direction.  I physically feel sick to my stomach from the thought.  This is a feeling I am thankful for because it makes my recovery easier.  One thing that I do not do is allow my self to think about being in the casino or in front of a slot machine.  I give myself about 30 seconds and then direct my thoughts to how I felt when I was leaving the casino, that empty, sick to my stomach, utter disgust.  I think of what it felt like each time I was frantically trying to replace money I should not have spent. If there is any chance that I actually have the urge to gamble, I have this blog to remind me.  There are many times that I reread what I wrote in the beginning, put myself back in time and re-experience what it was like and how I felt when I hit rock bottom.  If that doesn't stop me from gambling, then I need to be committed to an insane asylum!

I want to encourage those of you are exploring whether or not you have a gambling problem to take a chance and seek help.  Never could I have done it on my own.  In the beginning, I needed to hear others stories and to truly admit that I had a problem.


Until I made the decision to quit, not just for now, but forever I was not on the road to recovery.  I remember when I first conceded that I had a problem, I initially thought I would stop for now and maybe in the future I could gamble like everyone else.  After attending the first meeting, I realized I had to quit FOREVER.  That was a very tough reality to accept.  How could I quit forever.  I liked gambling, it was fun, it was a way to get a break from reality, blah, blah, blah!  Such lies.  The reality was that it was no longer fun.  No longer did I have control over when I went, how much I would spend, or anything else.

I slowly lost who I was as the gambling took over.  It was so subtle.  For me it took over five years before it truly started impacting me financially.  I could walk out of casino with money, only spend what I said I would spend, and I still enjoyed doing other things.  It wasn't until the last year or so that it became financially devastating.  That is when I thought it became a problem.  When I look back now and am truly honest, it was well over two years earlier that it started impacting my life and the time I spent with my family.  It controlled me and was really the only thing I liked to do.  It is sad when I think about all of the time I lost and cannot get back.  I prefer not to dwell on that fact, it is not healthy and I cannot change it.  It is good to remember though. 

On a happier note! 
A quick note from my daughter!  She wanted to help :-)

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Hopefully you smiled!

Please know that no matter how alone you feel, how embarrassed you are or how financially and emotionally devastated you are, there is tremendous hope.  All you have to do is take the first step.  You can call a gambling help line, show up at a GA meeting, or plead with a friend or family member that knows your problem to go with you.  Take that first step to regaining your life back!  ITS WORTH IT!!! I truly believe it is a life-changing decision and you will NEVER REGRET IT!

I was chicken and brought my husband to my first GA meeting.  He sat by my side and still had faith in me - guarded and reserved faith, but he had not given up on me which is more than I can say for myself.  It is likely that I would not have made that first meeting, faced my fear of walking in to a group of strangers, his support helped me to recovery.  Looking back, there was absolutely nothing to be afraid of - the group was honest, open, and just like me.  They had careers, some had families, others were financially well off or retired, but we all had one common bond - gambling impacted our lives negatively.  That hour changed my life, gave me hope, and I didn't feel as alone anymore.  I realized that others fell prey to the same illness and hit rock bottom too.  Many had lost so much more than I did, or gambled for decades longer than I had, but it did not matter how much money or how long you gambled, only that it had negatively impacted your life.  What I appreciated the most about the group is that I could be myself, stop hiding behind my brave, have it all together, happy mask.  It was okay to cry, to admit defeat, and to be welcomed with open arms.  It was like that saying: it was like coming home.

It has been quite a while since I attended my last meeting - work engulfed my life, but I want to go back because of the people.  They are amazing people who are succeeding at life.  I have so much respect for the changes they made in their lives.  I consider each and everyone of them as friends, which is something I do not have a lot of even this day.  During my gambling I shut-out the world and lost most any friends I had.  Another negative impact from gambling.

Please keep your chin up.  If you are impacted by someone else' gambling, I hope some of my posts can give light to the power this disease has and to understand that it is not intentional or directed toward you.  There is hope.  You still have to look out for yourself first, but you can definitely send them in the right direction.  Hopefully the information I provide in this blog can get you started.  There is help for you in GamAnon.  It is a support group for those impacted by someone else' gambling.  My husband went to this group while I attended my meetings.  At first he thought he was going to support me, but quickly realized he needed support.  The meetings gave him an outlet, other people who understood the devastation and burden carried by the non-gambler.  They carried most of the family and emotional burden left by the gambler.  This group provides tools for the non-gambling member to take care of themselves and to heal.

Both groups are amazing and I highly recommend them.  Hopefully through my blog, your research on other sites, and the wealth of information available regarding this addiction, we can move forward to healthier lives!

I wish you all the best and plan to post much more often.  Thank you so much for reading this blog.   

To date this blog has had 2,046 page views from over 20 countries.  You are NOT ALONE!

27. Almost a year!

It has been a while since my last post.  Things are going amazingly well.  Time has gone by so quickly.  In September I reach the one-year point.  When I look back at the insanity of the gambling cycle, it still makes me sick.  Whenever I hear an ad on the radio for a casino or see a bus drive by with advertising on the side, I honestly am still disgusted.  That disgust has made my recovery so much easier.

Financially things are so much better.  We are paying our bills on time, meeting our obligations and still have some money left.  Of course, we are still paying back money that was borrowed/spent due to my gambling and are still looking at about two more years before we are in the clear, but one year has flown by so fast.  I know that in two years, we will have a fresh start and life will only continue to get better.  A year ago I hit rock bottom and I could not see a way out.  I thought hitting that "big" jackpot would solve all of my problems.  Reality is so different than that.  If I did win that big jackpot, I would only have ended up spending more.  A gambler is never satisfied - looking back, it is difficult to admit it, but I was looking for the quick fix and was unwilling to be responsible and do the right thing.

Now, we are positioned to start realizing our goals.  I have hope again and look forward to the future instead of dreading reality.

Health-wise, I feel so much better.  Of course, work is insanely stressful, I am working about 60-70 hours a week on salary.  I am still angry at myself and sometimes discouraged that I cannot simply leave my job due to my debts, but I know that it will not be forever.

I do want to encourage those of you who are considering recovery from gambling.  Life can and will be so much better once the addiction no longer controls your life.  For me, I feel in control again, no longer feel that I am going to have a heart attack from stress or going to lose my mind.  My self-esteem has improved substantially and I no longer feel worthless.  Yes, I do still "hate" myself if I allow myself to dwell on the past, but knowing that I am doing the right thing now gives me a tremendous amount of strength to keep moving forward.

One of the greatest parts of my recovery is having my life back and no longer being controlled by the desire to gamble.  I love the time I spend with my family.  I am living in the present and actually experiencing life instead of hiding from it.  That does not mean life is easy, it just means I have the energy and strength to deal with it in a healthy way.

Gambling destroys who you are, it sucks the life out of you, and in many instances can truly make you insane or worse.  Recovery is a process and does take time.  There is no quick fix to turn back time or reverse the damage and devastation it causes.  Through recovery, you can find "you" again.  The person you were before you spun out of control.  The person who cared about others and enjoyed doing things outside of the one addiction.  There is so much more to life than focusing every ounce of who you are on one thing.

I am happy to say that I am still confident that I will never gamble again.  This confidence is different than arrogance.  I will never forget how the addiction slowly, subtly took control of me.  It was not something that occurred overnight.  To this day, I will not even buy a scratch ticket.  In my mind I feel that I would not have a problem with it, but am not willing to risk losing everything.  It is not worth it.  Nothing is worth going back to that terrible time in my life.  I never want to feel that way again.  That is what keeps me on the right path.  It is very important to know that I will never gamble again (no matter how innocent I think it may be).  There is no win that could change my life as much as quitting gambling.  No win that could make me happier than I am now.  These truths are why recovery works for me.

Please know that gambling is an addiction, it is not that you are a bad person or weak.  If you look at it as other addictions and realize the strong hold that an addiction has, it is easier to understand why it controls you.  When I find myself thinking about the past, I only let myself dwell on it for very short periods of time.  When I say short, I mean about two minutes.  That may seam like I am avoiding it and maybe I am.  I avoid trying to figure out why I did what I did.  It is a waste of time and does not change the present.  It only debilitates my recovery.  For me, I think I could get lost in that hopeless, worthless feeling and that is not a healthy place to be.  I prefer to work on the present and move forward, leaving that life behind.

I hope some of the things I write about help someone out there.  We all have different circumstances and reasons for doing what we do/did, but in recovery, we are all after one thing - getting our life back (regaining control, self-esteem, finding who we are, and trying to stop spiraling out of control).

I wish you the best in your recovery and encourage those of you who are researching ways to deal with this addiction.  If you are close to someone fighting this problem, you cannot make the choice for them.  They have to chose to seek help.  You can seek help for yourself though.  It is important for those impacted by someone else' gambling to find support and meet others going through the same thing.  You are not alone either.

Hopefully I will find a new job soon and be able to increase my posts on this blog.  This is a major part of my recovery.  This is my small way of trying to do something positive with my life instead of just focusing on me which is what I did when I was gambling.  It is very healing and I am thankful to those of you who read this blog.  Thank you!

25. May 2011 - Assisting Others

It has been a while since I last posted.  I guess I have been caught up in life!  Work is busy as always, more realistically it has been much busier.  Anyhow, my recovery is going very well.  I have been faced with many unique challenges the last month and in many ways those challenges have made me stronger.  A few weeks ago we brought two additional family members into our home.  Everything is going great and they are a wonderful addition to our home.  The one thing that I have been faced with is the fact that both of them gambled all of the time when they lived in Reno.  They moved up here to get a fresh start on life and away from the many damaging things they were doing in their lives.  I have been so impressed with how they left everything they owned, hopped in their car, and drove here to start over.  I have so much respect for the difficult choices they made.  The main thing they left was a life of using drugs.  They have been clean for nearly two months and are doing very well.  Both of them had jobs within a week of moving here.

I was worried when I found out that both of them gambled regularly when they lived in Reno.  At first I was worried that these discussions could potentially set off an urge in me to gamble.  Surprisingly, it only reinforced my resolve to never gamble again.  It is strange to hear another person discuss their gambling experiences, including the excitement, adrenaline rush, their luck at winning, and finally the fact that no matter how much they won, they either gave it all back and usually more the same day or returned and lost it all plus more.  It was like I was listening to a recording of myself when I used to discuss gambling.  

The most important reason that I gambled, though I may not have recognized it at the time, was to escape reality.  Ultimately it led to me emotionally checking out of life.  This included the good and the bad.  I used gambling to escape work stress, financial problems, disappointments, and many other challenges that we all face.  The escape was wonderful in the beginning and it took several years before it became a negative factor in my life.  Once I was no longer in control of my gambling, the path to destruction occurred very quickly.  I just kept thinking I was simply having a stretch of bad luck that was lasting longer than usual, but that I would still bounce back and start winning like I "always" did.  The problem is that it is difficult to recognize when recreational gambling turns into a problem.  For me, I still am unable to pinpoint the exact moment that gambling went from recreational to an addiction.  As with many other addictions, it simply takes the right personality traits (many gamblers have obsessive/compulsive tendencies) and the right set of circumstances.  Once I hit that turning point, the path to destruction took place so quickly that I was completely blindsided.  I still am able to see the good and bad sides of gambling.  This allows me to communicate with other gamblers experiencing similar problems and to understand what it feels like when gambling transitions from fun to a problem.  There is a discuss the reality of gambling once you cross over the line where it is no longer fun, even though compulsive gamblers convince themselves that it is. Those close to me were able to see the problem building long before I ever could.  For me, it took hitting rock bottom and nearly losing everything in my life before I could accept and admit I had a problem that I could not control on my own.  

It is so healing to share the tools that I am learning through attending GA meetings and literature for problem gambling.  The horrible experiences that I put myself through allow me to understand how a gambler thinks and to truly know what they are feeling. It also provides me with a deeper understanding of the addiction as a whole. This addiction is evil. It subtly lures you in and then takes full control of your thinking and ultimately your life.  

Hopefully I will be able to use my experiences to help others now and in the future. 

I am still incredibly thankful for my family, GA, and most importantly my higher power (God) for supporting me and making the recovery process so much easier than it could have been.

24. April 2011

Wow, it is April already and it has been awhile since I have posted anything new.  Between work and life I am exhausted!  Sometimes it feels like it takes everything I have just to make it through the work week.  I guess that is called life!  It is exhausting.  Anyhow, my recovery is going great.  Every day is easier and now I hardly ever think about gambling.  My GA meetings are still a very important part to my recovery.  It is during those meetings that I remember where I was seven months ago.  How absolutely insane and terrifying my life was.  It is important to remember so I never gamble again.  I know that if I went to the casino even one time, I would ultimately end up where I was seven months ago, if not in a worse situation.  It is easy to abstain from gambling when you face the reality that ultimately you will lose everything.  For me, that knowledge takes away any urge to gamble.  I have no desire to ever feel the way I did when I stopped gambling.  It still makes me sick when I think about the damage I did during that horribly selfish, destructive time.  I no longer focus on my gambling addiction because I no longer allow it to control me.  With the constant encouragement from my husband and my GA family, I have everything I need to make it through this journey.

When I take the time to write a post for my blog, it is my therapy and is a very important part to my recovery.  Many times in recovery you will be urged to write things down.  Writing helps me download my brain, it is my opportunity to process the thoughts and emotions that I ignore or am completely unaware of on a regular basis.  So often I feel like I am in survival mode, just going through the motions, and always racing against the clock to get everything done.  When I take the time to write down my thoughts, it allows me to process and deal with things on my terms.

My main triggers to go to the casino were work, stress, anxiety, and exhaustion.  In my job, I deal with pretty much all of those triggers every day!  The time I spend talking things out in the GA meetings, learning from others, sharing my thoughts with my husband, and writing on this blog, is so incredibly important.  I will definitely admit that I do not devote as much time as I should.

Many times I catch myself falling back into old habits and preferring to escape reality rather than deal with it.  It is good to take a healthy break from reality once in a while.  When I feel like escaping reality, an escape can be as simple as taking time to go for a walk, establishing and devoting time to an exercise routine, spending the day with friends, watching a movie, painting, listening to music, reading a book, turning the TV off, or my favorite - going for a day trip in the car.  Healthy escapes do not have to cost money - the important part is to figure out what you like to do.  This can be hard if you have lost a large span of your life to gambling.  It is my experience that most compulsive gamblers gave up most if not  all of their hobbies, lost interest in participating in life, closed out friends, and have large voids of time to fill once they quit gambling.  When you decide to quit gambling, you do not have to deal with all of your problems at once. Most people who seek help  - are facing reality square in the face, are completely overwhelmed, and finally realize they need help.

Initially, the important thing is to focus on yourself, obtain the tools to help you with your recovery, and find a support person/group - preferably people who understand gambling.

Once you are in the recovery process you can focus on becoming a better person.  Primarily I am focusing on the things I can change instead of the things that I have no control over.  My greatest challenge is to change how I react to and deal with people, particularly at work  My problem is that I am like a sponge.  I absorb the emotions of everyone around me, internalize how they are feeling, often worry that I made them mad, hurt their feelings, or agitated them.  If someone is stressed out, I feel tense, if they are sad, I am worried that I did something wrong or feel depressed, if they are agitated, I get edgy.  This constant emotional intensity is incredibly exhausting and causes additional unnecessary stress in my life.  The thing I constantly try to work on is acknowledging and accepting the fact that I cannot change other people, only myself and how I deal with things.

The GA Serenity Prayer:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  

It may sound like such a small, insignificant statement, but it is the most important thing that I have learned from recovery.  Now, I am starting to accept other people's moods for what they are - their moods, not mine.

I am thankful for the fact that I finally acknowledged that gambling was controlling me. After making it this far in life with no other addictions, it was incredibly difficult to face the fact that I had lost control and allowed something to impact my life so negatively without even realizing it.   It seems so stupid when I look back at things, how did I let it go so far?  Anyhow, the past is the past and I cannot change it.  I can only move forward, make good decisions, exercise self control, and improve my character.  Through these changes I will regain the trust of my family and rebuild lost friendships.

Thank you for taking the time to read my posts, especially the long rambling ones!  Feel free to email me anytime.  I would love to hear from you!

Thanks.

23. The last six months - what worked and why

After being sick for two weeks and finally feeling better, I figure it is a good time to check in!  Things are still going well.  I am surprised by that fact in many aspects.  After being in recovery for six months, I realize that life is still full of surprises and stress can be handled in many different ways.  

When I gambled, I avoided dealing with emotions, tried to avoid dealing with stressful situations, and essentially checked out of life.  In turn, the stresses in my life multiplied because I was no longer focusing on what was important.  Instead of paying bills, I would try to free up money to gamble with.  I constantly felt that the next big win was around the corner, that it would solve all of my problems.  The problem with that theory is that money is only one part of the equation (life).  When you check out and emotionally remove yourself from the present by engulfing yourself in your addiction, you miss the good things in life.  I missed time with my family and friends.  I allowed the bills to spiral out of control and almost lost everything.  The sad thing is, when I was gambling, I did not see what I was missing.  It was like tunnel vision.  All I thought about was going to the casino, getting money to go to the casino, or figuring out how to pay the bills.  If I was not gambling, I was calculating - most times subconsciously - how I would get away to go to the casino again.  When I was gambling, I did not think clearly or really think at all.  I lost all control.  My family's well being, our financial future, and my personal health were put aside.  I expended so much time and energy on gambling.  Looking back at things, I still am completely blown away by the fact that gambling took over my life. It all seems so incredibly ridiculous.  I cannot believe how stupid, irresponsible, immature, and selfish I was. 

When I think about the addiction and what it did to my life, what I did, it still makes me sick.  It is difficult to keep my head up and push forward when I drown myself in thoughts of my horrible behavior.  There are four key factors that helped me stop gambling: 

1.  The support of my husband and family.  This was and is incredibly important.  He does not bring up the money I lost.  The way he looks at it is this: what's done is done, the money is gone and we cannot get it back, the only thing we can do is move from this point forward by working to ensure it does not happen again.  This outlook - the fact that he does not continue to make me feel worse than I already feel (which is not possible) is critical to my recovery.  If I was constantly reminded of how much I screwed up, I would continue to have low self esteem, beat myself up mentally, and eventually give up and return to the casino.  If I had to relive my mistakes over and over and over (worse than I already do), I would just give up and say why bother.  If I was treated like I was still gambling, why not still gamble?  It would not be his fault that I was gambling, but it would drive me straight back to the casino.  

2.  My higher power.  Once I finally - the key word is "finally" decided to stop gambling, I was able to talk to God and hand the control gambling had over me to God.  Knowing that I had something greater than me to help me, to turn to, and most importantly forgive me, made each day easier.  When things are tough, I talk to God, when things are good, I talk to God.  I thank God for removing this terrible defect from my personality and life.  I continue to pray that he will be here to help me if the compulsion to gamble comes back.  I strongly believe that he is helping me with the urges, with recovery, and by bringing the correct people into my life.  I always tell people when it comes to believing in a higher power this:  what do you have to lose by believing?      

3.  Gamblers Anonymous.  My husband looked online and located a GA meeting near our home that took place on Saturdays.  He offered to go with me to my first meeting, that was the moment that I admitted to myself that I had a problem.  If he was willing to go to a meeting for a problem that was not his own, then I should certainly be able to go to the meeting for us.  What I found is that everyone was so welcoming; they completely understood exactly where I was at that moment.  

There is no way for someone without a gambling problem to even come close to understanding what drives the addiction to gambling.  How could they understand?  When you look at gambling from the outside, it is truly insane!  The reality is that the gambler can more often than not see the insanity as well. They just cannot see their way out of the situation or are not willing to admit that there is a problem or seek help. Why would someone go somewhere, spend all of their money and time, and more often than not, leave with nothing.  How could they throw away everything good in their life to sit within the four walls of a casino, without any windows, seldom talking to anyone, and somehow think they were having fun?  

The thing about GA is that it is a group of people who do understand the addiction, who know the thrill and excitement that occurs when you think about gambling, the adrenaline rush, the challenge, the power, and the control.  They also understand the utter devastation, physical illness, emptiness, low or no self esteem, desperation, insanity, and every other aspect of the illness.  The GA program provides you with the tools and support necessary to beat the addiction.  There is something incredibly unique about GA that differentiates the program from many other addiction recovery programs.  The people in the meetings are there because they want to be there.  They made the personal choice to change their lives. They are not there because of a court order or other legal problem, etc.  There is an instant bond between GA members.  When you walk through the door for the first time and hear what other gamblers have to say, it is an eye opening, incredible experience.  It is as if they know every aspect of your life (the secondary, often hidden, gambling life).  The only thing required to become a GA member is the willingness to stop gambling.  The other thing that surprised me is that more than half of the members in my “home” group have abstained from gambling for at least a year and many for much longer.  This shows that the program works if you want it to. 

I am not the type of person who likes to sit around a table and share my problems with strangers.  I have gone to counseling in the past and it did help with some of my problems, but I never mentioned anything about gambling. Needless to say, it is vital to deal with the gambling addiction to make progress!  One thing I found while I was researching "gambling problems" on the internet was that there are state funded counseling centers that have counselors who know how to treat compulsive gamblers.  They also know how to treat drug and alcohol problems so this can be helpful if you are fighting two addictions at once.  Additionally, they are qualified to handle mental health disorders, which also tend to go hand in hand with gambling addictions.  

Lastly, Gam-Anon is an amazing support group for those who are impacted by someone with a gambling problem.  My husband attends a Gam-Anon meeting while I attend my GA meeting.  At first he went to Gam-Anon for me, he quickly realized that the meetings were far more important for him.  

Gam-Anon offers: a safe and understanding environment to ask questions; ways to try and understand the illness or at least hear other members stories and experiences; and most importantly provides tools and guidance for members to protect and take care of their needs.  Now we are working in tandem toward recovery.  The great thing about both of us attending meetings at the same time is that during the drive home from the meetings we openly discuss how our meetings went, what we learned, and it provides a very healthy, open forum to discuss any issues related to gambling.  Once we get home, it is not brought up again until the next meeting.                  

If you have questions about compulsive gambling or how to support a compulsive gambler, please feel free to leave a comment or send an email to recoveryandhope@gmail.com.  Everything is anonymous and I would love to write a post in response to your question(s).  Thank you for reading this.  

22. Evaluating today and life over the last six months

It has been a while since I posted anything.  Everything has been going well, just had that really bad flu so I was out for several days.

I am still fighting a kind of depressive funk.  When I am stuck in the house for several days, my depressive side starts to kick in.  What is frustrating is that I am unable to pinpoint why I feel down, irritable, or sad.  It drives me crazy!

Most Sundays I spend a lot of my time dreading going to work on Monday.  In the past, I cannot say I really looked forward to Mondays, but I did not let it impact my weekend.  Now, I really do hate the idea of diving back into the real world each Monday.  Maybe it is because I love my home life and there is nowhere else I would rather be.

I think the part about going to work on Monday that I hate is commuting for an hour and forty minutes to get to work.  When I wake up, my daughter is always snuggled right in next to me sound asleep.  It is so hard to get up and go through the morning routine.  Many times it is so challenging and difficult just to get out of bed.  It is amazing how depression can take so much energy and hope out of a person.  It is debilitating and agitating, especially when there is no major reason for feeling the way you do.

Often times I catch myself almost feeling sorry for myself because I am unable to work from home and stay home with my youngest like we had planned before we decided to get pregnant.  Life happens, job loss happens, and unforeseen things happen, it is how you deal with it that impacts your quality of life.  Lately, I feel like I am just not dealing with it as well as usual.  There is no justifiable reason for my increased anxiety or depression, besides our cars breaking down, and money issues, but everyone has to deal with that. Many times I ask myself why I am still weak and have such a hard time dealing with every day life at times.  Then, I take the time to write down what is bothering me and I start to feel better.  To simply address my fears and anxiety head on makes a huge difference.

Lately I have been spending a lot of time reading up on self-help information.  I feel that if you can learn to deal with life on "life's terms," everything else will be easier.

Dealing with a gambling problem has allowed me to focus on other areas of my life.  It has lead me to recognize my subconscious thoughts, to start finding better ways to deal with disappointment, stress, anxiety, etc.

Before I started recovery, all of the emotions and feelings I just listed would drive me straight to the casino.  When I look at it in hindsight, that was the last thing I should have done.  It was a quick fix that only lasted while I was inside the casino.  The minute I left, many times even if I won, the feelings that caused me to gamble compounded.  What may have been a few things that were bothering me turned into true problems that I created.  Who in their right mind would continually put themselves through that type of stress and call it fun!  Obviously it is a form of illness - insanity!

Besides the high possibility of losing my husband after my last three-month binge of gambling, I honestly believed that I was going to have a stroke or heart attack.  That level of self-induced stress is truly debilitating.  So, what does a compulsive gambler do?  They go back to the casino because somehow we have subconsciously convinced ourselves that we worked hard, had a good job, and deserved it.  That it was relaxing, a place to escape our worries, and get away from everything. The problem is, that only causes the problems in all areas of our lives to worsen.  Many times, it may not have been the money lost that was the issue.  I can almost guarantee that most of us are pretty good at what we did or at least knew when to cut our losses, walk away, and try another day.

In my case, I won for years, never walked in with more than 40 dollars and almost always won.  It was fun and exciting, it did not cause stress in my life back then.  Then, I believe that the underlying problems in my life, the ones that were set off to the side while I was focused on gambling, began to multiply.  This included anything from ignoring paying a bill so I could go to the casino to starting to miss work or go home "sick" as soon as the urge hit me, to losing interest in all of my hobbies, losing sleep and dealing with insomnia, compounding my depression and anxiety, and so much more.  Initially those overwhelming compulsions to gamble were few and far between.



When I find myself falling into my depressive moods and dealing with anxiety, it is my reminder to focus inward, to write down what it bothering me, and to take time for me (but not too much time).

Next week I will have been in recovery for six months.  Six months without going to a casino, buying a scratch ticket, or anything else.  To some that may seem like a short time.  To a gambler who is considering to seek help, the thought of going without gambling for even a day, a week, or a month seems completely ridiculous.  Why would we ever want to stop completely? We love gambling - what an ironic statement.  Anyhow, I am happy to have made it this far.  Life still continues to be challenging, but I am no longer bringing additional stress and financial devastation into my life.  I am actually living in the present now and feeling true emotion again.  The guilt that I used to feel daily, the horrible self image that I had, and the unbearable despair that I felt is no longer an every day part of my life.

When I do look at our finances and become frustrated by the financial hole that I put my family in, it is easy to get lost in the past, to want to give up, or to try that one last time to hit the big win.  The reality is, there is never a "big win" that will be enough to make a compulsive gambler quit gambling.  It will only fire up their addiction and probably double the devastation down the road.  Occasionally I still have fleeting thoughts of the casino cross my mind, but I am still filled with the disgust and remember every last detail of hitting rock bottom.  I hated myself, felt I was a horrible person, completely worthless, a liar, terrible parent, horrible wife, and just plain "no good."  The only reason I stayed alive was for my children.  I did not want my family to remember me as a quitter or loser, or most importantly weak.

When you meet with other compulsive gamblers who are also seeking help, the first thing that is obvious is that gamblers are not stupid, they generally have good jobs, established retirements, and are smart people. Many had good credit, paid their bills, and lead good lives.  This horrible addiction took so much away from so many people, it is sad to see the devastation it caused in so many lives.

If I ever have the urge to gamble, I just have to mentally take myself back to where I was six months ago.  It it not difficult to remember.   Those thoughts, those feelings, the horror, and guilt are always with me and it is easy to remember them when I need to.  The rest of the time, I can acknowledge my guilt about my mistakes, but have to simply focus on the fact that I cannot change the past, but I can definitely change the future and am taking the steps to do so through my recovery.  That is what matters, that is what is making me a better person, and that is what truly shows courage and strength.  The willingness to admit you have a problem, and then taking the action to turn your life around.  That is something to be proud of and to keep you going forward in your recovery.

I wish you the best.

21. Life, working through anxiety, and thankful for the good

As I mentioned in a previous post, our car was hit in a parking lot a few weeks ago. The damage was under $700, but barely. I am happy to say that we were able to work with the person who hit us and will have our car repaired soon. Our other two cars are still not running, but we hope a new radiator will fix at least one of them. There is light at the end of the tunnel!

I am working on stressing about the things I can change and leaving the things I have no control over to God. It is a great relief to let go of my problems and to trust in something greater to help me through it.

Since I deal with anxiety and depression issues often, there are many days where it is difficult to function and often times even get out of bed. This week has been one of those weeks. One week I feel fine, or even one day at a time, and then an overwhelming sense of depression kicks in and I just shut down. I worked from home a couple of days this week since I was plagued with migraines and exhaustion. I want so badly to control these emotions and physical reactions. The lack of control is frustrating. This is one of those things that I am focusing on in my recovery. Anxiety and depression can take so much away from your quality of life. It can also feed addiction. I know that if I do not find the tools to deal with the side effects, it will put me at risk for a relapse at some point.

The tools that I am trying out include the following:

Write down what is on your mind each day

Only spend a half hour to focus on the stressful issues 

Identify what is causing the anxiety

Write down what you can do to help the situation or identify the issues you cannot change

Once the list is written down, it is like downloading your brain.  I feel like I have a little more control over the situation. That feeling can go a long way. It also helps me to refocus and turn over the things I need help with to God. After that, this is where the hardest part kicks in - I have to stop focusing and getting worked up over the things I cannot change and let those thoughts just pass through instead of linger. 

The thing about anxiety is that your brain runs in circles, over and over, always evaluating worse-case scenarios. If we could take that energy and put that effort into making changes in our lives, think how far we could go! It is so logical on paper, but very difficult to practice.

The next thing I plan to do is start exercising again. My knee has almost completely healed from surgery and I am ready to get back into shape and feel better, it always helps with depression.  It is just hard to take that first step - kind of similar to seeking help for gambling.  Difficult to start, but you always feel better after you have done it.

If you search the web for ways to deal with anxiety, there are so many helpful ideas out there. The only reason I am writing about this is that I think many people who are compulsive and sometimes obsessive tend to also suffer through addiction. Maybe if we could work on the character flaws associated with those characteristics, we could also curb the negative impacts they have on our lives.

I also feel that people without anxiety or depression disorders still go through many of the same feelings and struggles, they just process them in healthier ways.

As I continue to find useful tools, I will share them with you in hopes that they will be helpful.

On an entirely different note, part of my looking at both the negatives and positives in life, I am thankful for the following:

Work is going well. It is always stressful and many times frustrating, but I am lucky to have my job. I am learning so many things every day and I know it is preparing me for even better things in the future.

The kids are doing well. My 14-year old keeps us very busy with select soccer. It is definitely an all consuming sport! Our social life is based around soccer and that's pretty much it.

Our youngest is almost turning four! She is an amazing gift and her hugs and love makes everything seem alright!

My husband is the most wonderful man in the world, he accepts my flaws, and is willing to work with me to get better. He is an amazing father too. There are no words to describe how lucky and grateful I am. I have tremendous respect for him and love his sarcastic sense of humor, and his never ending patience with our teenagers!  

The funny thing is, until I met him, I never truly thought you could be married and happy at the same time. I honestly thought that once you were married and the honeymoon period was over, that was it. I thought the excitement of marriage, having a family, being each other's best friend, and everything else always faded over time. That whole "half glass empty" theory. After meeting my husband I realized that life does not have to be that way, that you can be married and happy and that not everything good ends poorly. This should only prove the theory that wasting energy by focusing on what "could" happen, instead of enjoying what is right in front of you is senseless and useless.

I hope this post can help us all refocus our energies on the positive things in life and the things we can change! Tomorrow is a new day!

20. Back from vacation

I am back from vacation and feel much better.  It is amazing what a little rest can do!  Vacationing is another side benefit to recovery!  We actually had the money to go on vacation.  We did not go anywhere warm or expensive, but it was sure nice to get away for a few days.

This morning we woke up to five inches of snow so I opted to work from home.  If the boss only knew how much more you get done when you work from home!  After a ten-hour day and a wonderful feeling of accomplishment it is time to kick back and relax.

I am anxiously looking forward to my Saturday GA meeting.  I miss everyone and cannot wait to hear how everyone is doing.

My recovery is still going extremely well.  No setbacks to date and I have yet to really have to fight any urges to go to the casino.  I still find myself considering the purchase of a scratch ticket or lottery ticket now and again, but have not allowed myself to do so since that still constitutes gambling.

Yesterday was frustrating.  Work went well, but when I came home there was a bill from a collection agency anxiously awaiting for me.  It was for two medical bills that for some reason or another my insurance did not pay.  One was from over five years ago and the other from two years ago.  They totaled over $6,000!  It was depressing to receive such an overwhelming bill and have it not be something do to my gambling.  Maybe it inadvertently was.  When I was gambling, I would receive bills in the mail and just throw them away without opening them.  I lived in total denial and never faced the consequences of "real life."  Last week our car was hit when we went to the movies, luckily we were there when it happened, but what a hassle.  Our other car broke down the week before so now we have two cars in the driveway that need repairs and one car that needs a cosmetic fix.  Sometimes life throws curve balls, even when you are on the right path.  It is frustrating.  When I opened the collection notice, a very brief thought passed through my mind.  It was the notorious "I could win the money at the casino!" and then the thought was gone.  Again, I was disgusted that it even crossed my mind.  Disgust is a great way to deal with the urges though!

Anyhow, other than money issues as always, life is going very well and I am so thankful every day.  What an absolutely amazing gift recovery is.  I will never regret the day I made the choice to quit gambling and truly acknowledge that I had a problem.  If I had not destroyed our finances by gambling, I would have been able to obtain a loan to pay off the collection bill.  Now I have to face the reality that they may try to garnish my wages, which is terrifying since we are spending a good percentage of our income paying off my debts.  If I had not gambled, I would have the money available to pay down the bill in a timely manner.

All I can do is pray about it and then contact the creditor with the hope that they will work with me.  There is nothing else that I can do and I have to be okay with that, even when it is scary.  I cannot go back to my old habit of avoiding anything I do not want to deal with.  It will only lead to more stress and a worse outcome.

With that said, I am off to spend time with my family.  I hope you are all doing well and with you the best!

19. Vacation!

After six weeks of crazy work hours and finally settling in to our new office at work it is time for vacation!  I am looking forward to four days off work and time to catch up on much needed sleep.

Last Saturday I missed my GA meeting because I was sick with the flu and I am going to miss it again this Saturday, but I will definitely be back next week.  The meetings keep me grounded and focused on becoming a better person.  They are a vital part of my recovery and I am looking forward to going back!

Having worked an average of 70 hours per week for the last month and a half, there has been no time to even think about the casino.  It still does not appeal to me and I have no interest in going back.  I am so thankful that recovery is actually easier than I thought it would be.  I know I have said this before, but when I was gambling, the thought of never going back seemed impossible.  At that time, I was not ready to quit.  I honestly thought I could regain control of my gambling and be like everyone else.  Now, having been away from the casino for five months, I know that I can never go back.  It could take just one time for me to be sucked right back in.  I am not willing to ever go back to that terrible place in my life.  When I think of how it impacted my life and my family's life, it still disgusts me and does not appeal to me whatsoever.  That definitely makes recovery much easier.

One of the main reasons I continue to blog on this site is so I have a journal that I can look back on and never forget how I felt before I quit.  I also write with the hope of inspiring other's to start their journey to recovery or to continue their recovery when they are facing challenging circumstances.

Thank you all for your support through this process.  It means everything to my recovery and I appreciate you all.

18. Almost five months into recovery

I am approaching five months in recovery.  It sounds like such a short amount of time, but when you consider how much power gambling had in my life, it is quite a while.  There are so many positive things that have occurred since I quit gambling.  Obviously our finances are improving and I am not stressed out all of the time about trying to find money to replace the money that I spent at the casino.  Our family life is wonderful - I cannot believe that I jeopardized my wonderful relationship with my husband because of my addiction.  It is frustrating when I think about what I put him through and only makes me love him more for accepting my "major" flaw and being willing to work through recovery with me.  I do not deserve him after what I have done, but I do know that I was not always a bad person and that I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to him.

Life is constantly throwing curve balls at us, but that is life and there is nothing we can do to change that. One of the GA sayings is that we must learn to accept the things we cannot change and change the things we can.  In writing it seems so simple and logical, but in practice it is very difficult.  There are so many things that I try to change daily that are outside my control.  Most often I find this to be challenging at work.  So many times I find myself trying to change other people's reactions and opinions.  What I am trying to accept is that only they can do that.  I am working on focusing on changing my view on things, my part in a situation, and trying to figure out ways to avoid situations that I cannot control.  Avoiding things is probably not the best solution, but it definitely can help in certain circumstances.

Another benefit to recovery is that I am more focused at work, have a better level of self confidence, and that enables me to establish boundaries with those around me.  I hate to say that I cannot do something or that I am unable to meet a deadline.  For weeks I have worked at least 30 hours of overtime a week to make sure our office move was successful and it paid off because everything worked out correctly.  Since my focus was on arranging everything for the move much of my workload was done during the weekend, late at night, and through lunches.  This has been draining and I am definitely exhausted.  The good news is that the workload will hopefully fall back within a 45-hour week and I will eventually be able to occasionally take lunch breaks again!

We are going on vacation next weekend and taking a couple of days off from work.  I am looking forward to quality time with my family and it cannot come soon enough!

Last night my husband asked me how I felt about my daughter's soccer tournaments that are coming up over the next year or two.  They have two tournaments in Las Vegas.  I had already thought about this and decided that I could go to the tournament if we stayed at a condo or house away from the casinos.  I love driving out to red rock, going to the M&M store, and so many other things.  Of course, there were certain things that I told my husband I would wish to avoid.  I would want to stay out of all casinos - I am not worried about relapsing and gambling - which is surprising.  The reason I want to stay away from the casinos is that I know I would be agitated and probably not the most fun person to be around if I was constantly surrounded by the sound of slot machines.  Though I am in recovery, it does not mean that the sound of a slot machine would not trigger every urge possible to want to gamble again.  We will evaluate going to her tournament as the day draws nearer.  It is over a year from now and I do not know where I will be in my recovery at that time.  It does make you think though.  Much of my recovery has been easier for me because I do not go anywhere near a casino, I do not go in convenience stores with scratch tickets (even though that was not where my addiction was focused, I could see it being a way for me to "cheat" the system and hinder my recovery), I essentially avoid everything possible to do with gambling.  I think it makes it easier.

I hope you are all doing well and wish you the best in your recovery or strength to support someone around you.

Have a great week!

17. Checking in - Feb. 2, 2011

I am checking in to say hi and let everyone know that everything is going well.  The office move has taken up all of my time so time is flying by.  I worked 148 hours over the last two weeks!  Needless to say there has been little time to think about much of anything let alone gambling.  In the past my job and stress was one of the biggest triggers for me to gamble.  The casino was my escape.  Now, if the thought crosses my mind it is only there briefly.  I acknowledge it and then it is gone.  I no longer think of the casino as an escape.  That is a tremendous difference from the past.  Before I stopped gambling, the thought of never going to a casino again was absolutely terrifying.  It was the last thing I would give up.  Since I started recovery, the reality that I can never place that first bet has become a part of life.  I no longer feel like I am giving up something or missing out on something.  What an amazing gift!  I am so thankful for finding GA, for the strength that God has given me, and for all of the support I have received.  There are many people who I thought would judge me and look at me as weak, but that has not been the case.  They respect me for acknowledging that I have a problem and taking action to get help.  I was very surprised by how different their reactions were compared to my expectations.  Maybe it is because gamblers judge themselves more than anyone else ever could.  No matter what the reason, I can honestly say that I am thankful for everything right now.  My life has improved so much since I quit gambling and I have hope for the future.  What an amazing gift.

16. Time to relax

I missed my GA meeting this morning.  My husband and daughter went to the doctor.  The baby has had a fever for several days so we had to put her on a different antibiotic and my husband still has the flu.  Apparently I must have needed sleep after the long week because I slept straight through my alarm until 11:00 am!  I am bummed that I missed the meeting this morning, but also know that I need to stay rested and healthy.  When I get over tired I tend to have more urges to gamble.

It looks like today will be a lazy day and I am looking forward to that a lot!   I am going to email my friends from GA so I continue to stay in touch and because I miss seeing them.

Have a wonderful weekend!

15. Survived the office move!

Well, it has definitely been a long week.  We moved the office Wednesday night.  That involved coming into work at 8:00 am and staying there until 5:00 am the next day!   Needless to say, I worked from home yesterday after a brief period of sleep.  Today included 10 hours straight of unpacking boxes and moving boxes - how fun. Now I think I need a week off!

The great thing is that all the exercise has really helped to reduce my stress levels.  It is amazing how much I feel better when I am up moving around instead of sitting at a desk all day.  My knee has almost entirely healed from surgery and it is great to finally start feeling better.

The best part of the move is that the last month has flown by so quickly that I have not even thought about the casino, which is a wonderful side effect.  I really do not think about it much anymore.  One of the things that has made recovery easier is playing games on Facebook, it is a great way to relax and take time for myself.  I am still watching how much time I spend on the computer.  The games are very addictive and can be very consuming if you let them be.  It is interesting to watch how I moved from a financially devastating addiction to another addiction that I enjoy just as much!  I never thought I could find something that I enjoyed as much as the casino. I am one of those people who has to be challenged and loves to compete and the games meet both of those interests.  Life is starting to balance out now.  The quality time with my family is wonderful now that I am not stressing about hiding how much I lost, how I was going to pay the bills, or trying to sneak away and get to the casino.  Each day I enjoy every moment I have with my family.

One of my girls is in select soccer so we are busy every weekend for most of the year.  Last weekend I missed my GA meeting since my daughter's soccer game was at the same time.  The week is not the same when I miss a meeting.  The meetings are my reminder to stay focused, continue to improve who I am, and to see the progress I have made since I started this journey.

I love how my life is now and will never go back to that horrible place I was in when I was gambling.  That life seems so long ago.  It is not part of my new life and I no longer miss it!  When I started this journey I thought it would be terrible in many ways.   I was sure that the urges would occur regularly and that nothing would bring me the excitement and "fun" that gambling did.  Recovery has been much easier than I thought.  So much of it is due to the wonderful, encouraging, and supportive people in my GA group.  Going to the meetings hold me accountable to someone other than myself though I know that if I were to relapse, they would be there to support and not judge me.  That fact alone keeps me coming back.  There is absolutely no one in the room who judges you if you make a mistake.  They completely understand and only want the best for you.  If someone slips it is a needed reminder that we could be there if we let our guard down for even a second.  One bet and we are back where we were before we started recovery.  It is so easy to think that you can go back and gamble like a normal person. I think that is the biggest deception of this illness.  The fact that we want so much to be able to go back to the way it was when we first started.  No one starts out with a gambling problem in the beginning.  As far as I know, it is something that sneaks up on you over time.  That is the scary thing.  Even if you could control your gambling for a while, eventually the addiction would come back and most likely it would be even worse than before.

One of the most important aspects of my recovery was admitting to myself that the money I lost was gone and that I would never be able to win it back.  Even if I did, I would end up spending it and more in the end.

I am so thanking for finding GA and for all of the people that continue to support me.  They are why my recovery is going so well and why I have so much hope and faith in the fact that I will beat this illness and continue to remain bet free.  With that, I can only say from my experience that it is so difficult to quit this addiction on your own.  Having others that truly know and understand the power that this addiction can have over you is what makes recovery possible.  It is knowing that they have been there and that you are not alone that enables recovery.

On that note, I am looking forward to my meeting tomorrow, even though I am utterly exhausted and would love to sleep in.  I know that as soon as I walk in my meeting I will be so happy that I did get up early. When I leave the meeting I feel centered and focused.  Everyone in the meeting remains in my thoughts and prayers all week and I feel energized and ready for the week.

Time to sign off and take a little "me" time!  Have a great weekend.

14. Quick post to say hi

I am checking in to say that everything is still going well.  Since our office at work is moving this week, it has been extremely crazy!  It has definitely left me with little to no time to think about gambling.

In the past, the stress would have driven me straight to the casino, but surprisingly, it does not seem appealing to me anymore.  I feel very lucky.  Thoughts of the casino still cross my mind, but that is all they do.  I do not allow myself to even let me thoughts go down that road.  It seems to work best when I acknowledge the thought, reflect on where I am now, and briefly remember where I was before.  I can definitely see where the deception of this disease comes in to play.  For me, I notice that the farther I am into my recovery, the more I have to remind myself that I absolutely cannot ever go to a casino.  It gets easier to think that I would never fall back into the destructive path that I was on before I quite gambling.  As soon as I realize that I even subconsciously consider the fact that I would be able to gamble like a "normal" person, I immediately put those thoughts in check.  All of this is self talk, but it definitely keeps me on track.  When I am honest with myself, I know that I would inevitably end back up right where I was before.  Going to GA is very helpful since it is that ongoing, consistent reminder that I do have a gambling addiction that will be with me the rest of my life.  That reminder is necessary.  I have yet to walk away from a meeting feeling worse than I did before I went.  It is so inspiring to look around the room and see how many people have gone well over a year without gambling.  That is where I want to be.  It has been over four months now since I went to my first GA meeting.  I know it may not sound like very long, but to a gambler who used to dread going a week without gambling, it is a substantial amount of time.  The best part is that I do not feel like I am missing out on something.  In the past I would be agitated and angry if I was not "allowed" to go gambling.  It is different this time because I will not allow myself to go even near a casino.  It still repulses me when I think about it.  The improvements in our finances is a daily reminder of how lucky I am to have found GA and sought help.  I cannot imagine how much worse things would have been if I had waited till now or a year from now.  Of course, I wish I sought help earlier, but sometimes I think you have to truly hit rock bottom or close to truly want help.  Had I not hit that point, I would have kept on gambling for as long as I could.

Anyhow, I just wanted to check in and say hi and let you all know that things are still going very well.  Now I need to get some sleep before a lovely 16-hour day tomorrow for the move --- uggghhh.

Have a wonderful week.

13. Stress!

I apologize for the lack of posts over the last week or so.  Our office is moving before the end of the month and of course, I am coordinating everything :-).  The good news is that when you are working 12 hours a day you do not have time to think about gambling!  I am sure this post will have grammatical errors/typos since I will not be awake long enough to proof it before I post it so I apologize in advane!

In the past, stress and exhaustion were major triggers for me to go gambling.  It was my escape from reality and I loved every second of it while I was there.  I guess I had a feeling of entitlement.  It sounds stupid and selfish now that I can see things more clearly.  Honestly, I felt that because I had an extremely stressful job and made good money I deserved to go.  It was my way of taking time for me.  I justified it in my mind so easily.  There were so many excuses.  They ranged from "I do not spend any money on myself besides gambling" to "I work too hard to never take time for me," or "gambling keeps me from getting depressed - it makes me happy and is something I truly enjoy."  The important thing to note here is the overwhelming, excessive use of the word "I" in all of the logic above.  Everything revolved around me and at no time did I take into consideration my husband or children's feelings.  I felt that I always "found a way" to fix the money problems so I was not hurting anyone.  The reality was that I was not hurting them at that moment, but that was only because they did not know the extent to which I had ruined us financially.  I just kept obtaining loans to cover previous loans and ultimately spent more money on loan fees than I had at the casino.

Most of my losses actually occurred through the loans and not necessarily during my trips to the casino.  It was those nights where I would spend the money I had planned on spending for the evening and then go into this other reality where it did not matter if I spent more money, went to the cash machine one more time, or did whatever else I could do to access money because I would simply win it back and put it back in the bank.  Many times that did work, but when it did not work, I would go into panic mode and most times when I walked out of the casino I had no idea how much money I truly spent that evening.  Then, after I checked the bank account when I got home and tried to calculate in all of the "POS" debits I had taken after I hit my max daily withdrawal limit, or tried to figure out exactly how much money I received by writing checks, I would calculate how I was going to get a payday loan and get it in the bank before anyone found out.  After that, I would spend every day up to my next payday trying to figure out how I was going to make the minimum payment plus fees, which usually resulted in obtaining another smaller loan so money I paid on the first loan would not be missed.  (You can see where this is going - need I say that this was a very bad plan that did not work out so well!)

Living in a constant state of unhappiness and putting oneself through that amount of stress is insane.  I truly believe with every ounce of my soul that gambling truly leads to prison, insanity, or death.  This can take six months or twenty years, but no matter how long it takes, the end result is the same.  That is no way to live and how I could (and still do) use the word "fun" when I talk about the casino I do not know.  So, I can testify to the "insanity" part!

In many ways the statements I made above about my reasons for gambling are somewhat true, but not in the way you would think.  After evaluating those thoughts, I gained insight to how much control gambling had on my life.

1.  "I do not spend any money on myself besides gambling."  Yes, I did not spend money on myself - that is because I did not want to spend a single dollar of my "casino" money (which was essentially every dollar I had).

2.  "I work too hard to never take time for me."  This is true, I work very hard under extreme levels of stress in a difficult environment.  The reality is that I could have looked for a new job if I had not destroyed our financial situation as much as I had.  Essentially I backed myself into a corner and there was no way out.  I had to face up to this fact and deal with the fact that  I had to make it work until our finances get back under control.

3.  "Gambling keeps me from getting depressed - it makes me happy and is something I truly enjoy."  Now if that isn't an oxymoron I do not know what is.  My reasoning behind that thought process at the time was that I had tons of energy when I am gambling, I was not sitting around at home depressed.  It is true that I was happy at times while gambling.  The key word is "at times."  I was so convinced that I loved to gamble.  Most of the time that was true.  As things became progressively worse, my gambling started triggering my depression, it caused severe anxiety, lack of sleep, and financial devastation.  When I would try to reduce the number of trips I took to the casino, I would just spend more money when I did go.  If I stopped gambling, I would get deeply depressed because I had to face reality and could not hide from it.  My mind would go a million miles an hour - usually trying to figure out how to replace the money I had taken out of the account.  So, what may have started out as a great outlet turned out to be much worse than the original problems.

What really bothers me the most is that I probably gambled for at least eight years with no problems whatsoever.  I would walk in with $40, play till it was gone and walk out.  That was it.  The funny thing is I probably won around $11,000 the first year I gambled (that is after anything I lost was subtracted out).  The most I ever went to the casino was possibly five times a month.  I had great luck, had everything under control - I never had to control the "compulsive" side of my personality at that time, it was strictly entertainment and nothing more.  The next several years it was still a hobby, I would always come out ahead over the period of a year and I never used "bill" money to gamble.  Things continued on for several more years and this is probably where I slowly started to lose control.  I remarried, made more money at my job, and was no longer supporting three children on my own.  Essentially I had a greatly enhanced gambling budget.  Even though I had bumped up over time to spending around $200 in a night, it had no impact on our finances and was considered "fun" money.  At this time my husband would go with me and we had a lot of fun.  I was still fun to be around, did not turn into a crazy person, and could still enjoy conversation and spending time with my hubby.  The amount of money and time I spent at the casinos slowly increased over time and before I knew it I was thinking about it all of the time and it was starting to play way too big of a part in my life.

Inevitably, I would have hit rock bottom had I stayed on my slow steady path to destruction, but I think it could have taken another ten years to hit that point.  Rock bottom came much more quickly for me because they put in a casino less than 20 minutes from my house.  Previously I had to drive over an hour each way to go to the casino so it was always a planned outing, I could never "sneak" away and go gamble.  Talk about being excited!  A casino so close.  I was convinced that it would be great because I could just "run" in with $20 bucks and once that was gone I could just leave because I knew I could come back soon thereafter to play again.  It was a great idea, but not what happened.  Due to the easy access, I did go more often, ended up spending more, and let it become a disproportionate part of my life.  Also, I almost always lost at the new casino.  The previous casinos I would always win often enough to cover anything I may have lost and it would always even out.  This new casino was "evil."  The payouts were few and far between and when I did win it would be about a fourth of what I would win at the other casinos.  This is where it got ugly.  Since I was no longer winning back my losses I started spending more and betting higher with the hopes of winning a larger jackpot that I could use to pay off bills and to replace much of the money I had wasted away.  Problem is I went from winning a jackpot at least every month or two to never winning a single one.  Don't get me wrong, I did win here and there, but it was never enough to just "walk out."  By then, I had already lost so much money I figured I was destined to start winning.

Again, talk about insanity!  As my husband would say - put the shovel down and quit digging!

When thoughts of the casino cross my mind, I initially feel that rush and excitement that I always did.  The difference now is that I do not linger on those thoughts.  I immediately focus on the countless nights I walked out of the casino - penniless, disgusted with my self, stressed out, usually insanely late, and just plain miserable.  No longer do I hold onto that picture I had in my mind that drew me to the casino.  The picture that included the excitement, the lights, the sounds when someone hit a jackpot, etc.  It sounds so simple but I really feel that actively changing this picture in my mind and realizing the deception that occurred each time I danced with thoughts of the casino has drastically contributed to reducing the urges quickly and pretty painlessly.

PROGRESS

So, it has been over 120 days since I went to my first GA meeting.  There is no way I could have ever known how drastically different my life would be after I quite gambling.  I am still amazed by all of the emotional changes that have occurred already.  Things that I thought would take years are changing in just weeks and months.  My relationships with my kids are so much better.  I am actually emotionally involved again in their lives.  I was always present physically, but many times a million miles away mentally and emotionally.

When I decided to stop gambling, I strictly thought it was a financial problem.  I did have serious concerns about my health due to the substantial amount of stress I put myself through on a daily basis.  One of my main reasons for stopping gambling was that I was worried I would have a heart attack from stress before I turned 40.  I was aging myself so quickly and not taking care of myself.

Now, work is going better due to changes in me such as improved focus, less "sick" days, empathy for others, etc.  Where before I was always burning the candle at both ends with the end result always being lack of sleep, I am not able to pace myself and my health is getting better too.  It is by no means perfect nor is life, but I am mentally stronger to deal with life's challenges and am no longer creating my own problems.

CLOSING

I am happy to be back blogging.  Of course I am absolutely exhausted due to the office move, and I am up way past my bedtime, I needed this time to take inventory of my emotions, stress level, and overall mental well-being.  So many days it is easy to get caught up in life and just go through the motions, following the same patterns, and falling into a rut.  This blog is my outlet.  It keeps me grounded and helps me remember how much pain gambling caused me.  When the day comes that I get that urge to gamble and it does not pass as quickly as the other urges have, I plan on reading my posts so I can mentally go back to where I was when I hit rock bottom and keep on reading until the urge is gone.  If that does not stop me, I truly am INSANE!

Well, I have to be up for work in five hours so I have to run.  After the end of the month I will definitely post more often, but will do my best between now and then.  Thanks for reading this.

13. Challenging day today

Today was one of those days where you knew straight from the beginning of the day that everything would be a challenge.  I won't bore you with the details, but let me tell you, at some point I just had to laugh because it would be pretty hard for anything else to go wrong!  Nothing important, all trivial little things that added up to utter exhaustion at the end of the day!

In the past, days like today would have sent me straight to the casino to escape.  Instead, I came straight home and got on the computer to play my favorite Facebook games.  In some ways, part of my addiction transferred over to escaping on the computer.  I am aware of this fact, but there are times where I just don't want to log off because I end up thinking about the workday or spending my evening cleaning around the house.

So, I need to start doing different things again to relax.  If I vary my activities I maintain a healthier balance in my life and tend to be happier and less agitated.  The increased time spent playing on the computer all of the time started to pickup after I had my knee surgery at the end of December.  I think it continued once my knee started getting better, but I started getting sick.  It was only that run down achy and tired feeling, but enough to keep me down.  Then my husband got extremely sick for about four days.  He has started feeling better over the last five days, but sleeping a lot after work and going to bed early which is understandable.  It is strange how lonely I feel when I do not have that companionship with my husband when I get home.  I miss it.  This evening I told him that I cannot wait till we both feel better so we can start playing pool again.  That is one of my favorite ways to wind down after work.

It is funny (sort of) how easy it is to simply trade one addiction for another.  The new addiction may not be as damaging or obvious, but the reality is that anything that consumes the majority of your time and energy on a regular basis; something that isolates you from others, can also be bad for you.

Moving forward starting today, I am going to refocus on balancing my life again.  I know it is nothing major to worry about at the moment, but it could be if it starts to become a constant habit.

My ideas for change include a combination of exercising (minimally at first with my knee); playing pool with my husband; setting aside at least an hour each night to play and read with my daughter; posting to this blog and my poetry and writing blog (which I started, but have not posted on yet); and working on small projects around the house like accent painting a few walls, organizing the playroom, and rearranging furniture).

These activities got me through the first few months of my recovery and played a very big part in improving my overall well being.

I am looking forward to the winter being over.  This spring and summer will involve a lot of hiking, camping, maybe fly fishing again, swimming, and several other outdoor activities.  It is amazing how much better I feel when I am outside.  I think it is especially important when you work indoors for 9-12 hours a day and then spend three hours in the car commuting.

Most of my random daily posts have discussed the positive things that naturally come about when you quit gambling, but I have not written a lot about the days that are "average," "boring," "stressful," or "depressing."  Luckily, the positives have outweighed the negatives by far, but there are still up and down days.  Life itself does not get easier just because you quit gambling (though it certainly helps!).  Life is life, "it happens," and there are many things that we cannot change because they would require changing someone else.  The common saying that we can only change ourselves and not those around us is very true.  A big part of my growth through this recovery is when I remember that I cannot change those around me.  I can however change how I view the situation and either opt to focus solely on the negatives or work toward finding the positives.  It takes a lot less effort to be thankful and accept life as it comes, than it does to focus on the negatives and waste unnecessary effort trying to change things that we cannot.

Time to log off and get rest before a new day.  Keep sending your emails and comments!  I always try to respond the same day.  I wish you the best with your goal for the day!

12. Never give up! An amazing, deeply saddening, and inspiring day

It was great to go back to my GA meeting today.  I missed one week and it felt like so much longer.  Today I was brought right back to how I felt the day I attended my first meeting.  I felt horrible, worthless, desperate, and every other imaginable terrible feeling and it completely overwhelmed me.  Hearing the story of another member's pain and despair was difficult, but so vital in reminding me that I am always one bet away from gambling again.  I never want to feel that way again, ever.  Life has so many challenges and disappointments.  At times we hit those lows where we cannot see our way out.  Everything seems so hopeless.  We become tunnel visioned, lost in the moment and unable to see outside our circumstances.  It can be so disabling and discouraging when you hit that level of disgust and despair.  Hearing from someone else who was at that point of utter hopelessness, reiterated the true reality of gambling.  It will ultimately lead you into insanity, prison or death.

Today I shared something that was difficult for me but I prayed with every ounce of my being that it would help another lost soul.  Almost a year ago to the day I had gone through a three-month gambling binge that spiraled my life completely out of control.  I was trapped, felt like I was suffocating and buried, financially destitute, and had lost all self esteem.  I felt that I had failed my family.  I hated myself, I could see no way out, and wanted to just leave it all behind.  I felt my family and everyone around me would be better off without me.  I was worthless, selfish, stupid, scared, disgusted, panicked, and empty.  There was nothing left to give and I could no longer take care of even myself.  At that point I knew I wanted it to all end, but also knew that I could never leave my children and husband without hurting them.  I knew that if I committed suicide it would be an easy out for me, but leave a lifetime of hurt and horrible pain for my family.

I did not feel safe in my own skin, nor did I trust myself not to do something "final" or stupid.  It was at that moment that I drove to the nearest hospital.  I told them that I did not want to end my life, but felt like I was going insane, I could no longer cope with reality, and I needed help.  The staff were wonderful, did not look down upon me and were actually proud of me for seeking help.  Really, at that point I just did not care what anyone thought.  They transferred me to a nearby hospital that treated mental health disorders.  It was there that I could escape without making a permanent decision.  I was able to talk with counselors, which I always avoided in the past.  They were able to work with my bipolar illness and take the fast track to getting my emotions balanced again.  At the point that I checked in I had not slept more than three hours a night for over six months.  The stress from gambling coupled with daily life helped fuel my "manic" and "major depressive" disorders simultaneously.  I do not believe that it was the bipolar illness that led me there.  I believe it was the compulsive gambling illness that triggered a manic episode - a deadly combination.

I work in a vital management position with a tremendous amount of stress.  Amazingly, I worked with the HR manager and was able to "explain" my hospitalization as an adverse reaction to medication.  Not only did I have a job anxiously waiting for me to return, but they were only concerned about my well being.  In a place where expectations are always extremely high and even missing a sick day is greatly frowned upon, I was actually told "not" to come back until I was ready.  They wanted me to get better first.

The first three nights in the hospital I stayed awake almost all night and could not sleep, my mind was still going a hundred miles an hour.  They prescribed sleep medication and the first two they tried did not even remotely bring me down from the mania.  By the end of the third day they found something that worked.  The high doses of depression and anxiety medication helped me start thinking logically.  My gambling binge caused me to feel like I was going insane, on the verge of losing it, and giving up was the only way I could see an end to the pain.  Gambling made me insane, the damage, the financial desperation, the emotional despair, it made me mentally and physically sick.  As I worked through the sessions and met other people going through difficult times I was able to step back from my personal hell and finally see outside of myself.  I was able to see that there were people who loved and needed me desperately.

My husband and children came to visit me every day.  I thought they would see me as being weak, I was always the strong one.  The love that they expressed to me, not with words, but just looking into their faces was overwhelming.  I still felt that I did not deserve it, but I also knew that I could not leave my children and break their hearts.  Not be there for their graduations, weddings, children, and whatever other wonderful thing they had to look forward to.  If I were to leave I would leave a gaping hole in their hearts that would never heal and I would be remembered for being selfish and stupid.  I have a good heart, am smart, hard working, love my family, and try to treat others the way I would want to be treated.  If I had taken the easy way out, I would have thrown away every positive thing I had ever done in life and be remembered poorly.  I would never want to leave that way - no matter how bad things were.

So many people fight battles every day that are truly not their fault.  They face horrible illnesses, loss of loved ones, and challenges in life that do not come close to what I had faced.  If they could make it through and find hope on the other side, then I could do the same.  Even if I did not feel like I could do it right at that time.  I knew that someday I could and had to own up to the fact that I created my own reality and I had to work to make things right.

When I came back to work I was more focused, still stressed out, but I no longer felt like I was drowning.

I am telling you this because I know that many of us have felt that utter despair, it is what you choose to do at that moment, that lowest time in your life that matters.  Gambling can send us into that despair in an instant.  It can turn your world upside down over extended periods of time or many times in one sudden and final crash.

My GA family amazes me.  We share so many personal, humiliating, and inspiring stories, that can cause amazing healing to occur.  They are never judgmental and the love I felt in that room today was my personal equivalent to the day I took God into my life.  Knowing that others could love me, just the way I am is awe inspiring.  Feeling the depth of emotion and love in that room today only solidified in my mind the importance of that group to my recovery.  Never again do I want to feel that utter despair, but if I ever do, I will have my GA family and friends to support me and believe in me when no one else will.

I want to say thank you to all of you for your support, love, and encouragement.  Every member in that room and anyone who reads these pages is loved.  We are all connected through a very strong bond.  Whether we know each other or not.  We all have been down that road.  In some ways I am thankful for hitting rock bottom, because I found a human type of love that I did not really know existed.  I always went through life with a positive front and outgoing personality.  I never let anyone in past my invisible barriers.  If I never let anyone truly know my heart then I would never get hurt.  During our meetings we all share things on our hearts, things that we would most likely never share with even our closest friends.  If we are lucky enough to still have friends after our isolation and self absorption with gambling.

Personally, I isolated myself in the casino, hid from reality, and lived numb to emotion.  That resulted in the loss of any of the few friends I did have.  Luckily, I have an amazing husband who must be crazy, insane, or something since he still loves me 100%.  I was missing that human interaction.  That void is now filled with my GA family, I consider them my friends, I pray for them during the week, and think of them often.  I value those relationships more than I could ever explain.

My prayers and thoughts will be with those still dealing with the horrors that this illness can bring about and am available by email at recoveryandhope@gmail.com if you ever need or want to talk.

I am thankful, thankful that I am starting 2011 with a new life, drastically improved relationships with my children and husband, and am learning what it is like to have hope again.  If I had taken a different path a year ago, decided upon a permanent solution verses a short-term escape, I would not have had the chance to see my youngest daughter turn three, the next daughter turn 14, the oldest daughter turn 16, and my son graduate high school.  I am grateful for every day I have on this earth and am working toward being a better person along the way.  When I look at my children I cannot picture the pain I would have caused them.

Through my recovery I see all of the wrongs and selfish choices I made along the way, but the best way I can start toward redeeming myself and the negative impact I had on their lives is to be here for them today.

Gambling is an illness, a terrible stealth addiction that can attack anyone, no matter what there education is, how much wealth or lack of wealth they have, no matter what race, gender, age, or any other differentiator.  I equate it to the devil.  It is evil.

Recovery is helping me remove that evil from my life.  I will not let it win, I am better than that.  We all deserve to be happy.  We are not bad people.  We are good people, with good hearts, who have a terrible illness - addiction.  It is not something we chose.  It happened, and now it is our responsibility to acknowledge it and move forward.

Thank you all for your support, love, hope, and guidance.  I could never do this without you and my higher power.

To those suffering, you are in my thoughts and prayers, no matter where you may be.