Wow, it is April already and it has been awhile since I have posted anything new. Between work and life I am exhausted! Sometimes it feels like it takes everything I have just to make it through the work week. I guess that is called life! It is exhausting. Anyhow, my recovery is going great. Every day is easier and now I hardly ever think about gambling. My GA meetings are still a very important part to my recovery. It is during those meetings that I remember where I was seven months ago. How absolutely insane and terrifying my life was. It is important to remember so I never gamble again. I know that if I went to the casino even one time, I would ultimately end up where I was seven months ago, if not in a worse situation. It is easy to abstain from gambling when you face the reality that ultimately you will lose everything. For me, that knowledge takes away any urge to gamble. I have no desire to ever feel the way I did when I stopped gambling. It still makes me sick when I think about the damage I did during that horribly selfish, destructive time. I no longer focus on my gambling addiction because I no longer allow it to control me. With the constant encouragement from my husband and my GA family, I have everything I need to make it through this journey.
When I take the time to write a post for my blog, it is my therapy and is a very important part to my recovery. Many times in recovery you will be urged to write things down. Writing helps me download my brain, it is my opportunity to process the thoughts and emotions that I ignore or am completely unaware of on a regular basis. So often I feel like I am in survival mode, just going through the motions, and always racing against the clock to get everything done. When I take the time to write down my thoughts, it allows me to process and deal with things on my terms.
My main triggers to go to the casino were work, stress, anxiety, and exhaustion. In my job, I deal with pretty much all of those triggers every day! The time I spend talking things out in the GA meetings, learning from others, sharing my thoughts with my husband, and writing on this blog, is so incredibly important. I will definitely admit that I do not devote as much time as I should.
Many times I catch myself falling back into old habits and preferring to escape reality rather than deal with it. It is good to take a healthy break from reality once in a while. When I feel like escaping reality, an escape can be as simple as taking time to go for a walk, establishing and devoting time to an exercise routine, spending the day with friends, watching a movie, painting, listening to music, reading a book, turning the TV off, or my favorite - going for a day trip in the car. Healthy escapes do not have to cost money - the important part is to figure out what you like to do. This can be hard if you have lost a large span of your life to gambling. It is my experience that most compulsive gamblers gave up most if not all of their hobbies, lost interest in participating in life, closed out friends, and have large voids of time to fill once they quit gambling. When you decide to quit gambling, you do not have to deal with all of your problems at once. Most people who seek help - are facing reality square in the face, are completely overwhelmed, and finally realize they need help.
Initially, the important thing is to focus on yourself, obtain the tools to help you with your recovery, and find a support person/group - preferably people who understand gambling.
Once you are in the recovery process you can focus on becoming a better person. Primarily I am focusing on the things I can change instead of the things that I have no control over. My greatest challenge is to change how I react to and deal with people, particularly at work My problem is that I am like a sponge. I absorb the emotions of everyone around me, internalize how they are feeling, often worry that I made them mad, hurt their feelings, or agitated them. If someone is stressed out, I feel tense, if they are sad, I am worried that I did something wrong or feel depressed, if they are agitated, I get edgy. This constant emotional intensity is incredibly exhausting and causes additional unnecessary stress in my life. The thing I constantly try to work on is acknowledging and accepting the fact that I cannot change other people, only myself and how I deal with things.
The GA Serenity Prayer:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
It may sound like such a small, insignificant statement, but it is the most important thing that I have learned from recovery. Now, I am starting to accept other people's moods for what they are - their moods, not mine.
I am thankful for the fact that I finally acknowledged that gambling was controlling me. After making it this far in life with no other addictions, it was incredibly difficult to face the fact that I had lost control and allowed something to impact my life so negatively without even realizing it. It seems so stupid when I look back at things, how did I let it go so far? Anyhow, the past is the past and I cannot change it. I can only move forward, make good decisions, exercise self control, and improve my character. Through these changes I will regain the trust of my family and rebuild lost friendships.
Thank you for taking the time to read my posts, especially the long rambling ones! Feel free to email me anytime. I would love to hear from you!
Thanks.
