This blog is written for those of you searching online to see if there are others out there dealing with the same things you are. When I started researching gambling on the Internet, all I wanted to do was find other people's stories to read, to see if I was experiencing what they were, or to find out that I really didn't have a problem at all.They say the first blog to post is the most difficult. I have to agree. It is similar to walking into your first Gamblers Anonymous meeting. Part of you knows you need to be there. The other part of you fights with the thoughts of despair, humiliation, worry, stress, and damage to your pride when you realize you need help. There are so many things that I want to share with you. To let you know that I understand how incredibly difficult it is to even recognize you have a problem let alone get help.
It is my goal to be with you every step of the way.
When I first started to acknowledge the fact that gambling was controlling my life, it was an overwhelming realization. There was such a high when I was going to the casino, thinking about going to the casino, planning my life around the casino, missing work to go to the casino, and winning those jackpots! As many other gamblers have mentioned, I remember when I could walk into the casino with $40 and either walk out when I doubled my money, or play for hours on the little I brought in. As many others, I won most of the time in the beginning. I had amazing "luck" and "skill" when it came to reading a machine, could tell when it was going to pay, had systems in place for how I bet each time, and most of the time they worked.
Now, the reality part kicks in. My certain “skills” and “plans” for paying the bills, getting ahead, dealing with stress, having “fun,” etc., started to fail me. I became like the “others.” Those who would sit next to me at a machine and bet crazy amounts of money. I started sitting at the same machine for hours like "they" did and continued to dump money into it even though I was losing more than I won nearly every spin. Somehow I just "knew" the machine was ready to pay out "BIG" any minute.
The problem is that even if the machine did pay out well, the compulsive gambler in me would end up giving it all back while trying to win more money or I would leave with my big winnings and immediately come back as soon as possible to try and win more. I realize now that do not have special powers that allow me to read a machine, truly know my luck, or have the keen ability to raise my bet just before a jackpot! Okay, how could I have seriously thought I had "special skills" in that area? Many times they talk about the insanity of the disease (compulsive gambling), but until I sat back and looked at all of the areas in my life that were impacted by my gambling, I now realize and am starting to understand the mental insanity I lived in every day.
The problem is that even if the machine did pay out well, the compulsive gambler in me would end up giving it all back while trying to win more money or I would leave with my big winnings and immediately come back as soon as possible to try and win more. I realize now that do not have special powers that allow me to read a machine, truly know my luck, or have the keen ability to raise my bet just before a jackpot! Okay, how could I have seriously thought I had "special skills" in that area? Many times they talk about the insanity of the disease (compulsive gambling), but until I sat back and looked at all of the areas in my life that were impacted by my gambling, I now realize and am starting to understand the mental insanity I lived in every day.
The structure for this blog starts with a brief overview of the key points to be initially addressed. Once the key points are sufficiently met, the posts will move on to a more journal-type format that discusses the destructive path I followed while gambling. And I will share other's stories with their permission.
Brief overview of the following:
- Recognizing I was a compulsive gambler
- Why I am writing this blog
- Who I intend to reach with this blog
- The long-term goals for this blog.
It took a period of three – five years of gambling for me to hit the point where I truly had a gambling problem. There is so much I have to tell from the beginning until my birthday with GA. It amazes me how totally engulfed, powerless, and selfish I was during this time of gambling. I could not find the willpower to just NOT go to the casino. I swear the car would drive me there before I even realized how I got there. As many others, I previously tried to stop on my own, told myself I could stop on my own when I wanted to, or that I never needed to completely stop, just cut back and get it under control. I will continue onto the reasons for why it is so difficult for a gambler to stop in one of my upcoming posts.
I hope that once my blog is up and running and we have feedback from others facing the same challenges, we can support one another. Just as GA meetings support us in a structured environment, I think having the flexibility to logon and read about other’s challenges, including good days, setbacks, progress, and growth would be inspiring and provide a wonderful additional support group.
If there are topics that you would like to cover, please feel free to send me a comment or email and I will get back to you as soon as possible. Writing this blog is a huge part of my therapy and I am thankful that you took the time to read what I had to say. I look forward to having you come back soon!
Thank you.
