After being sick for two weeks and finally feeling better, I figure it is a good time to check in! Things are still going well. I am surprised by that fact in many aspects. After being in recovery for six months, I realize that life is still full of surprises and stress can be handled in many different ways.
When I gambled, I avoided dealing with emotions, tried to avoid dealing with stressful situations, and essentially checked out of life. In turn, the stresses in my life multiplied because I was no longer focusing on what was important. Instead of paying bills, I would try to free up money to gamble with. I constantly felt that the next big win was around the corner, that it would solve all of my problems. The problem with that theory is that money is only one part of the equation (life). When you check out and emotionally remove yourself from the present by engulfing yourself in your addiction, you miss the good things in life. I missed time with my family and friends. I allowed the bills to spiral out of control and almost lost everything. The sad thing is, when I was gambling, I did not see what I was missing. It was like tunnel vision. All I thought about was going to the casino, getting money to go to the casino, or figuring out how to pay the bills. If I was not gambling, I was calculating - most times subconsciously - how I would get away to go to the casino again. When I was gambling, I did not think clearly or really think at all. I lost all control. My family's well being, our financial future, and my personal health were put aside. I expended so much time and energy on gambling. Looking back at things, I still am completely blown away by the fact that gambling took over my life. It all seems so incredibly ridiculous. I cannot believe how stupid, irresponsible, immature, and selfish I was.
When I think about the addiction and what it did to my life, what I did, it still makes me sick. It is difficult to keep my head up and push forward when I drown myself in thoughts of my horrible behavior. There are four key factors that helped me stop gambling:
1. The support of my husband and family. This was and is incredibly important. He does not bring up the money I lost. The way he looks at it is this: what's done is done, the money is gone and we cannot get it back, the only thing we can do is move from this point forward by working to ensure it does not happen again. This outlook - the fact that he does not continue to make me feel worse than I already feel (which is not possible) is critical to my recovery. If I was constantly reminded of how much I screwed up, I would continue to have low self esteem, beat myself up mentally, and eventually give up and return to the casino. If I had to relive my mistakes over and over and over (worse than I already do), I would just give up and say why bother. If I was treated like I was still gambling, why not still gamble? It would not be his fault that I was gambling, but it would drive me straight back to the casino.
2. My higher power. Once I finally - the key word is "finally" decided to stop gambling, I was able to talk to God and hand the control gambling had over me to God. Knowing that I had something greater than me to help me, to turn to, and most importantly forgive me, made each day easier. When things are tough, I talk to God, when things are good, I talk to God. I thank God for removing this terrible defect from my personality and life. I continue to pray that he will be here to help me if the compulsion to gamble comes back. I strongly believe that he is helping me with the urges, with recovery, and by bringing the correct people into my life. I always tell people when it comes to believing in a higher power this: what do you have to lose by believing?
3. Gamblers Anonymous. My husband looked online and located a GA meeting near our home that took place on Saturdays. He offered to go with me to my first meeting, that was the moment that I admitted to myself that I had a problem. If he was willing to go to a meeting for a problem that was not his own, then I should certainly be able to go to the meeting for us. What I found is that everyone was so welcoming; they completely understood exactly where I was at that moment.
There is no way for someone without a gambling problem to even come close to understanding what drives the addiction to gambling. How could they understand? When you look at gambling from the outside, it is truly insane! The reality is that the gambler can more often than not see the insanity as well. They just cannot see their way out of the situation or are not willing to admit that there is a problem or seek help. Why would someone go somewhere, spend all of their money and time, and more often than not, leave with nothing. How could they throw away everything good in their life to sit within the four walls of a casino, without any windows, seldom talking to anyone, and somehow think they were having fun?
The thing about GA is that it is a group of people who do understand the addiction, who know the thrill and excitement that occurs when you think about gambling, the adrenaline rush, the challenge, the power, and the control. They also understand the utter devastation, physical illness, emptiness, low or no self esteem, desperation, insanity, and every other aspect of the illness. The GA program provides you with the tools and support necessary to beat the addiction. There is something incredibly unique about GA that differentiates the program from many other addiction recovery programs. The people in the meetings are there because they want to be there. They made the personal choice to change their lives. They are not there because of a court order or other legal problem, etc. There is an instant bond between GA members. When you walk through the door for the first time and hear what other gamblers have to say, it is an eye opening, incredible experience. It is as if they know every aspect of your life (the secondary, often hidden, gambling life). The only thing required to become a GA member is the willingness to stop gambling. The other thing that surprised me is that more than half of the members in my “home” group have abstained from gambling for at least a year and many for much longer. This shows that the program works if you want it to.
I am not the type of person who likes to sit around a table and share my problems with strangers. I have gone to counseling in the past and it did help with some of my problems, but I never mentioned anything about gambling. Needless to say, it is vital to deal with the gambling addiction to make progress! One thing I found while I was researching "gambling problems" on the internet was that there are state funded counseling centers that have counselors who know how to treat compulsive gamblers. They also know how to treat drug and alcohol problems so this can be helpful if you are fighting two addictions at once. Additionally, they are qualified to handle mental health disorders, which also tend to go hand in hand with gambling addictions.
Lastly, Gam-Anon is an amazing support group for those who are impacted by someone with a gambling problem. My husband attends a Gam-Anon meeting while I attend my GA meeting. At first he went to Gam-Anon for me, he quickly realized that the meetings were far more important for him.
Gam-Anon offers: a safe and understanding environment to ask questions; ways to try and understand the illness or at least hear other members stories and experiences; and most importantly provides tools and guidance for members to protect and take care of their needs. Now we are working in tandem toward recovery. The great thing about both of us attending meetings at the same time is that during the drive home from the meetings we openly discuss how our meetings went, what we learned, and it provides a very healthy, open forum to discuss any issues related to gambling. Once we get home, it is not brought up again until the next meeting.
If you have questions about compulsive gambling or how to support a compulsive gambler, please feel free to leave a comment or send an email to recoveryandhope@gmail.com. Everything is anonymous and I would love to write a post in response to your question(s). Thank you for reading this.
