It has been a while since I last posted. I guess I have been caught up in life! Work is busy as always, more realistically it has been much busier. Anyhow, my recovery is going very well. I have been faced with many unique challenges the last month and in many ways those challenges have made me stronger. A few weeks ago we brought two additional family members into our home. Everything is going great and they are a wonderful addition to our home. The one thing that I have been faced with is the fact that both of them gambled all of the time when they lived in Reno. They moved up here to get a fresh start on life and away from the many damaging things they were doing in their lives. I have been so impressed with how they left everything they owned, hopped in their car, and drove here to start over. I have so much respect for the difficult choices they made. The main thing they left was a life of using drugs. They have been clean for nearly two months and are doing very well. Both of them had jobs within a week of moving here.
I was worried when I found out that both of them gambled regularly when they lived in Reno. At first I was worried that these discussions could potentially set off an urge in me to gamble. Surprisingly, it only reinforced my resolve to never gamble again. It is strange to hear another person discuss their gambling experiences, including the excitement, adrenaline rush, their luck at winning, and finally the fact that no matter how much they won, they either gave it all back and usually more the same day or returned and lost it all plus more. It was like I was listening to a recording of myself when I used to discuss gambling.
The most important reason that I gambled, though I may not have recognized it at the time, was to escape reality. Ultimately it led to me emotionally checking out of life. This included the good and the bad. I used gambling to escape work stress, financial problems, disappointments, and many other challenges that we all face. The escape was wonderful in the beginning and it took several years before it became a negative factor in my life. Once I was no longer in control of my gambling, the path to destruction occurred very quickly. I just kept thinking I was simply having a stretch of bad luck that was lasting longer than usual, but that I would still bounce back and start winning like I "always" did. The problem is that it is difficult to recognize when recreational gambling turns into a problem. For me, I still am unable to pinpoint the exact moment that gambling went from recreational to an addiction. As with many other addictions, it simply takes the right personality traits (many gamblers have obsessive/compulsive tendencies) and the right set of circumstances. Once I hit that turning point, the path to destruction took place so quickly that I was completely blindsided. I still am able to see the good and bad sides of gambling. This allows me to communicate with other gamblers experiencing similar problems and to understand what it feels like when gambling transitions from fun to a problem. There is a discuss the reality of gambling once you cross over the line where it is no longer fun, even though compulsive gamblers convince themselves that it is. Those close to me were able to see the problem building long before I ever could. For me, it took hitting rock bottom and nearly losing everything in my life before I could accept and admit I had a problem that I could not control on my own.
It is so healing to share the tools that I am learning through attending GA meetings and literature for problem gambling. The horrible experiences that I put myself through allow me to understand how a gambler thinks and to truly know what they are feeling. It also provides me with a deeper understanding of the addiction as a whole. This addiction is evil. It subtly lures you in and then takes full control of your thinking and ultimately your life.
Hopefully I will be able to use my experiences to help others now and in the future.
I am still incredibly thankful for my family, GA, and most importantly my higher power (God) for supporting me and making the recovery process so much easier than it could have been.
