It was pretty busy over the holidays so I did not have much time to add to my blog. I had minor knee surgery yesterday so I worked from home today and will do the same tomorrow. Talk about perfect timing with the snow we got this morning!
Things are still going very well. I cannot believe that we actually had money left over after Christmas! During all of my gambling years we never had money. We pay cash for everything so you can really notice the difference. Christmas was wonderful. I was able to truly enjoy the time with my family. In the past I always rushed through everything so we could go to the casino. What a difference when you actually sit back and relax!
My health is also getting better since I am not constantly sick to my stomach from stress due to money issues. I truly believe that I am on the right path to recovery and am thankful for all of the support I have received.
Heading into the new year, I am looking forward to life continuing to get better. We are actually having a New Year's Eve party on Friday night and spending time with friends. Again, I would have been at the casino last year. I am actually really excited! When I first stopped gambling, nothing seemed exciting. Everything seemed so boring compared to the excitement of the casino. Now that some time has passed, I am starting to look forward to doing the things I used to do. I no longer have to get excited about something and then stress out over it for weeks or months after!
I just received a notification on facebook that my 20-year reunion is in August! Uggghhh. Time to seriously go on a diet and get in shape! That will be a very big motivating factor since I have not attended the previous reunions. :-)
The kids are doing well. It has been great spending time with them. My 16-year old and I are spending much more time together and I love it! Previously we constantly argued and our relationship was very challenging. I know a lot of it is because I am changing through recovery. Finally I am interested in others again, no longer just focused on myself.
Had my year-end performance review at work on Monday. It actually went really well! Life at work is much better too. What a difference it makes when you do not absolutely dread the idea of going to work! My boss has been wonderful and for that I am very grateful.
Well, I wish you all the best going into 2011. The road to recovery can be challenging, but it is definitely worth every ounce of discomfort! I will miss everyone at my GA meeting Saturday, but it will be nice to spend New Year's Eve with my teenagers and friends. For some reason I do not think I will be up at 7:30 am on Saturday!
Feel free to send me an email or leave a comment. My email address is recoveryandhope@gmail.com. I would love to hear from you. Even if you just want to chat!
9. Nearing the end of 2010
Today I was thinking about all of the things that happened this year. It is amazing how fast time goes by. The thought that keeps bothering me is that I really only remember the last three months. Prior to that I lived in my own personal (made up) reality. I spent my time within the four walls of a casino or when I was not gambling I was stressed out about the money I lost and the bills I had not paid. The truth is that I did not spend much time with my family. If I did, I may have been there physically, but most of it was really an act. My mind was always somewhere else. When I was gambling I also avoided dealing with my emotions. The casino was my escape. Over the last three months I have actually taken time for myself. I have dealt with many of the issues that were causing stress in my life. My life has improved ten fold. It amazes me that things have improved so quickly. The greatest thing that has happened is the improved relationships with my teenagers. I missed so much.
Now that we are moving on to 2011, I am honestly looking forward to the new year instead of dreading it. It is an awesome feeling. Financially we are doing so much better. This is truly the first Christmas that I did not worry about spending my "casino" money. How sad is that? I took so much away from my family. It still makes me ill. I do feel much better about myself now. It is empowering to know that I am dealing with this addiction. My self-esteem has improved as well. That feeling of worthlessness is going away faster than I ever thought it could.
Normally the holidays included going to the casino. I was always rushing through the time with family so we could go to the casino afterwards. This year, I am going to actually "spend" the time with my family and take in every moment of it. What an amazing gift that is.
As long as I keep moving forward, work on improving the person that I am, and continue to take things one day at a time I am positive that I stay away from gambling. The more time that passes by, the less I think about it. Thankfully, it is still not appealing. I remember hitting rock bottom and do not want to ever go back to that horrible place again.
Tomorrow morning I get to watch my children open presents! We celebrate the holiday on Christmas Eve. My daughter is so excited and I am really looking forward to watching her open her presents. The teenagers are also excited. She is 3 1/2 so she actually understands what presents are now.
All of my children will be together and my wonderful husband will be right by my side. This year I am most thankful for my husband. He still does not bring up my past mistakes. He is supportive and loving and for this I am so grateful. I am also incredibly thankful that I have God back in my life. His forgiveness is amazing. It brings a peace to my mind and heart that nothing else ever could.
I am looking forward to making it through 2011 without going to the casino. That is my new goal! I cannot even imagine where our family will be at this time next year. I have hope again!
On Saturday morning I get to see my GA family. I am looking forward to that too. I think of those who are doing this alone and pray for them. My thoughts are always with those who go through the holidays alone.
I hope all of you who are reading this have a wonderful holiday and wish you all the best in the new year. Things will be crazy till the end of the year, but I will try to continue adding to my blog as often as I can.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Now that we are moving on to 2011, I am honestly looking forward to the new year instead of dreading it. It is an awesome feeling. Financially we are doing so much better. This is truly the first Christmas that I did not worry about spending my "casino" money. How sad is that? I took so much away from my family. It still makes me ill. I do feel much better about myself now. It is empowering to know that I am dealing with this addiction. My self-esteem has improved as well. That feeling of worthlessness is going away faster than I ever thought it could.
Normally the holidays included going to the casino. I was always rushing through the time with family so we could go to the casino afterwards. This year, I am going to actually "spend" the time with my family and take in every moment of it. What an amazing gift that is.
As long as I keep moving forward, work on improving the person that I am, and continue to take things one day at a time I am positive that I stay away from gambling. The more time that passes by, the less I think about it. Thankfully, it is still not appealing. I remember hitting rock bottom and do not want to ever go back to that horrible place again.
Tomorrow morning I get to watch my children open presents! We celebrate the holiday on Christmas Eve. My daughter is so excited and I am really looking forward to watching her open her presents. The teenagers are also excited. She is 3 1/2 so she actually understands what presents are now.
All of my children will be together and my wonderful husband will be right by my side. This year I am most thankful for my husband. He still does not bring up my past mistakes. He is supportive and loving and for this I am so grateful. I am also incredibly thankful that I have God back in my life. His forgiveness is amazing. It brings a peace to my mind and heart that nothing else ever could.
I am looking forward to making it through 2011 without going to the casino. That is my new goal! I cannot even imagine where our family will be at this time next year. I have hope again!
On Saturday morning I get to see my GA family. I am looking forward to that too. I think of those who are doing this alone and pray for them. My thoughts are always with those who go through the holidays alone.
I hope all of you who are reading this have a wonderful holiday and wish you all the best in the new year. Things will be crazy till the end of the year, but I will try to continue adding to my blog as often as I can.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
8. 90-Day Mark
Tomorrow is my 90-day mark since I started GA. It is an exciting step toward my recovery though I understand that it will likely get more difficult as time goes on. I am dealing with a lot of anxiety over this. It is intimidating to look ahead and know that there is so much work to do toward my recovery. When I first started GA I thought, well, I'll probably go for a year, maybe a little less. Then, I will have the tools to beat this addiction. It wasn't until I started the meetings that I realized it's not about the money. The reality is it is about dealing with my character flaws. I need to find new ways to manage stress and disappointments, rebuild my relationship with God, focus outside myself, and so many other things. When I was gambling, I phased God out of my life. As a Christian, it was always important to me to not be a hypocrite, so I essentially ignored God and tried to do everything on my own. The reality was that I should have turned to him to much earlier and asked for help. Hindsight is truly 20/20.
I am thankful that the first 90-days have passed by quickly and to be honest, painlessly after the first five weeks or so. It is completely different than when I tried to stop on my own. The withdrawals and mood swings, depression, and other side effects I experienced during those times were terrible. This is different because I made the choice in my mind that I was done. Then, I sought out a support group that keeps me focused each week. I read the one-day-at a time book and work on my blog. All of these tools are helping me and I do not feel like I am doing it alone. I cannot believe the difference between doing it alone and seeking help. I am one of those people who keeps my personal stuff personal. I may have many friends, but very few really see the true me. The reality it, my husband is my best friend and outside of that, I may share bits and pieces of my life, but never truly open up. This blog has definitely been a learning experience. I have stopped reading and rereading everything I write. Otherwise, I want to cut things out! I do not think I have ever felt so welcome and accepted as I do with my Saturday group - for that, I am very thankful.
Tomorrow is our meeting and mini-Christmas party! I am very excited about that. My husband and I really look forward to our meetings. He goes to the Gam Anon meeting that takes place at the same time. He started out going as a support for me, but then realized that it is a support group for him. After the meetings it provides an opportunity for us to discuss what we learned during out meetings. We never share names, just thoughts and stories. It created an outlet for both of us to discuss our thoughts and then once we get home, we do not discuss it any further. I like the fact that my whole life is not focused around fighting this addiction. In many ways, I feel that I am very lucky that I sought help as early in my gambling years as I did. Also, having four kids, I was unable to go to the casino more than once or twice a week at the most. Sometimes it was twice a month. Don't worry though, I made up for it the limited times I could go, not in a good way of course. The benefit to that is that I probably do not get the cravings as often and they are far enough apart that they do not build up or cause me to be edgy and mad. My husband is grateful for that!
The one thing I do know is that I am no different than any other compulsive gambler. Just one bet, no matter how small, would start me right back down the path to destruction.
My outlook on recovery is this:
The Climb
I am thankful that the first 90-days have passed by quickly and to be honest, painlessly after the first five weeks or so. It is completely different than when I tried to stop on my own. The withdrawals and mood swings, depression, and other side effects I experienced during those times were terrible. This is different because I made the choice in my mind that I was done. Then, I sought out a support group that keeps me focused each week. I read the one-day-at a time book and work on my blog. All of these tools are helping me and I do not feel like I am doing it alone. I cannot believe the difference between doing it alone and seeking help. I am one of those people who keeps my personal stuff personal. I may have many friends, but very few really see the true me. The reality it, my husband is my best friend and outside of that, I may share bits and pieces of my life, but never truly open up. This blog has definitely been a learning experience. I have stopped reading and rereading everything I write. Otherwise, I want to cut things out! I do not think I have ever felt so welcome and accepted as I do with my Saturday group - for that, I am very thankful.
Tomorrow is our meeting and mini-Christmas party! I am very excited about that. My husband and I really look forward to our meetings. He goes to the Gam Anon meeting that takes place at the same time. He started out going as a support for me, but then realized that it is a support group for him. After the meetings it provides an opportunity for us to discuss what we learned during out meetings. We never share names, just thoughts and stories. It created an outlet for both of us to discuss our thoughts and then once we get home, we do not discuss it any further. I like the fact that my whole life is not focused around fighting this addiction. In many ways, I feel that I am very lucky that I sought help as early in my gambling years as I did. Also, having four kids, I was unable to go to the casino more than once or twice a week at the most. Sometimes it was twice a month. Don't worry though, I made up for it the limited times I could go, not in a good way of course. The benefit to that is that I probably do not get the cravings as often and they are far enough apart that they do not build up or cause me to be edgy and mad. My husband is grateful for that!
The one thing I do know is that I am no different than any other compulsive gambler. Just one bet, no matter how small, would start me right back down the path to destruction.
My outlook on recovery is this:
The Climb
We are walking on a trail that leads up to the top of a mountain. There is an amazing view far beyond your imagination. It brings an overwhelming feeling of peace and awe when you look across all of the peaks and valleys that you traveled. That calm and peace is waiting for us.
Along the way, we walk near very steep ledges and cliffs. If we are not paying attention, we may fall. This could be a minor fall where you can get back up and keep walking or it could be a major "fall" where you start over at the bottom; that is if you can survive.
The trail winds up the mountain so there are many switchbacks. The switchbacks are the easier parts where you can rest and breathe for a short while. This is where you can marvel at how far you have come and plan for where you are going. Then, it is back to climbing up the steeper parts of the mountain again.
Take a moment to picture how it will feel to reach the top, that calming peacefulness and wonderful feeling of accomplishment. The amazing view, one that you have never seen before, will be breathtaking. At that moment, when you are in that place, you will realize how far you have come and find that the journey to recovery brought about life altering changes, renewed strength, and peace to your soul .This to me is recovery.
7. Rock Bottom - the start to my recovery
When I first started to consider the idea that I had a gambling problem was when I no longer used our available funds, but banked on the fact that I would win more than I gambled. My "way out" was getting payday loans. (Thankfully I did not have credit cards since I already had poor credit from raising three kids on my own for nine years.) This spiraled very quickly out of control. I was obtaining one loan to pay another and so on. Eventually I had to close my checking account to stop the immediate withdrawals out of each paycheck because I could no longer cover all of my debts. My family was unaware of how out of control my gambling was because my husband and I had separate accounts. When I closed my account I knew I would be held accountable for my spending since I would be on my husband's account.
Once I switched to my husband's account I was able to stop gambling for a couple of months because the disgust and stress of what I had done was still fresh in my mind. I went through terrible withdrawal symptoms. I was depressed, dealing with severe anxiety, miserable at work, and agitated at home. When I decided to stop gambling it was not a choice that I was making for a lifetime, it was a choice that was only going to be temporary. In no way was I ready to give up gambling "forever." In my mind that was like having the world and all happiness and "fun" end.
After approximately three months I started going back to the casino. Of course, I was sure that all I had to do was monitor and control my spending and it would not cause the problems that it had in the past. That theory worked for a month or so and then everything was a blur, the compulsive, obsessive gambler in me took over. No longer was I in control of my impulses. If the thought of going to the casino crossed my mind I was already planning my alibi and how I would get away without anyone knowing before I even realized it. Most of the time I was in my car heading there even though I knew that was the last place I should be driving. I think it is incredibly hard if not impossible to explain the power that the casino and gambling can have over your logical thinking. The best way I can describe it is to compare it to a drug addiction. Many former drug addicts will disagree with this comparison. For me, the excitement of walking through those casino doors brought on a greater high than anything I had ever experienced.
As the gambling continued I took the fast track to destroying my life. I was distant from my husband due to the lies and secrets. Internally I was sick to my stomach all of the time. My brain was always running overtime trying to figure out ways to "fix" my financial problems. This impacted my work productivity, sapped all of my energy when I came home from work, and caused severe anxiety. It took everything I had to get up and go to work.
This time I obtained payday loans using my husband's information. This went on for about four months. He was unaware of the loans because our internet was not working at the house and of course I was in no hurry to get it fixed. I kept going back to the casino (obviously insane and blinded by my addiction). The solution or so I thought, was to hit a big jackpot and pay everything off. That never happened.
One day my husband called the internet company and they fixed the internet problem. That was a very bad day. He reviewed the last four months of information on our checking account and stopped because it made him sick. He wrote down every withdrawal, every overdraft fee, and all of the payday loan fees incurred. When I came home from work he showed me the list. I knew it was bad, but when I reviewed the actual numbers, the countless nights of returning to the ATM as many times as it would let me, the checks I had written, and everything else, the amount was more than four times what I thought it was. He was furious with me. This is obviously understandable. What could I say? There would never be a way to explain what I had done. All of the shame, disgust, stress, guilt, and every other horrible feeling you can imagine hit me at once. This no longer was "my" problem; it was the family's problem. It always had been the family's problem, but I never really thought of it that way or thought at all for that matter. Since we had been through the financial devastation I had caused before (not nearly as bad, but still had to get real loans to get out of the hole), he was "done," done with having me destroy the family. I was done too and knew I needed to quit, but I didn't know how. How could I ever recoup the money I had lost? The only way I knew how was to win it at the casino. This is the point where I hit rock bottom, on the verge of losing my husband, my family, my mind, our home, the cars, everything. When I look back, it is so COMPLETELY INSANE! What was I thinking? How could I take so much from my family and not even think twice? Why couldn't I truly see all of the damage my addiction was causing? What was WRONG WITH ME? When I am gambling it controls me, I am a terrible person, and I don't ever want to be that person again. EVER! I keep the list with the horrible financial numbers in my car at all times. If I EVER consider gambling again, that list is there to remind me along with the yellow book from GA, my counselor's card, and my GA key chains.
This is when I finally sought help and truly never wanted to go to the casino again. In my heart and mind I knew it would no longer be my outlet, entertainment, or whatever else I thought it was. My husband looked up local GA meetings and we found one that was held on Saturdays. He also looked up counselors that dealt with gambling addiction and mental health disorders. He found "Coastal Treatment Center." Having had counselors in the past, I knew this would be different. I never brought up my gambling with other counselors. This would be the first time I could deal with my addiction and mental health issues at the same time. They would know why I was there, what my weaknesses were, and help me find ways to start recovering from the horrible toll that gambling took on me.
I was sick to my stomach all week just thinking about going to a meeting. Having never had issues with drugs or alcohol, I had no idea of what to expect. My husband drove me to the meeting and went to the meeting with me. I cannot tell you how much respect and love I have for him. How could he still love me after everything I had done? I did not deserve someone who loved me like that, but I was sure going to do everything I could to earn back his trust and treat him the way he deserved to be treated.
When we walked in the room I was surprised. You would never know that a single one of them had a gambling problem. That is the trick about this addiction. We can fool everyone on the outside. There are no visible cues. Everyone in the room was very welcoming and understood EXACTLY where I was at. There was no pressure put on me to talk or share anything. At the end of the meeting I actually had hope. I finally found people that truly understood the power of this addiction and did not judge me. What an amazing gift. I will never forget the first day I walked in that room. When I get the urge to gamble, I remember that day. I remember the utter despair, hopelessness, loss of self worth, insanity, stress, loss, and so much more. It makes me ill when I think of it and the gambling urge goes away. I know that despair will not always be so fresh in my mind so I am going to Coastal for counseling so I am prepared for when the urges get worse and have the tools to manage those urges. My counselor is wonderful. I can truly tell her anything because she actually understands. She makes me feel better about myself. That means a lot to my recovery.
My husband has also been amazing. When he saw that I was getting help and that I truly realized I had a problem, he has been by my side every step of the way. NEVER has he brought up the money issue again. In some ways he knows me too well. He knows that if the money is constantly brought up it will drive me back to the casino to try and win it back. The reality is that he is right. His answer is that the "money is gone and it is not coming back." He is thankful knowing that we will not be losing more money though and that gives him hope. I know he will always have the fear in the back of his mind that I will slip up, but he has faith in me and that means more than anything. Especially since I do not deserve his faith and trust yet. The key word is yet. One day we will be able to look back on this as a huge hurdle that we overcame and grew stronger from. I set my sights on that day. It inspires me to get better, become a better person, and finally dream about a positive future that is set in reality.
6. Long day today
Today was a long day. The day started by finding out that the firm was laying off a coworker that I had become good friends with. She has the biggest heart and is wonderful to be around. I will miss working with her. I know that she will find another job soon due to her amazing people skills and extensive, very impressive experience. I only wish it did not have to happen right before Christmas.
The rest of the day was uneventful. It was just a typical busy day. The best part of the day was when I logged onto my blog account and saw the "stats" for page views. I was so excited to see that people from my GA meeting took the time to view my blog. My personal time is very important to me and I value what it means for someone else to give up their time.
Yesterday I sent my blog link to several GA members, that explains the increase in page views. It was scary to send an email to people I know with a link to my blog. It is easy to sit and write when you are writing to an "unknown" audience. The reality is that only a few people will find my blog through a web search. Also, the number of compulsive gamblers compared to other prominent addictions is substantially less. It took me quite a while before hitting the "send" button on my email to the GA members. I knew that once I hit send my personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences would be brought out in the open. It was another step towards acknowledging and owning up to my gambling problem. No matter how scary it is to share my personal feelings, it is necessary for me to be open and honest about this journey. If I sugarcoat everything and act like every day is going great, it will not be beneficial to anyone.
So, if you run across posts that contain a bunch of my rambling about the day, please understand that I am trying to bring as much perspective and detail to this journey as possible.
The rest of the day was uneventful. It was just a typical busy day. The best part of the day was when I logged onto my blog account and saw the "stats" for page views. I was so excited to see that people from my GA meeting took the time to view my blog. My personal time is very important to me and I value what it means for someone else to give up their time.
Yesterday I sent my blog link to several GA members, that explains the increase in page views. It was scary to send an email to people I know with a link to my blog. It is easy to sit and write when you are writing to an "unknown" audience. The reality is that only a few people will find my blog through a web search. Also, the number of compulsive gamblers compared to other prominent addictions is substantially less. It took me quite a while before hitting the "send" button on my email to the GA members. I knew that once I hit send my personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences would be brought out in the open. It was another step towards acknowledging and owning up to my gambling problem. No matter how scary it is to share my personal feelings, it is necessary for me to be open and honest about this journey. If I sugarcoat everything and act like every day is going great, it will not be beneficial to anyone.
So, if you run across posts that contain a bunch of my rambling about the day, please understand that I am trying to bring as much perspective and detail to this journey as possible.
5. 13 Days till Christmas
Saturday was a great day. I went to the GA meeting in the morning. It was great to see everyone. I look forward to it all week. When you look around the room and see all of the people who have made it over a year it is so inspiring. My 90 days is coming up on December 18. In many ways it has gone by quickly, which is very surprising to me. I still think about the casino, but when I do I think of my family and the people in the GA meeting. I want to be an inspiration to those around me and I want to prove to myself that I can control this addiction.
Ever since I made the choice to go to GA and acknowledged my gambling problem I have seen so many positive changes in my life. The thing that still amazes me is how my whole life was impacted by gambling, not just my financial situation. I am becoming a better person. As a mom, I am focusing so much more on my children. I enjoy every moment that we spend together. It makes me sad when I think about all of the time I missed with them. I may have physically been present, but mentally I was a million miles away. Either I was wishing I was at the casino or I was devastatingly depressed and sick from the financial stress that gambling caused in my life.
There were many times that I felt like I was going to have a heart attach or stroke. The amount of emotional distress was overwhelming. I was truly on the verge of going insane. Since I am bipolar there are many times that it is a battle just to get through the day. The majority of my illness causes me to be depressed. During those times I shut out the world and avoid reality. This is my coping mechanism so I do not fall into deep depression. The casino was my escape from reality.
Now I am starting to live in reality and find healthier ways to deal with my illness. When I focus outside of myself I start to feel better. When I am not going through the highs and lows of gambling I have more energy to face my illness. Another great part about recovery is that when I am heading towards the manic, high energy side of my illness I am not throwing incredible amounts of money away. Slowly I am starting to feel more in control of my life. It is incredible to feel that I have some form of control again. Of course, I am on countless medications and am pretty sure I could qualify as a walking pharmacy, but I am happier, more productive, and present in life. Those changes alone make every battle with my gambling addiction easier to fight. Never again do I want to go back to that feeling of utter despair, that dark and horrible place - alone, desperate, afraid, and empty. Now I have hope, feel at peace, and am so thankful for this new life.
The hardest part of recovery for me is when I look at the bills, start feeling emotions that I bottled up for so many years, and get that overwhelming panic and disgust at the mess I created. During those times I acknowledge my feelings, remind myself of how much I am improving, and then I have to tune it out and move my thoughts forward. If I allow myself to focus on the past for too long I know it will drive me back to the casino. Over time I hope to be able to stop hating myself for the lies, the loss of time, the financial devastation, and hurt that I caused. This is when I focus on "one day at a time." I cannot change everything overnight. There is no instant gratification with recovery. It is a slow, subtle change that will occur over the rest of my life.
Today I am thankful. I spent the day decorating the Christmas tree, painting ornaments with my daughters, and just watching how happy they were to spend time with me. Hearing my youngest daughter's laugh brought so much peace and happiness. I am starting to feel emotions again. I am still shocked by how numb I was. The only thing I "thought" that I enjoyed in life was the "action" at the casino. If I wasn't gambling, life was dull and boring. This new quieter life is now becoming something I look forward to. When I get that urge for competition, a challenge, or some type of action, I either play a game with my family or play a game on the computer. Being a highly competitive person, it is important for me to find a healthy way to satisfy this part of my personality. Of course, I have to make sure I spread out my hobbies and do not trade one addiction for another.
After reading up on gambling addiction it was very clear that obsessive-compulsive disorder can play a large part in our addiction. I am learning to recognize when I start devoting all of my time to one particular activity and I am trying to live a more balanced life. Having spent my entire life diving head first into activities, whether it was skiing, camping, fly fishing, playing games, playing pool, painting, or any other activity, it is strange to start finding a balance. I am one of those people who start an activity or "hobby" and that is all I want to do for days and weeks on end. Even though the activities listed above are all healthy, the motto "everything in moderation" is very true. This is one of my many character flaws that I will work towards changing over the coming months and years.
Well, it is time to watch a movie with my family. I have to make sure blogging does not become a new addiction as well!
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate your thoughts and time.
Ever since I made the choice to go to GA and acknowledged my gambling problem I have seen so many positive changes in my life. The thing that still amazes me is how my whole life was impacted by gambling, not just my financial situation. I am becoming a better person. As a mom, I am focusing so much more on my children. I enjoy every moment that we spend together. It makes me sad when I think about all of the time I missed with them. I may have physically been present, but mentally I was a million miles away. Either I was wishing I was at the casino or I was devastatingly depressed and sick from the financial stress that gambling caused in my life.
There were many times that I felt like I was going to have a heart attach or stroke. The amount of emotional distress was overwhelming. I was truly on the verge of going insane. Since I am bipolar there are many times that it is a battle just to get through the day. The majority of my illness causes me to be depressed. During those times I shut out the world and avoid reality. This is my coping mechanism so I do not fall into deep depression. The casino was my escape from reality.
Now I am starting to live in reality and find healthier ways to deal with my illness. When I focus outside of myself I start to feel better. When I am not going through the highs and lows of gambling I have more energy to face my illness. Another great part about recovery is that when I am heading towards the manic, high energy side of my illness I am not throwing incredible amounts of money away. Slowly I am starting to feel more in control of my life. It is incredible to feel that I have some form of control again. Of course, I am on countless medications and am pretty sure I could qualify as a walking pharmacy, but I am happier, more productive, and present in life. Those changes alone make every battle with my gambling addiction easier to fight. Never again do I want to go back to that feeling of utter despair, that dark and horrible place - alone, desperate, afraid, and empty. Now I have hope, feel at peace, and am so thankful for this new life.
The hardest part of recovery for me is when I look at the bills, start feeling emotions that I bottled up for so many years, and get that overwhelming panic and disgust at the mess I created. During those times I acknowledge my feelings, remind myself of how much I am improving, and then I have to tune it out and move my thoughts forward. If I allow myself to focus on the past for too long I know it will drive me back to the casino. Over time I hope to be able to stop hating myself for the lies, the loss of time, the financial devastation, and hurt that I caused. This is when I focus on "one day at a time." I cannot change everything overnight. There is no instant gratification with recovery. It is a slow, subtle change that will occur over the rest of my life.
Today I am thankful. I spent the day decorating the Christmas tree, painting ornaments with my daughters, and just watching how happy they were to spend time with me. Hearing my youngest daughter's laugh brought so much peace and happiness. I am starting to feel emotions again. I am still shocked by how numb I was. The only thing I "thought" that I enjoyed in life was the "action" at the casino. If I wasn't gambling, life was dull and boring. This new quieter life is now becoming something I look forward to. When I get that urge for competition, a challenge, or some type of action, I either play a game with my family or play a game on the computer. Being a highly competitive person, it is important for me to find a healthy way to satisfy this part of my personality. Of course, I have to make sure I spread out my hobbies and do not trade one addiction for another.
After reading up on gambling addiction it was very clear that obsessive-compulsive disorder can play a large part in our addiction. I am learning to recognize when I start devoting all of my time to one particular activity and I am trying to live a more balanced life. Having spent my entire life diving head first into activities, whether it was skiing, camping, fly fishing, playing games, playing pool, painting, or any other activity, it is strange to start finding a balance. I am one of those people who start an activity or "hobby" and that is all I want to do for days and weeks on end. Even though the activities listed above are all healthy, the motto "everything in moderation" is very true. This is one of my many character flaws that I will work towards changing over the coming months and years.
Well, it is time to watch a movie with my family. I have to make sure blogging does not become a new addiction as well!
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate your thoughts and time.
4. 15 days till Christmas
There are only 15 days till Christmas and for the first time in years I am excited. It is such a strange feeling to be happy this time of year. I lost so many years. This year I am anxiously looking forward to buying presents for the kids. Generally I would be stressing about how we were going to eat let alone buy presents. Even though it has not been too long since I quit gambling, I actually have money. Amazing how that works when you are not dumping the majority of your paychecks into the slot machines!
Tomorrow morning is my GA meeting. It is tough to leave the house at 7:50 am on a Saturday, but I am always so happy to be there once I arrive. The friendly faces, genuine concern, and unconditional acceptance is a gift I will never get used to or take for granted.
The holidays are busy for everyone and I am working this year to try and focus on the meaning of Christmas, the important things in life, and to appreciate where I am today. I am finally living in the moment and enjoying it. It is so refreshing.
Work is still going surprisingly well. My boss has been wonderful. It is like I have a new lease on life and I do not want to miss a moment of it. Of course, I always have the fears in the back of my mind, such as what if it goes away, what if my boss goes back to his old self before performance reviews and raises. There are other worries: what if we have a bill come up that I forgot about or didn't plan to pay or if the car breaks down. This is the side of me that I have to recognize when the thoughts occur. I can acknowledge my fears, give them to God, and then live in the moment. This is how I am going to continue to recover and grow stronger. It will enable me to be a much stronger person when life isn't going so well.
I have so much to be thankful for and hope I can give that hope to someone else. It is the best gift ever!
It's Friday and I am looking forward to the weekend. My husband and kids are earning extra money working at our friend's tree lot this weekend so it will just be the baby (Hailey who is 3) and I. I think we are going to go to the thrift stores as we always do each weekend. You know, searching for that cheaply priced item that I can sell on Ebay or finding the perfect clothes for the kids or any other wonderful thing we might come across. We are also going to the arts and crafts store to pick out ceramic ornaments to paint. This is a yearly tradition that I stopped doing when I was gambling. We have ornaments that the kids and I have painted over the last ten years. It's time to start that tradition again. I actually found something I am excited about!
I am also looking at creating another website that includes short poems, phrases, mini-stories, and social networking. My daughter (Cassie - 16) has been blogging for over a year. She is an amazing artist and author, I worked with her to add Amazon, Ad Sense, and Google widgets that allow her to make money just by having the links on her web page. The first day we added them she made $5. I think over time it will be a great extra income source for her and she is learning important computer skills every day. Hopefully I can do the same thing with my new blog!
I'll sign off with saying this: To dream again is to live again, it is like trying to find your way in the dark with no moon in sight and then watching the sun peak over the the horizon. All of the awe inspiring nature hidden in the depths of darkness come into view. The serenity and silence found in these quiet, peaceful moments clear the mind and heal the sole. Each day brings the opportunity to form new hopes and dreams. The failures of yesterday are gone.
Tomorrow morning is my GA meeting. It is tough to leave the house at 7:50 am on a Saturday, but I am always so happy to be there once I arrive. The friendly faces, genuine concern, and unconditional acceptance is a gift I will never get used to or take for granted.
The holidays are busy for everyone and I am working this year to try and focus on the meaning of Christmas, the important things in life, and to appreciate where I am today. I am finally living in the moment and enjoying it. It is so refreshing.
Work is still going surprisingly well. My boss has been wonderful. It is like I have a new lease on life and I do not want to miss a moment of it. Of course, I always have the fears in the back of my mind, such as what if it goes away, what if my boss goes back to his old self before performance reviews and raises. There are other worries: what if we have a bill come up that I forgot about or didn't plan to pay or if the car breaks down. This is the side of me that I have to recognize when the thoughts occur. I can acknowledge my fears, give them to God, and then live in the moment. This is how I am going to continue to recover and grow stronger. It will enable me to be a much stronger person when life isn't going so well.
I have so much to be thankful for and hope I can give that hope to someone else. It is the best gift ever!
It's Friday and I am looking forward to the weekend. My husband and kids are earning extra money working at our friend's tree lot this weekend so it will just be the baby (Hailey who is 3) and I. I think we are going to go to the thrift stores as we always do each weekend. You know, searching for that cheaply priced item that I can sell on Ebay or finding the perfect clothes for the kids or any other wonderful thing we might come across. We are also going to the arts and crafts store to pick out ceramic ornaments to paint. This is a yearly tradition that I stopped doing when I was gambling. We have ornaments that the kids and I have painted over the last ten years. It's time to start that tradition again. I actually found something I am excited about!
I am also looking at creating another website that includes short poems, phrases, mini-stories, and social networking. My daughter (Cassie - 16) has been blogging for over a year. She is an amazing artist and author, I worked with her to add Amazon, Ad Sense, and Google widgets that allow her to make money just by having the links on her web page. The first day we added them she made $5. I think over time it will be a great extra income source for her and she is learning important computer skills every day. Hopefully I can do the same thing with my new blog!
I'll sign off with saying this: To dream again is to live again, it is like trying to find your way in the dark with no moon in sight and then watching the sun peak over the the horizon. All of the awe inspiring nature hidden in the depths of darkness come into view. The serenity and silence found in these quiet, peaceful moments clear the mind and heal the sole. Each day brings the opportunity to form new hopes and dreams. The failures of yesterday are gone.
3. A post about my day, reflection on my gambling life, and hope for today
There are so many things I want to write about, but it is difficult to know where to begin. Many times it seems overwhelming when I look back over all that occurred the last several years. So, instead I am going to write from this day forward and backfill along the way.
A long day today
Today was one of those long days at work where when the day is done you feel like you just ran a marathon. It started at 5:40 am, dropped the baby at the sitters at 6:30, caught the bus at 6:50, and made it to work by 8:00. It's the beginning of the month so that means a ton of invoicing and management reporting, it is also the end of the year so that means extensive financial reports. After months of running from the minute I walk in the door till the minute I leave - never taking lunch and often forgetting to eat, I am tired. Then, let's add to that the fact that there is a 99% that our office is moving before January 31. No pressure there! I only have to coordinate the entire move. I do not know how I used to do this and go to the casino and spend countless hours there. Looking back it is no wonder I was sick all the time and felt like I was at the doctor every other week. Anyhow, work ended at 5:00, the bus was an hour late so I got home at 7:15. I am so frustrated by the commute time, time that is wasted. When I feel like whining, I have to remind myself that at least I have a job. Just sometimes it's hard. Okay, I'm done complaining at least for now :-).
My recovery and fears
The good thing about being so busy is that I seldom have time to think about gambling. I believe this has made my recovery much easier. Many times I catch myself dreading what "could" happen in the future. What if work slows down and the gambling urge comes back, what if I start getting ahead and finally have money again, is that going to trigger something? What happens when the exhaustion from work wears off? I acknowledge these thoughts when they occur and then remember the "one day at a time" motto. These are probably THE most important words I have ever heard. Being the obsessive-compulsive person that I am, I am constantly in a state of anxiety or worry. Focusing on one day at a time breaks everything down into manageable and attainable challenges and triumphs.
Honest fear for my life from the stress of gambling
During the time I was gambling, I was never in the present. Instead, I lived in an imaginary world - until I left the casino completely stressed out and sick from my behavior. Near the end I felt like I was going to have a stroke or heart attack by the time I turned 40. That is not a joke, my health was terrible and I am still recovering - I feel like a walking pharmacy. This fear is one of the main reasons I sought help for gambling.
The regret and disgust at my deceitful and selfish actions while gambling
The lack of self control disgusted me, when I was in my "right" mind I knew that going to the casino was not an option and that I could not afford to go. Then, out of nowhere I was driving in my car straight to the casino - many times this involved leaving work early so I could go without my family knowing. My self-esteem was so low, I couldn't even face myself in the mirror. I was so selfish and weak. How could I do that to my family. What was I thinking. What was wrong with me. The only thing that kept me from falling into utter despair and kept me from finding a way to end things, not through suicide, but just by checking out from life (mental hospital, anything), was my wonderful children and husband. I had hit rock bottom and was too afraid to tell the truth about my countless lies, the lost money, the debt we were in, etc. How could anyone forgive what I had done? No one knew how bad things were - I became such a good lier, it was second nature. It still makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it. I knew my secret would be discovered, but I still did it. I think subconsciously I wanted to get caught. In another post I will discuss what happened when my husband discovered how badly I had screwed up our finances and how far I put us in debt. It is too much to think about in my exhausted state of mind today.
The recovery process
We learn how to work on our own character defects and in turn those changes impact our entire life. Gambling was not just about money, the problem was so much bigger than that. I never realized how it impacted every area of my life. The changes that I see in myself are gradual, but by working with God, telling him my wrongs and asking forgiveness, I am starting to feel stronger, more comfortable in my own skin, building my self respect, improving my relationships with my children, husband, and relatives. I would say my friends, but I do not have many. When you gamble like I did, no one wanted to be around me. I never gambled with people I knew because they might realize I had a problem. I essentially withdrew from everyone around me.
All of these changes have happened in a period of three months. I am looking to the future with hope now instead of despair. No longer am I living in my own personal prison, on the verge of insanity, and truly hating myself. My disposition is so much better, I am starting to turn into the outgoing person "I used to be." I am starting to feel happy again - I am even looking forward to Christmas this year. It is amazing and I thank God for my family and friends in GA for they have been my primary support to achieve these drastic improvements in my life. Today I am ending my day feeling thankful, happy, satisfied, and content. It is a wonderful new life.
I'm going to finally end this book of a post and play a few games of bejeweled on Facebook and then it's time for bed. Thanks for bearing through my rants, raves, and rambling. I look forward to sharing my story and hope. As I always say, if I can help just one person through this journey, I will have achieved my goal and finally started to give back instead of always taking. Please comment if you have questions, would like to talk, or simply say hi. I would really like to know what you would like to get out of reading this blog so I can direct my efforts towards ways to help people as well as myself.
A long day today
Today was one of those long days at work where when the day is done you feel like you just ran a marathon. It started at 5:40 am, dropped the baby at the sitters at 6:30, caught the bus at 6:50, and made it to work by 8:00. It's the beginning of the month so that means a ton of invoicing and management reporting, it is also the end of the year so that means extensive financial reports. After months of running from the minute I walk in the door till the minute I leave - never taking lunch and often forgetting to eat, I am tired. Then, let's add to that the fact that there is a 99% that our office is moving before January 31. No pressure there! I only have to coordinate the entire move. I do not know how I used to do this and go to the casino and spend countless hours there. Looking back it is no wonder I was sick all the time and felt like I was at the doctor every other week. Anyhow, work ended at 5:00, the bus was an hour late so I got home at 7:15. I am so frustrated by the commute time, time that is wasted. When I feel like whining, I have to remind myself that at least I have a job. Just sometimes it's hard. Okay, I'm done complaining at least for now :-).
My recovery and fears
The good thing about being so busy is that I seldom have time to think about gambling. I believe this has made my recovery much easier. Many times I catch myself dreading what "could" happen in the future. What if work slows down and the gambling urge comes back, what if I start getting ahead and finally have money again, is that going to trigger something? What happens when the exhaustion from work wears off? I acknowledge these thoughts when they occur and then remember the "one day at a time" motto. These are probably THE most important words I have ever heard. Being the obsessive-compulsive person that I am, I am constantly in a state of anxiety or worry. Focusing on one day at a time breaks everything down into manageable and attainable challenges and triumphs.
Honest fear for my life from the stress of gambling
During the time I was gambling, I was never in the present. Instead, I lived in an imaginary world - until I left the casino completely stressed out and sick from my behavior. Near the end I felt like I was going to have a stroke or heart attack by the time I turned 40. That is not a joke, my health was terrible and I am still recovering - I feel like a walking pharmacy. This fear is one of the main reasons I sought help for gambling.
The regret and disgust at my deceitful and selfish actions while gambling
The lack of self control disgusted me, when I was in my "right" mind I knew that going to the casino was not an option and that I could not afford to go. Then, out of nowhere I was driving in my car straight to the casino - many times this involved leaving work early so I could go without my family knowing. My self-esteem was so low, I couldn't even face myself in the mirror. I was so selfish and weak. How could I do that to my family. What was I thinking. What was wrong with me. The only thing that kept me from falling into utter despair and kept me from finding a way to end things, not through suicide, but just by checking out from life (mental hospital, anything), was my wonderful children and husband. I had hit rock bottom and was too afraid to tell the truth about my countless lies, the lost money, the debt we were in, etc. How could anyone forgive what I had done? No one knew how bad things were - I became such a good lier, it was second nature. It still makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it. I knew my secret would be discovered, but I still did it. I think subconsciously I wanted to get caught. In another post I will discuss what happened when my husband discovered how badly I had screwed up our finances and how far I put us in debt. It is too much to think about in my exhausted state of mind today.
The recovery process
We learn how to work on our own character defects and in turn those changes impact our entire life. Gambling was not just about money, the problem was so much bigger than that. I never realized how it impacted every area of my life. The changes that I see in myself are gradual, but by working with God, telling him my wrongs and asking forgiveness, I am starting to feel stronger, more comfortable in my own skin, building my self respect, improving my relationships with my children, husband, and relatives. I would say my friends, but I do not have many. When you gamble like I did, no one wanted to be around me. I never gambled with people I knew because they might realize I had a problem. I essentially withdrew from everyone around me.
All of these changes have happened in a period of three months. I am looking to the future with hope now instead of despair. No longer am I living in my own personal prison, on the verge of insanity, and truly hating myself. My disposition is so much better, I am starting to turn into the outgoing person "I used to be." I am starting to feel happy again - I am even looking forward to Christmas this year. It is amazing and I thank God for my family and friends in GA for they have been my primary support to achieve these drastic improvements in my life. Today I am ending my day feeling thankful, happy, satisfied, and content. It is a wonderful new life.
I'm going to finally end this book of a post and play a few games of bejeweled on Facebook and then it's time for bed. Thanks for bearing through my rants, raves, and rambling. I look forward to sharing my story and hope. As I always say, if I can help just one person through this journey, I will have achieved my goal and finally started to give back instead of always taking. Please comment if you have questions, would like to talk, or simply say hi. I would really like to know what you would like to get out of reading this blog so I can direct my efforts towards ways to help people as well as myself.
2. The Holidays and One Day at a Time
This year is different than the last several years. I am enjoying the important things in life. I spent time with the kids today. We went shopping and bought a few Christmas decorations for the house. Financially, we are still so far behind from where we could be, but recovery requires taking everything one day at a time.
Many times I find myself thinking about the damage I did while gambling. All of the time I missed with my family, the financial burden I have placed us under, the time I used to spend doing the things I enjoyed. Then I have to stop myself from going down that path. It is good to remember, but not to focus on the negatives for too long. Realistically for me, five to ten minutes is about all I can do or I start feeling discouraged. I have to remind myself that now is the time to forgive myself and move forward. It sounds so simple on paper, but it will be one of my greatest challenges. When I look at all of the time and money I lost it is very frustrating and discouraging. Then I remember to focus on how far I have come. I am on the right path now, no longer hiding from reality behind a slot machine, burying my family in debt, and living the insanity of the lie. I am actually present, both emotionally and physically. I cannot tell you how long it has been since I actually was emotionally present.
Now, I am starting to appreciate the down time in my life. At first I was stir crazy, it was hard to just relax. Life seemed so dull once I stopped gambling. I still miss the adrenaline rush that you get when you walk through the doors of the casino. It was my escape from the stress and disappointments in life. The good thing is that I do not miss it as much as I did when I decided to stop. Each day is a little bit easier.
The holidays are a happier time this year. Even though we are still broke and paying for my mistakes, I am lucky enough to have a husband that does not hold those terrible decisions over my head. If he did, it would definitely drive me back to my addiction, just to try and win that one last jackpot so I could pay off all of the bills. He understands the reality that the money is gone and we will never get it back. What gives him hope is knowing that we will no longer be going backwards. We will be moving forwards to a happier, more satisfying life. So many people have to do this alone and I know that the holidays have to be such a challenge. I have tremendous respect for those who are fighting this problem on their own and winning. They are so strong and I gain strength from seeing their continued growth.
This year I am hoping to somehow give back to those I love instead of always taking from them.
This week I will focus on slowly starting to forgive myself. To always remain in the present and to life one day at a time.
I am thankful for this amazing change in my life and grateful to the wonderful support group I have with my GA family and God. One of the most exciting things about recovery is being able to meet each week with a group of wonderful people that are also fighting the same battle. They truly care about each other and it is a place where I can finally be myself with no worry of others judging me.
With that said, I am looking forward to the holidays and new year with hope. What a simple word hope is, but to a gambler who spent years hoping and many time praying for a way out and to pay off the debt, it is amazing. I actually decorated for Christmas this year and it wasn't just for the kids. It was a lot of fun! Anyhow, since I am focusing on one day at a time, I am going to sign off for today and watch a movie with the family.
Please feel free if to post a comment, to tell your story, or even vent about your day. I would love to hear from you!
Jolene
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