I am back from vacation and feel much better. It is amazing what a little rest can do! Vacationing is another side benefit to recovery! We actually had the money to go on vacation. We did not go anywhere warm or expensive, but it was sure nice to get away for a few days.
This morning we woke up to five inches of snow so I opted to work from home. If the boss only knew how much more you get done when you work from home! After a ten-hour day and a wonderful feeling of accomplishment it is time to kick back and relax.
I am anxiously looking forward to my Saturday GA meeting. I miss everyone and cannot wait to hear how everyone is doing.
My recovery is still going extremely well. No setbacks to date and I have yet to really have to fight any urges to go to the casino. I still find myself considering the purchase of a scratch ticket or lottery ticket now and again, but have not allowed myself to do so since that still constitutes gambling.
Yesterday was frustrating. Work went well, but when I came home there was a bill from a collection agency anxiously awaiting for me. It was for two medical bills that for some reason or another my insurance did not pay. One was from over five years ago and the other from two years ago. They totaled over $6,000! It was depressing to receive such an overwhelming bill and have it not be something do to my gambling. Maybe it inadvertently was. When I was gambling, I would receive bills in the mail and just throw them away without opening them. I lived in total denial and never faced the consequences of "real life." Last week our car was hit when we went to the movies, luckily we were there when it happened, but what a hassle. Our other car broke down the week before so now we have two cars in the driveway that need repairs and one car that needs a cosmetic fix. Sometimes life throws curve balls, even when you are on the right path. It is frustrating. When I opened the collection notice, a very brief thought passed through my mind. It was the notorious "I could win the money at the casino!" and then the thought was gone. Again, I was disgusted that it even crossed my mind. Disgust is a great way to deal with the urges though!
Anyhow, other than money issues as always, life is going very well and I am so thankful every day. What an absolutely amazing gift recovery is. I will never regret the day I made the choice to quit gambling and truly acknowledge that I had a problem. If I had not destroyed our finances by gambling, I would have been able to obtain a loan to pay off the collection bill. Now I have to face the reality that they may try to garnish my wages, which is terrifying since we are spending a good percentage of our income paying off my debts. If I had not gambled, I would have the money available to pay down the bill in a timely manner.
All I can do is pray about it and then contact the creditor with the hope that they will work with me. There is nothing else that I can do and I have to be okay with that, even when it is scary. I cannot go back to my old habit of avoiding anything I do not want to deal with. It will only lead to more stress and a worse outcome.
With that said, I am off to spend time with my family. I hope you are all doing well and with you the best!
19. Vacation!
After six weeks of crazy work hours and finally settling in to our new office at work it is time for vacation! I am looking forward to four days off work and time to catch up on much needed sleep.
Last Saturday I missed my GA meeting because I was sick with the flu and I am going to miss it again this Saturday, but I will definitely be back next week. The meetings keep me grounded and focused on becoming a better person. They are a vital part of my recovery and I am looking forward to going back!
Having worked an average of 70 hours per week for the last month and a half, there has been no time to even think about the casino. It still does not appeal to me and I have no interest in going back. I am so thankful that recovery is actually easier than I thought it would be. I know I have said this before, but when I was gambling, the thought of never going back seemed impossible. At that time, I was not ready to quit. I honestly thought I could regain control of my gambling and be like everyone else. Now, having been away from the casino for five months, I know that I can never go back. It could take just one time for me to be sucked right back in. I am not willing to ever go back to that terrible place in my life. When I think of how it impacted my life and my family's life, it still disgusts me and does not appeal to me whatsoever. That definitely makes recovery much easier.
One of the main reasons I continue to blog on this site is so I have a journal that I can look back on and never forget how I felt before I quit. I also write with the hope of inspiring other's to start their journey to recovery or to continue their recovery when they are facing challenging circumstances.
Thank you all for your support through this process. It means everything to my recovery and I appreciate you all.
Last Saturday I missed my GA meeting because I was sick with the flu and I am going to miss it again this Saturday, but I will definitely be back next week. The meetings keep me grounded and focused on becoming a better person. They are a vital part of my recovery and I am looking forward to going back!
Having worked an average of 70 hours per week for the last month and a half, there has been no time to even think about the casino. It still does not appeal to me and I have no interest in going back. I am so thankful that recovery is actually easier than I thought it would be. I know I have said this before, but when I was gambling, the thought of never going back seemed impossible. At that time, I was not ready to quit. I honestly thought I could regain control of my gambling and be like everyone else. Now, having been away from the casino for five months, I know that I can never go back. It could take just one time for me to be sucked right back in. I am not willing to ever go back to that terrible place in my life. When I think of how it impacted my life and my family's life, it still disgusts me and does not appeal to me whatsoever. That definitely makes recovery much easier.
One of the main reasons I continue to blog on this site is so I have a journal that I can look back on and never forget how I felt before I quit. I also write with the hope of inspiring other's to start their journey to recovery or to continue their recovery when they are facing challenging circumstances.
Thank you all for your support through this process. It means everything to my recovery and I appreciate you all.
18. Almost five months into recovery
I am approaching five months in recovery. It sounds like such a short amount of time, but when you consider how much power gambling had in my life, it is quite a while. There are so many positive things that have occurred since I quit gambling. Obviously our finances are improving and I am not stressed out all of the time about trying to find money to replace the money that I spent at the casino. Our family life is wonderful - I cannot believe that I jeopardized my wonderful relationship with my husband because of my addiction. It is frustrating when I think about what I put him through and only makes me love him more for accepting my "major" flaw and being willing to work through recovery with me. I do not deserve him after what I have done, but I do know that I was not always a bad person and that I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to him.
Life is constantly throwing curve balls at us, but that is life and there is nothing we can do to change that. One of the GA sayings is that we must learn to accept the things we cannot change and change the things we can. In writing it seems so simple and logical, but in practice it is very difficult. There are so many things that I try to change daily that are outside my control. Most often I find this to be challenging at work. So many times I find myself trying to change other people's reactions and opinions. What I am trying to accept is that only they can do that. I am working on focusing on changing my view on things, my part in a situation, and trying to figure out ways to avoid situations that I cannot control. Avoiding things is probably not the best solution, but it definitely can help in certain circumstances.
Another benefit to recovery is that I am more focused at work, have a better level of self confidence, and that enables me to establish boundaries with those around me. I hate to say that I cannot do something or that I am unable to meet a deadline. For weeks I have worked at least 30 hours of overtime a week to make sure our office move was successful and it paid off because everything worked out correctly. Since my focus was on arranging everything for the move much of my workload was done during the weekend, late at night, and through lunches. This has been draining and I am definitely exhausted. The good news is that the workload will hopefully fall back within a 45-hour week and I will eventually be able to occasionally take lunch breaks again!
We are going on vacation next weekend and taking a couple of days off from work. I am looking forward to quality time with my family and it cannot come soon enough!
Last night my husband asked me how I felt about my daughter's soccer tournaments that are coming up over the next year or two. They have two tournaments in Las Vegas. I had already thought about this and decided that I could go to the tournament if we stayed at a condo or house away from the casinos. I love driving out to red rock, going to the M&M store, and so many other things. Of course, there were certain things that I told my husband I would wish to avoid. I would want to stay out of all casinos - I am not worried about relapsing and gambling - which is surprising. The reason I want to stay away from the casinos is that I know I would be agitated and probably not the most fun person to be around if I was constantly surrounded by the sound of slot machines. Though I am in recovery, it does not mean that the sound of a slot machine would not trigger every urge possible to want to gamble again. We will evaluate going to her tournament as the day draws nearer. It is over a year from now and I do not know where I will be in my recovery at that time. It does make you think though. Much of my recovery has been easier for me because I do not go anywhere near a casino, I do not go in convenience stores with scratch tickets (even though that was not where my addiction was focused, I could see it being a way for me to "cheat" the system and hinder my recovery), I essentially avoid everything possible to do with gambling. I think it makes it easier.
I hope you are all doing well and wish you the best in your recovery or strength to support someone around you.
Have a great week!
Life is constantly throwing curve balls at us, but that is life and there is nothing we can do to change that. One of the GA sayings is that we must learn to accept the things we cannot change and change the things we can. In writing it seems so simple and logical, but in practice it is very difficult. There are so many things that I try to change daily that are outside my control. Most often I find this to be challenging at work. So many times I find myself trying to change other people's reactions and opinions. What I am trying to accept is that only they can do that. I am working on focusing on changing my view on things, my part in a situation, and trying to figure out ways to avoid situations that I cannot control. Avoiding things is probably not the best solution, but it definitely can help in certain circumstances.
Another benefit to recovery is that I am more focused at work, have a better level of self confidence, and that enables me to establish boundaries with those around me. I hate to say that I cannot do something or that I am unable to meet a deadline. For weeks I have worked at least 30 hours of overtime a week to make sure our office move was successful and it paid off because everything worked out correctly. Since my focus was on arranging everything for the move much of my workload was done during the weekend, late at night, and through lunches. This has been draining and I am definitely exhausted. The good news is that the workload will hopefully fall back within a 45-hour week and I will eventually be able to occasionally take lunch breaks again!
We are going on vacation next weekend and taking a couple of days off from work. I am looking forward to quality time with my family and it cannot come soon enough!
Last night my husband asked me how I felt about my daughter's soccer tournaments that are coming up over the next year or two. They have two tournaments in Las Vegas. I had already thought about this and decided that I could go to the tournament if we stayed at a condo or house away from the casinos. I love driving out to red rock, going to the M&M store, and so many other things. Of course, there were certain things that I told my husband I would wish to avoid. I would want to stay out of all casinos - I am not worried about relapsing and gambling - which is surprising. The reason I want to stay away from the casinos is that I know I would be agitated and probably not the most fun person to be around if I was constantly surrounded by the sound of slot machines. Though I am in recovery, it does not mean that the sound of a slot machine would not trigger every urge possible to want to gamble again. We will evaluate going to her tournament as the day draws nearer. It is over a year from now and I do not know where I will be in my recovery at that time. It does make you think though. Much of my recovery has been easier for me because I do not go anywhere near a casino, I do not go in convenience stores with scratch tickets (even though that was not where my addiction was focused, I could see it being a way for me to "cheat" the system and hinder my recovery), I essentially avoid everything possible to do with gambling. I think it makes it easier.
I hope you are all doing well and wish you the best in your recovery or strength to support someone around you.
Have a great week!
17. Checking in - Feb. 2, 2011
I am checking in to say hi and let everyone know that everything is going well. The office move has taken up all of my time so time is flying by. I worked 148 hours over the last two weeks! Needless to say there has been little time to think about much of anything let alone gambling. In the past my job and stress was one of the biggest triggers for me to gamble. The casino was my escape. Now, if the thought crosses my mind it is only there briefly. I acknowledge it and then it is gone. I no longer think of the casino as an escape. That is a tremendous difference from the past. Before I stopped gambling, the thought of never going to a casino again was absolutely terrifying. It was the last thing I would give up. Since I started recovery, the reality that I can never place that first bet has become a part of life. I no longer feel like I am giving up something or missing out on something. What an amazing gift! I am so thankful for finding GA, for the strength that God has given me, and for all of the support I have received. There are many people who I thought would judge me and look at me as weak, but that has not been the case. They respect me for acknowledging that I have a problem and taking action to get help. I was very surprised by how different their reactions were compared to my expectations. Maybe it is because gamblers judge themselves more than anyone else ever could. No matter what the reason, I can honestly say that I am thankful for everything right now. My life has improved so much since I quit gambling and I have hope for the future. What an amazing gift.
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