3. A post about my day, reflection on my gambling life, and hope for today

There are so many things I want to write about, but it is difficult to know where to begin.  Many times it seems overwhelming when I look back over all that occurred the last several years.  So, instead I am going to write from this day forward and backfill along the way.


A long day today
Today was one of those long days at work where when the day is done you feel like you just ran a marathon. It started at 5:40 am, dropped the baby at the sitters at 6:30, caught the bus at 6:50, and made it to work by 8:00.  It's the beginning of the month so that means a ton of invoicing and management reporting, it is also the end of the year so that means extensive financial reports.  After months of running from the minute I walk in the door till the minute I leave - never taking lunch and often forgetting to eat, I am tired.  Then, let's add to that the fact that there is a 99% that our office is moving before January 31.  No pressure there!  I only have to coordinate the entire move.  I do not know how I used to do this and go to the casino and spend countless hours there.  Looking back it is no wonder I was sick all the time and felt like I was at the doctor every other week.  Anyhow, work ended at 5:00, the bus was an hour late so I got home at 7:15.  I am so frustrated by the commute time, time that is wasted.  When I feel like whining, I have to remind myself that at least I have a job.  Just sometimes it's hard.  Okay, I'm done complaining at least for now :-).


My recovery and fears
The good thing about being so busy is that I seldom have time to think about gambling.  I believe this has made my recovery much easier.  Many times I catch myself dreading what "could" happen in the future.  What if work slows down and the gambling urge comes back, what if I start getting ahead and finally have money again, is that going to trigger something?  What happens when the exhaustion from work wears off?  I acknowledge these thoughts when they occur and then remember the "one day at a time" motto.  These are probably THE most important words I have ever heard.  Being the obsessive-compulsive person that I am, I am constantly in a state of anxiety or worry.  Focusing on one day at a time breaks everything down into manageable and attainable challenges and triumphs.


Honest fear for my life from the stress of gambling
During the time I was gambling, I was never in the present.  Instead, I lived in an imaginary world - until I left the casino completely stressed out and sick from my behavior.  Near the end I felt like I was going to have a stroke or heart attack by the time I turned 40.  That is not a joke, my health was terrible and I am still recovering - I feel like a walking pharmacy.  This fear is one of the main reasons I sought help for gambling.


The regret and disgust at my deceitful and selfish actions while gambling
The lack of self control disgusted me, when I was in my "right" mind I knew that going to the casino was not an option and that I could not afford to go. Then, out of nowhere I was driving in my car straight to the casino - many times this involved leaving work early so I could go without my family knowing.  My self-esteem was so low, I couldn't even face myself in the mirror.  I was so selfish and weak.  How could I do that to my family.  What was I thinking.  What was wrong with me.  The only thing that kept me from falling into utter despair and kept me from finding a way to end things, not through suicide, but just by  checking out from life (mental hospital, anything), was my wonderful children and husband.  I had hit rock bottom and was too afraid to tell the truth about my countless lies, the lost money, the debt we were in, etc.  How could anyone forgive what I had done?  No one knew how bad things were - I became such a good lier, it was second nature.  It still makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it. I knew my secret would be discovered, but I still did it.  I think subconsciously I wanted to get caught.  In another post I will discuss what happened when my husband discovered how badly I had screwed up our finances and how far I put us in debt.  It is too much to think about in my exhausted state of mind today.


The recovery process
We learn how to work on our own character defects and in turn those changes impact our entire life.  Gambling was not just about money, the problem was so much bigger than that.  I never realized how it impacted every area of my life.  The changes that I see in myself are gradual, but by working with God, telling him my wrongs and asking forgiveness, I am starting to feel stronger, more comfortable in my own skin, building my self respect, improving my relationships with my children, husband, and relatives.  I would say my friends, but I do not have many.  When you gamble like I did, no one wanted to be around me.  I never gambled with people I knew because they might realize I had a problem.  I essentially withdrew from everyone around me.


All of these changes have happened in a period of three months.  I am looking to the future with hope now instead of despair.  No longer am I living in my own personal prison, on the verge of insanity, and truly hating myself.  My disposition is so much better, I am starting to turn into the outgoing person "I used to be."  I am starting to feel happy again - I am even looking forward to Christmas this year.  It is amazing and I thank God for my family and friends in GA for they have been my primary support to achieve these drastic improvements in my life.  Today I am ending my day feeling thankful, happy, satisfied, and content.  It is a wonderful new life.


I'm going to finally end this book of a post and play a few games of bejeweled on Facebook and then it's time for bed.  Thanks for bearing through my rants, raves, and rambling.  I look forward to sharing my story and hope.  As I always say, if I can help just one person through this journey, I will have achieved my goal and finally started to give back instead of always taking.  Please comment if you have questions, would like to talk, or simply say hi.  I would really like to know what you would like to get out of reading this blog so I can direct my efforts towards ways to help people as well as myself.