4. 15 days till Christmas

There are only 15 days till Christmas and for the first time in years I am excited.  It is such a strange feeling to be happy this time of year.  I lost so many years.  This year I am anxiously looking forward to buying presents for the kids.  Generally I would be stressing about how we were going to eat let alone buy presents.  Even though it has not been too long since I quit gambling, I actually have money.  Amazing how that works when you are not dumping the majority of your paychecks into the slot machines!


Tomorrow morning is my GA meeting.  It is tough to leave the house at 7:50 am on a Saturday, but I am always so happy to be there once I arrive.  The friendly faces, genuine concern, and unconditional acceptance is a gift I will never get used to or take for granted.


The holidays are busy for everyone and I am working this year to try and focus on the meaning of Christmas, the important things in life, and to appreciate where I am today.  I am finally living in the moment and enjoying it.  It is so refreshing.


Work is still going surprisingly well.  My boss has been wonderful.  It is like I have a new lease on life and I do not want to miss a moment of it.  Of course, I always have the fears in the back of my mind, such as what if it goes away, what if my boss goes back to his old self before performance reviews and raises.  There are other worries: what if we have a bill come up that I forgot about or didn't plan to pay or if the car breaks down.  This is the side of me that I have to recognize when the thoughts occur.  I can acknowledge my fears, give them to God, and then live in the moment.  This is how I am going to continue to recover and grow stronger.  It will enable me to be a much stronger person when life isn't going so well.


I have so much to be thankful for and hope I can give that hope to someone else.  It is the best gift ever!


It's Friday and I am looking forward to the weekend.  My husband and kids are earning extra money working at our friend's tree lot this weekend so it will just be the baby (Hailey who is 3) and I.  I think we are going to go to the thrift stores as we always do each weekend.  You know, searching for that cheaply priced item that I can sell on Ebay or finding the perfect clothes for the kids or any other wonderful thing we might come across. We are also going to the arts and crafts store to pick out ceramic ornaments to paint.  This is a yearly tradition that I stopped doing when I was gambling.  We have ornaments that the kids and I have painted over the last ten years.  It's time to start that tradition again.  I actually found something I am excited about!


I am also looking at creating another website that includes short poems, phrases, mini-stories, and social networking.  My daughter (Cassie - 16) has been blogging for over a year.  She is an amazing artist and author, I worked with her to add Amazon, Ad Sense, and Google widgets that allow her to make money just by having the links on her web page.  The first day we added them she made $5.  I think over time it will be a great extra income source for her and she is learning important computer skills every day.  Hopefully I can do the same thing with my new blog!


I'll sign off with saying this:  To dream again is to live again, it is like trying to find your way in the dark with no moon in sight and then watching the sun peak over the the horizon.  All of the awe inspiring nature hidden in the depths of darkness come into view.  The serenity and silence found in these quiet, peaceful moments clear the mind and heal the sole. Each day brings the opportunity to form new hopes and dreams.  The failures of yesterday are gone.