7. Rock Bottom - the start to my recovery

When I first started to consider the idea that I had a gambling problem was when I no longer used our available funds, but banked on the fact that I would win more than I gambled.  My "way out" was getting payday loans.  (Thankfully I did not have credit cards since I already had poor credit from raising three kids on my own for nine years.)  This spiraled very quickly out of control.  I was obtaining one loan to pay another and so on.  Eventually I had to close my checking account to stop the immediate withdrawals out of each paycheck because I could no longer cover all of my debts.  My family was unaware of how out of control my gambling was because my husband and I had separate accounts.  When I closed my account I knew I would be held accountable for my spending since I would be on my husband's account.

Once I switched to my husband's account I was able to stop gambling for a couple of months because the disgust and stress of what I had done was still fresh in my mind.  I went through terrible withdrawal symptoms.  I was depressed, dealing with severe anxiety, miserable at work, and agitated at home.  When I decided to stop gambling it was not a choice that I was making for a lifetime, it was a choice that was only going to be temporary.  In no way was I ready to give up gambling "forever."  In my mind that was like having the world and all happiness and "fun" end. 

After approximately three months I started going back to the casino.  Of course, I was sure that all I had to do was monitor and control my spending and it would not cause the problems that it had in the past.  That theory worked for a month or so and then everything was a blur, the compulsive, obsessive gambler in me took over.  No longer was I in control of my impulses.  If the thought of going to the casino crossed my mind I was already planning my alibi and how I would get away without anyone knowing before I even realized it.  Most of the time I was in my car heading there even though I knew that was the last place I should be driving.  I think it is incredibly hard if not impossible to explain the power that the casino and gambling can have over your logical thinking.  The best way I can describe it is to compare it to a drug addiction.  Many former drug addicts will disagree with this comparison.  For me, the excitement of walking through those casino doors brought on a greater high than anything I had ever experienced. 

As the gambling continued I took the fast track to destroying my life.  I was distant from my husband due to the lies and secrets.  Internally I was sick to my stomach all of the time.  My brain was always running overtime trying to figure out ways to "fix" my financial problems.  This impacted my work productivity, sapped all of my energy when I came home from work, and caused severe anxiety.  It took everything I had to get up and go to work.

This time I obtained payday loans using my husband's information.  This went on for about four months.  He was unaware of the loans because our internet was not working at the house and of course I was in no hurry to get it fixed.  I kept going back to the casino (obviously insane and blinded by my addiction).  The solution or so I thought, was to hit a big jackpot and pay everything off.  That never happened. 

One day my husband called the internet company and they fixed the internet problem.  That was a very bad day.  He reviewed the last four months of information on our checking account and stopped because it made him sick.  He wrote down every withdrawal, every overdraft fee, and all of the payday loan fees incurred.  When I came home from work he showed me the list.  I knew it was bad, but when I reviewed the actual numbers, the countless nights of returning to the ATM as many times as it would let me, the checks I had written, and everything else, the amount was more than four times what I thought it was.  He was furious with me.  This is obviously understandable.  What could I say?  There would never be a way to explain what I had done.  All of the shame, disgust, stress, guilt, and every other horrible feeling you can imagine hit me at once.  This no longer was "my" problem; it was the family's problem.  It always had been the family's problem, but I never really thought of it that way or thought at all for that matter.  Since we had been through the financial devastation I had caused before (not nearly as bad, but still had to get real loans to get out of the hole), he was "done," done with having me destroy the family.  I was done too and knew I needed to quit, but I didn't know how.  How could I ever recoup the money I had lost?  The only way I knew how was to win it at the casino.  This is the point where I hit rock bottom, on the verge of losing my husband, my family, my mind, our home, the cars, everything.  When I look back, it is so COMPLETELY INSANE! What was I thinking?  How could I take so much from my family and not even think twice?  Why couldn't I truly see all of the damage my addiction was causing?  What was WRONG WITH ME?  When I am gambling it controls me, I am a terrible person, and I don't ever want to be that person again.  EVER!  I keep the list with the horrible financial numbers in my car at all times.  If I EVER consider gambling again, that list is there to remind me along with the yellow book from GA, my counselor's card, and my GA key chains.  

This is when I finally sought help and truly never wanted to go to the casino again.  In my heart and mind I knew it would no longer be my outlet, entertainment, or whatever else I thought it was.  My husband looked up local GA meetings and we found one that was held on Saturdays.  He also looked up counselors that dealt with gambling addiction and mental health disorders.  He found "Coastal Treatment Center."  Having had counselors in the past, I knew this would be different.  I never brought up my gambling with other counselors. This would be the first time I could deal with my addiction and mental health issues at the same time. They would know why I was there, what my weaknesses were, and help me find ways to start recovering from the horrible toll that gambling took on me.  

I was sick to my stomach all week just thinking about going to a meeting.  Having never had issues with drugs or alcohol, I had no idea of what to expect.  My husband drove me to the meeting and went to the meeting with me.  I cannot tell you how much respect and love I have for him.  How could he still love me after everything I had done?  I did not deserve someone who loved me like that, but I was sure going to do everything I could to earn back his trust and treat him the way he deserved to be treated.  

When we walked in the room I was surprised.  You would never know that a single one of them had a gambling problem.  That is the trick about this addiction.  We can fool everyone on the outside.  There are no visible cues.  Everyone in the room was very welcoming and understood EXACTLY where I was at.  There was no pressure put on me to talk or share anything.  At the end of the meeting I actually had hope.  I finally found people that truly understood the power of this addiction and did not judge me.  What an amazing gift.  I will never forget the first day I walked in that room.  When I get the urge to gamble, I remember that day.  I remember the utter despair, hopelessness, loss of self worth, insanity, stress, loss, and so much more.  It makes me ill when I think of it and the gambling urge goes away.  I know that despair will not always be so fresh in my mind so I am going to Coastal for counseling so I am prepared for when the urges get worse and have the tools to manage those urges.  My counselor is wonderful.  I can truly tell her anything because she actually understands.  She makes me feel better about myself.  That means a lot to my recovery.  

My husband has also been amazing.  When he saw that I was getting help and that I truly realized I had a problem, he has been by my side every step of the way.  NEVER has he brought up the money issue again.  In some ways he knows me too well.  He knows that if the money is constantly brought up it will drive me back to the casino to try and win it back.  The reality is that he is right.  His answer is that the "money is gone and it is not coming back."  He is thankful knowing that we will not be losing more money though and that gives him hope. I know he will always have the fear in the back of his mind that I will slip up, but he has faith in me and that means more than anything.  Especially since I do not deserve his faith and trust yet.  The key word is yet.  One day we will be able to look back on this as a huge hurdle that we overcame and grew stronger from.  I set my sights on that day.  It inspires me to get better, become a better person, and finally dream about a positive future that is set in reality.