2. The Holidays and One Day at a Time

This year is different than the last several years.  I am enjoying the important things in life.  I spent time with the kids today.  We went shopping and bought a few Christmas decorations for the house.  Financially, we are still so far behind from where we could be, but recovery requires taking everything one day at a time.

Many times I find myself thinking about the damage I did while gambling.  All of the time I missed with my family, the financial burden I have placed us under, the time I used to spend doing the things I enjoyed.  Then I have to stop myself from going down that path.  It is good to remember, but not to focus on the negatives for too long.  Realistically for me, five to ten minutes is about all I can do or I start feeling discouraged.  I have to remind myself that now is the time to forgive myself and move forward.  It sounds so simple on paper, but it will be one of my greatest challenges. When I look at  all of the time and money I lost it is very frustrating and discouraging. Then I remember to focus on how far I have come.  I am on the right path now, no longer hiding from reality behind a slot machine, burying my family in debt, and living the insanity of the lie.  I am actually present, both emotionally and physically.  I cannot tell you how long it has been since I actually was emotionally present.  

Now, I am starting to appreciate the down time in my life.  At first I was stir crazy, it was hard to just relax.  Life seemed so dull once I stopped gambling.  I still miss the adrenaline rush that you get when you walk through the doors of the casino.  It was my escape from the stress and disappointments in life.  The good thing is that I do not miss it as much as I did when I decided to stop.  Each day is a little bit easier.

The holidays are a happier time this year.  Even though we are still broke and paying for my mistakes, I am lucky enough to have a husband that does not hold those terrible decisions over my head.  If he did, it would definitely drive me back to my addiction, just to try and win that one last jackpot so I could pay off all of the bills. He understands the reality that the money is gone and we will never get it back.  What gives him hope is knowing that we will no longer be going backwards.  We will be moving forwards to a happier, more satisfying life.  So many people have to do this alone and I know that the holidays have to be such a challenge.  I have tremendous respect for those who are fighting this problem on their own and winning.  They are so strong and I gain strength from seeing their continued growth.

This year I am hoping to somehow give back to those I love instead of always taking from them.

This week I will focus on slowly starting to forgive myself.  To always remain in the present and to life one day at a time.

I am thankful for this amazing change in my life and grateful to the wonderful support group I have with my GA family and God.  One of the most exciting things about recovery is being able to meet each week with a group of wonderful people that are also fighting the same battle.  They truly care about each other and it is a place where I can finally be myself with no worry of others judging me.

With that said, I am looking forward to the holidays and new year with hope.  What a simple word hope is, but to a gambler who spent years hoping and many time praying for a way out and to pay off the debt, it is amazing.  I actually decorated for Christmas this year and it wasn't just for the kids.  It was a lot of fun!  Anyhow, since I am focusing on one day at a time, I am going to sign off for today and watch a movie with the family.

 Please feel free if to post a comment, to tell your story, or even vent about your day.  I would love to hear from you!

Jolene