9. Nearing the end of 2010

Today I was thinking about all of the things that happened this year.  It is amazing how fast time goes by.  The thought that keeps bothering me is that I really only remember the last three months.  Prior to that I lived in my own personal (made up) reality.  I spent my time within the four walls of a casino or when I was not gambling I was stressed out about the money I lost and the bills I had not paid.  The truth is that I did not spend much time with my family.  If I did, I may have been there physically, but most of it was really an act.  My mind was always somewhere else.  When I was gambling I also avoided dealing with my emotions.  The casino was my escape.  Over the last three months I have actually taken time for myself.  I have dealt with many of the issues that were causing stress in my life.  My life has improved ten fold.  It amazes me that things have improved so quickly.  The greatest thing that has happened is the improved relationships with my teenagers.  I missed so much.

Now that we are moving on to 2011, I am honestly looking forward to the new year instead of dreading it.  It is an awesome feeling.  Financially we are doing so much better.  This is truly the first Christmas that I did not worry about spending my "casino" money.  How sad is that?  I took so much away from my family.  It still makes me ill. I do feel much better about myself now.  It is empowering to know that I am dealing with this addiction.  My self-esteem has improved as well.  That feeling of worthlessness is going away faster than I ever thought it could.

Normally the holidays included going to the casino.  I was always rushing through the time with family so we could go to the casino afterwards.  This year, I am going to actually "spend" the time with my family and take in every moment of it.  What an amazing gift that is.

As long as I keep moving forward, work on improving the person that I am, and continue to take things one day at a time I am positive that I stay away from gambling.  The more time that passes by, the less I think about it.  Thankfully, it is still not appealing.  I remember hitting rock bottom and do not want to ever go back to that horrible place again.

Tomorrow morning I get to watch my children open presents!  We celebrate the holiday on Christmas Eve.  My daughter is so excited and I am really looking forward to watching her open her presents.  The teenagers are also excited.  She is 3 1/2 so she actually understands what presents are now.

All of my children will be together and my wonderful husband will be right by my side.  This year I am most thankful for my husband.  He still does not bring up my past mistakes.  He is supportive and loving and for this I am so grateful.  I am also incredibly thankful that I have God back in my life.  His forgiveness is amazing.  It brings a peace to my mind and heart that nothing else ever could.

I am looking forward to making it through 2011 without going to the casino.  That is my new goal!  I cannot even imagine where our family will be at this time next year.  I have hope again!

On Saturday morning I get to see my GA family.  I am looking forward to that too.  I think of those who are doing this alone and pray for them.  My thoughts are always with those who go through the holidays alone.

I hope all of you who are reading this have a wonderful holiday and wish you all the best in the new year.  Things will be crazy till the end of the year, but I will try to continue adding to my blog as often as I can.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!