8. 90-Day Mark

Tomorrow is my 90-day mark since I started GA.  It is an exciting step toward my recovery though I understand that it will likely get more difficult as time goes on.  I am dealing with a lot of anxiety over this.  It is intimidating to look ahead and know that there is so much work to do toward my recovery.  When I first started GA I thought, well, I'll probably go for a year, maybe a little less.  Then, I will have the tools to beat this addiction.  It wasn't until I started the meetings that I realized it's not about the money.  The reality is it is about dealing with my character flaws.  I need to find new ways to manage stress and disappointments, rebuild my relationship with God, focus outside myself, and so many other things.  When I was gambling, I phased God out of my life.  As a Christian, it was always important to me to not be a hypocrite, so I essentially ignored God and tried to do everything on my own.  The reality was that I should have turned to him to much earlier and asked for help.  Hindsight is truly 20/20.

I am thankful that the first 90-days have passed by quickly and to be honest, painlessly after the first five weeks or so.  It is completely different than when I tried to stop on my own.  The withdrawals and mood swings, depression, and other side effects I experienced during those times were terrible.  This is different because I made the choice in my mind that I was done.  Then, I sought out a support group that keeps me focused each week.  I read the one-day-at a time book and work on my blog.  All of these tools are helping me and I do not feel like I am doing it alone.  I cannot believe the difference between doing it alone and seeking help.  I am one of those people who keeps my personal stuff personal.  I may have many friends, but very few really see the true me.  The reality it, my husband is my best friend and outside of that, I may share bits and pieces of my life, but never truly open up.  This blog has definitely been a learning experience.  I have stopped reading and rereading everything I write.  Otherwise, I want to cut things out!  I do not think I have ever felt so welcome and accepted as I do with my Saturday group - for that, I am very thankful.

Tomorrow is our meeting and mini-Christmas party!  I am very excited about that.  My husband and I really look forward to our meetings.  He goes to the Gam Anon meeting that takes place at the same time.  He started out going as a support for me, but then realized that it is a support group for him.  After the meetings it provides an opportunity for us to discuss what we learned during out meetings.  We never share names, just thoughts and stories.  It created an outlet for both of us to discuss our thoughts and then once we get home, we do not discuss it any further.  I like the fact that my whole life is not focused around fighting this addiction.  In many ways, I feel that I am very lucky that I sought help as early in my gambling years as I did.  Also, having four kids, I was unable to go to the casino more than once or twice a week at the most.  Sometimes it was twice a month.  Don't worry though, I made up for it the limited times I could go, not in a good way of course.  The benefit to that is that I probably do not get the cravings as often and they are far enough apart that they do not build up or cause me to be edgy and mad.  My husband is grateful for that!

The one thing I do know is that I am no different than any other compulsive gambler.  Just one bet, no matter how small, would start me right back down the path to destruction.

My outlook on recovery is this:

The Climb

We are walking on a trail that leads up to the top of a mountain. There is an amazing view far beyond your imagination.  It brings an overwhelming feeling of peace and awe when you look across all of the peaks and valleys that you traveled.  That calm and peace is waiting for us.

Along the way, we walk near very steep ledges and cliffs.  If we are not paying attention, we may fall.  This could be a minor fall where you can get back up and keep walking or it could be a major "fall" where you start over at the bottom; that is if you can survive.  

The trail winds up the mountain so there are many switchbacks.  The switchbacks are the easier parts where you can rest and breathe for a short while.  This is where you can marvel at how far you have come and plan for where you are going.  Then, it is back to climbing up the steeper parts of the mountain again.  

Take a moment to picture how it will feel to reach the top, that calming peacefulness and  wonderful feeling of accomplishment.  The amazing view, one that you have never seen before, will be breathtaking.  At that moment, when you are in that place, you will realize how far you have come and find that the journey to recovery brought about life altering changes, renewed strength, and peace to your soul .   

This to me is recovery.