Saturday was a great day. I went to the GA meeting in the morning. It was great to see everyone. I look forward to it all week. When you look around the room and see all of the people who have made it over a year it is so inspiring. My 90 days is coming up on December 18. In many ways it has gone by quickly, which is very surprising to me. I still think about the casino, but when I do I think of my family and the people in the GA meeting. I want to be an inspiration to those around me and I want to prove to myself that I can control this addiction.
Ever since I made the choice to go to GA and acknowledged my gambling problem I have seen so many positive changes in my life. The thing that still amazes me is how my whole life was impacted by gambling, not just my financial situation. I am becoming a better person. As a mom, I am focusing so much more on my children. I enjoy every moment that we spend together. It makes me sad when I think about all of the time I missed with them. I may have physically been present, but mentally I was a million miles away. Either I was wishing I was at the casino or I was devastatingly depressed and sick from the financial stress that gambling caused in my life.
There were many times that I felt like I was going to have a heart attach or stroke. The amount of emotional distress was overwhelming. I was truly on the verge of going insane. Since I am bipolar there are many times that it is a battle just to get through the day. The majority of my illness causes me to be depressed. During those times I shut out the world and avoid reality. This is my coping mechanism so I do not fall into deep depression. The casino was my escape from reality.
Now I am starting to live in reality and find healthier ways to deal with my illness. When I focus outside of myself I start to feel better. When I am not going through the highs and lows of gambling I have more energy to face my illness. Another great part about recovery is that when I am heading towards the manic, high energy side of my illness I am not throwing incredible amounts of money away. Slowly I am starting to feel more in control of my life. It is incredible to feel that I have some form of control again. Of course, I am on countless medications and am pretty sure I could qualify as a walking pharmacy, but I am happier, more productive, and present in life. Those changes alone make every battle with my gambling addiction easier to fight. Never again do I want to go back to that feeling of utter despair, that dark and horrible place - alone, desperate, afraid, and empty. Now I have hope, feel at peace, and am so thankful for this new life.
The hardest part of recovery for me is when I look at the bills, start feeling emotions that I bottled up for so many years, and get that overwhelming panic and disgust at the mess I created. During those times I acknowledge my feelings, remind myself of how much I am improving, and then I have to tune it out and move my thoughts forward. If I allow myself to focus on the past for too long I know it will drive me back to the casino. Over time I hope to be able to stop hating myself for the lies, the loss of time, the financial devastation, and hurt that I caused. This is when I focus on "one day at a time." I cannot change everything overnight. There is no instant gratification with recovery. It is a slow, subtle change that will occur over the rest of my life.
Today I am thankful. I spent the day decorating the Christmas tree, painting ornaments with my daughters, and just watching how happy they were to spend time with me. Hearing my youngest daughter's laugh brought so much peace and happiness. I am starting to feel emotions again. I am still shocked by how numb I was. The only thing I "thought" that I enjoyed in life was the "action" at the casino. If I wasn't gambling, life was dull and boring. This new quieter life is now becoming something I look forward to. When I get that urge for competition, a challenge, or some type of action, I either play a game with my family or play a game on the computer. Being a highly competitive person, it is important for me to find a healthy way to satisfy this part of my personality. Of course, I have to make sure I spread out my hobbies and do not trade one addiction for another.
After reading up on gambling addiction it was very clear that obsessive-compulsive disorder can play a large part in our addiction. I am learning to recognize when I start devoting all of my time to one particular activity and I am trying to live a more balanced life. Having spent my entire life diving head first into activities, whether it was skiing, camping, fly fishing, playing games, playing pool, painting, or any other activity, it is strange to start finding a balance. I am one of those people who start an activity or "hobby" and that is all I want to do for days and weeks on end. Even though the activities listed above are all healthy, the motto "everything in moderation" is very true. This is one of my many character flaws that I will work towards changing over the coming months and years.
Well, it is time to watch a movie with my family. I have to make sure blogging does not become a new addiction as well!
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate your thoughts and time.
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