It was great to go back to my GA meeting today. I missed one week and it felt like so much longer. Today I was brought right back to how I felt the day I attended my first meeting. I felt horrible, worthless, desperate, and every other imaginable terrible feeling and it completely overwhelmed me. Hearing the story of another member's pain and despair was difficult, but so vital in reminding me that I am always one bet away from gambling again. I never want to feel that way again, ever. Life has so many challenges and disappointments. At times we hit those lows where we cannot see our way out. Everything seems so hopeless. We become tunnel visioned, lost in the moment and unable to see outside our circumstances. It can be so disabling and discouraging when you hit that level of disgust and despair. Hearing from someone else who was at that point of utter hopelessness, reiterated the true reality of gambling. It will ultimately lead you into insanity, prison or death.
Today I shared something that was difficult for me but I prayed with every ounce of my being that it would help another lost soul. Almost a year ago to the day I had gone through a three-month gambling binge that spiraled my life completely out of control. I was trapped, felt like I was suffocating and buried, financially destitute, and had lost all self esteem. I felt that I had failed my family. I hated myself, I could see no way out, and wanted to just leave it all behind. I felt my family and everyone around me would be better off without me. I was worthless, selfish, stupid, scared, disgusted, panicked, and empty. There was nothing left to give and I could no longer take care of even myself. At that point I knew I wanted it to all end, but also knew that I could never leave my children and husband without hurting them. I knew that if I committed suicide it would be an easy out for me, but leave a lifetime of hurt and horrible pain for my family.
I did not feel safe in my own skin, nor did I trust myself not to do something "final" or stupid. It was at that moment that I drove to the nearest hospital. I told them that I did not want to end my life, but felt like I was going insane, I could no longer cope with reality, and I needed help. The staff were wonderful, did not look down upon me and were actually proud of me for seeking help. Really, at that point I just did not care what anyone thought. They transferred me to a nearby hospital that treated mental health disorders. It was there that I could escape without making a permanent decision. I was able to talk with counselors, which I always avoided in the past. They were able to work with my bipolar illness and take the fast track to getting my emotions balanced again. At the point that I checked in I had not slept more than three hours a night for over six months. The stress from gambling coupled with daily life helped fuel my "manic" and "major depressive" disorders simultaneously. I do not believe that it was the bipolar illness that led me there. I believe it was the compulsive gambling illness that triggered a manic episode - a deadly combination.
I work in a vital management position with a tremendous amount of stress. Amazingly, I worked with the HR manager and was able to "explain" my hospitalization as an adverse reaction to medication. Not only did I have a job anxiously waiting for me to return, but they were only concerned about my well being. In a place where expectations are always extremely high and even missing a sick day is greatly frowned upon, I was actually told "not" to come back until I was ready. They wanted me to get better first.
The first three nights in the hospital I stayed awake almost all night and could not sleep, my mind was still going a hundred miles an hour. They prescribed sleep medication and the first two they tried did not even remotely bring me down from the mania. By the end of the third day they found something that worked. The high doses of depression and anxiety medication helped me start thinking logically. My gambling binge caused me to feel like I was going insane, on the verge of losing it, and giving up was the only way I could see an end to the pain. Gambling made me insane, the damage, the financial desperation, the emotional despair, it made me mentally and physically sick. As I worked through the sessions and met other people going through difficult times I was able to step back from my personal hell and finally see outside of myself. I was able to see that there were people who loved and needed me desperately.
My husband and children came to visit me every day. I thought they would see me as being weak, I was always the strong one. The love that they expressed to me, not with words, but just looking into their faces was overwhelming. I still felt that I did not deserve it, but I also knew that I could not leave my children and break their hearts. Not be there for their graduations, weddings, children, and whatever other wonderful thing they had to look forward to. If I were to leave I would leave a gaping hole in their hearts that would never heal and I would be remembered for being selfish and stupid. I have a good heart, am smart, hard working, love my family, and try to treat others the way I would want to be treated. If I had taken the easy way out, I would have thrown away every positive thing I had ever done in life and be remembered poorly. I would never want to leave that way - no matter how bad things were.
So many people fight battles every day that are truly not their fault. They face horrible illnesses, loss of loved ones, and challenges in life that do not come close to what I had faced. If they could make it through and find hope on the other side, then I could do the same. Even if I did not feel like I could do it right at that time. I knew that someday I could and had to own up to the fact that I created my own reality and I had to work to make things right.
When I came back to work I was more focused, still stressed out, but I no longer felt like I was drowning.
I am telling you this because I know that many of us have felt that utter despair, it is what you choose to do at that moment, that lowest time in your life that matters. Gambling can send us into that despair in an instant. It can turn your world upside down over extended periods of time or many times in one sudden and final crash.
My GA family amazes me. We share so many personal, humiliating, and inspiring stories, that can cause amazing healing to occur. They are never judgmental and the love I felt in that room today was my personal equivalent to the day I took God into my life. Knowing that others could love me, just the way I am is awe inspiring. Feeling the depth of emotion and love in that room today only solidified in my mind the importance of that group to my recovery. Never again do I want to feel that utter despair, but if I ever do, I will have my GA family and friends to support me and believe in me when no one else will.
I want to say thank you to all of you for your support, love, and encouragement. Every member in that room and anyone who reads these pages is loved. We are all connected through a very strong bond. Whether we know each other or not. We all have been down that road. In some ways I am thankful for hitting rock bottom, because I found a human type of love that I did not really know existed. I always went through life with a positive front and outgoing personality. I never let anyone in past my invisible barriers. If I never let anyone truly know my heart then I would never get hurt. During our meetings we all share things on our hearts, things that we would most likely never share with even our closest friends. If we are lucky enough to still have friends after our isolation and self absorption with gambling.
Personally, I isolated myself in the casino, hid from reality, and lived numb to emotion. That resulted in the loss of any of the few friends I did have. Luckily, I have an amazing husband who must be crazy, insane, or something since he still loves me 100%. I was missing that human interaction. That void is now filled with my GA family, I consider them my friends, I pray for them during the week, and think of them often. I value those relationships more than I could ever explain.
My prayers and thoughts will be with those still dealing with the horrors that this illness can bring about and am available by email at recoveryandhope@gmail.com if you ever need or want to talk.
I am thankful, thankful that I am starting 2011 with a new life, drastically improved relationships with my children and husband, and am learning what it is like to have hope again. If I had taken a different path a year ago, decided upon a permanent solution verses a short-term escape, I would not have had the chance to see my youngest daughter turn three, the next daughter turn 14, the oldest daughter turn 16, and my son graduate high school. I am grateful for every day I have on this earth and am working toward being a better person along the way. When I look at my children I cannot picture the pain I would have caused them.
Through my recovery I see all of the wrongs and selfish choices I made along the way, but the best way I can start toward redeeming myself and the negative impact I had on their lives is to be here for them today.
Gambling is an illness, a terrible stealth addiction that can attack anyone, no matter what there education is, how much wealth or lack of wealth they have, no matter what race, gender, age, or any other differentiator. I equate it to the devil. It is evil.
Recovery is helping me remove that evil from my life. I will not let it win, I am better than that. We all deserve to be happy. We are not bad people. We are good people, with good hearts, who have a terrible illness - addiction. It is not something we chose. It happened, and now it is our responsibility to acknowledge it and move forward.
Thank you all for your support, love, hope, and guidance. I could never do this without you and my higher power.
To those suffering, you are in my thoughts and prayers, no matter where you may be.
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