13. Challenging day today

Today was one of those days where you knew straight from the beginning of the day that everything would be a challenge.  I won't bore you with the details, but let me tell you, at some point I just had to laugh because it would be pretty hard for anything else to go wrong!  Nothing important, all trivial little things that added up to utter exhaustion at the end of the day!

In the past, days like today would have sent me straight to the casino to escape.  Instead, I came straight home and got on the computer to play my favorite Facebook games.  In some ways, part of my addiction transferred over to escaping on the computer.  I am aware of this fact, but there are times where I just don't want to log off because I end up thinking about the workday or spending my evening cleaning around the house.

So, I need to start doing different things again to relax.  If I vary my activities I maintain a healthier balance in my life and tend to be happier and less agitated.  The increased time spent playing on the computer all of the time started to pickup after I had my knee surgery at the end of December.  I think it continued once my knee started getting better, but I started getting sick.  It was only that run down achy and tired feeling, but enough to keep me down.  Then my husband got extremely sick for about four days.  He has started feeling better over the last five days, but sleeping a lot after work and going to bed early which is understandable.  It is strange how lonely I feel when I do not have that companionship with my husband when I get home.  I miss it.  This evening I told him that I cannot wait till we both feel better so we can start playing pool again.  That is one of my favorite ways to wind down after work.

It is funny (sort of) how easy it is to simply trade one addiction for another.  The new addiction may not be as damaging or obvious, but the reality is that anything that consumes the majority of your time and energy on a regular basis; something that isolates you from others, can also be bad for you.

Moving forward starting today, I am going to refocus on balancing my life again.  I know it is nothing major to worry about at the moment, but it could be if it starts to become a constant habit.

My ideas for change include a combination of exercising (minimally at first with my knee); playing pool with my husband; setting aside at least an hour each night to play and read with my daughter; posting to this blog and my poetry and writing blog (which I started, but have not posted on yet); and working on small projects around the house like accent painting a few walls, organizing the playroom, and rearranging furniture).

These activities got me through the first few months of my recovery and played a very big part in improving my overall well being.

I am looking forward to the winter being over.  This spring and summer will involve a lot of hiking, camping, maybe fly fishing again, swimming, and several other outdoor activities.  It is amazing how much better I feel when I am outside.  I think it is especially important when you work indoors for 9-12 hours a day and then spend three hours in the car commuting.

Most of my random daily posts have discussed the positive things that naturally come about when you quit gambling, but I have not written a lot about the days that are "average," "boring," "stressful," or "depressing."  Luckily, the positives have outweighed the negatives by far, but there are still up and down days.  Life itself does not get easier just because you quit gambling (though it certainly helps!).  Life is life, "it happens," and there are many things that we cannot change because they would require changing someone else.  The common saying that we can only change ourselves and not those around us is very true.  A big part of my growth through this recovery is when I remember that I cannot change those around me.  I can however change how I view the situation and either opt to focus solely on the negatives or work toward finding the positives.  It takes a lot less effort to be thankful and accept life as it comes, than it does to focus on the negatives and waste unnecessary effort trying to change things that we cannot.

Time to log off and get rest before a new day.  Keep sending your emails and comments!  I always try to respond the same day.  I wish you the best with your goal for the day!