22. Evaluating today and life over the last six months

It has been a while since I posted anything.  Everything has been going well, just had that really bad flu so I was out for several days.

I am still fighting a kind of depressive funk.  When I am stuck in the house for several days, my depressive side starts to kick in.  What is frustrating is that I am unable to pinpoint why I feel down, irritable, or sad.  It drives me crazy!

Most Sundays I spend a lot of my time dreading going to work on Monday.  In the past, I cannot say I really looked forward to Mondays, but I did not let it impact my weekend.  Now, I really do hate the idea of diving back into the real world each Monday.  Maybe it is because I love my home life and there is nowhere else I would rather be.

I think the part about going to work on Monday that I hate is commuting for an hour and forty minutes to get to work.  When I wake up, my daughter is always snuggled right in next to me sound asleep.  It is so hard to get up and go through the morning routine.  Many times it is so challenging and difficult just to get out of bed.  It is amazing how depression can take so much energy and hope out of a person.  It is debilitating and agitating, especially when there is no major reason for feeling the way you do.

Often times I catch myself almost feeling sorry for myself because I am unable to work from home and stay home with my youngest like we had planned before we decided to get pregnant.  Life happens, job loss happens, and unforeseen things happen, it is how you deal with it that impacts your quality of life.  Lately, I feel like I am just not dealing with it as well as usual.  There is no justifiable reason for my increased anxiety or depression, besides our cars breaking down, and money issues, but everyone has to deal with that. Many times I ask myself why I am still weak and have such a hard time dealing with every day life at times.  Then, I take the time to write down what is bothering me and I start to feel better.  To simply address my fears and anxiety head on makes a huge difference.

Lately I have been spending a lot of time reading up on self-help information.  I feel that if you can learn to deal with life on "life's terms," everything else will be easier.

Dealing with a gambling problem has allowed me to focus on other areas of my life.  It has lead me to recognize my subconscious thoughts, to start finding better ways to deal with disappointment, stress, anxiety, etc.

Before I started recovery, all of the emotions and feelings I just listed would drive me straight to the casino.  When I look at it in hindsight, that was the last thing I should have done.  It was a quick fix that only lasted while I was inside the casino.  The minute I left, many times even if I won, the feelings that caused me to gamble compounded.  What may have been a few things that were bothering me turned into true problems that I created.  Who in their right mind would continually put themselves through that type of stress and call it fun!  Obviously it is a form of illness - insanity!

Besides the high possibility of losing my husband after my last three-month binge of gambling, I honestly believed that I was going to have a stroke or heart attack.  That level of self-induced stress is truly debilitating.  So, what does a compulsive gambler do?  They go back to the casino because somehow we have subconsciously convinced ourselves that we worked hard, had a good job, and deserved it.  That it was relaxing, a place to escape our worries, and get away from everything. The problem is, that only causes the problems in all areas of our lives to worsen.  Many times, it may not have been the money lost that was the issue.  I can almost guarantee that most of us are pretty good at what we did or at least knew when to cut our losses, walk away, and try another day.

In my case, I won for years, never walked in with more than 40 dollars and almost always won.  It was fun and exciting, it did not cause stress in my life back then.  Then, I believe that the underlying problems in my life, the ones that were set off to the side while I was focused on gambling, began to multiply.  This included anything from ignoring paying a bill so I could go to the casino to starting to miss work or go home "sick" as soon as the urge hit me, to losing interest in all of my hobbies, losing sleep and dealing with insomnia, compounding my depression and anxiety, and so much more.  Initially those overwhelming compulsions to gamble were few and far between.



When I find myself falling into my depressive moods and dealing with anxiety, it is my reminder to focus inward, to write down what it bothering me, and to take time for me (but not too much time).

Next week I will have been in recovery for six months.  Six months without going to a casino, buying a scratch ticket, or anything else.  To some that may seem like a short time.  To a gambler who is considering to seek help, the thought of going without gambling for even a day, a week, or a month seems completely ridiculous.  Why would we ever want to stop completely? We love gambling - what an ironic statement.  Anyhow, I am happy to have made it this far.  Life still continues to be challenging, but I am no longer bringing additional stress and financial devastation into my life.  I am actually living in the present now and feeling true emotion again.  The guilt that I used to feel daily, the horrible self image that I had, and the unbearable despair that I felt is no longer an every day part of my life.

When I do look at our finances and become frustrated by the financial hole that I put my family in, it is easy to get lost in the past, to want to give up, or to try that one last time to hit the big win.  The reality is, there is never a "big win" that will be enough to make a compulsive gambler quit gambling.  It will only fire up their addiction and probably double the devastation down the road.  Occasionally I still have fleeting thoughts of the casino cross my mind, but I am still filled with the disgust and remember every last detail of hitting rock bottom.  I hated myself, felt I was a horrible person, completely worthless, a liar, terrible parent, horrible wife, and just plain "no good."  The only reason I stayed alive was for my children.  I did not want my family to remember me as a quitter or loser, or most importantly weak.

When you meet with other compulsive gamblers who are also seeking help, the first thing that is obvious is that gamblers are not stupid, they generally have good jobs, established retirements, and are smart people. Many had good credit, paid their bills, and lead good lives.  This horrible addiction took so much away from so many people, it is sad to see the devastation it caused in so many lives.

If I ever have the urge to gamble, I just have to mentally take myself back to where I was six months ago.  It it not difficult to remember.   Those thoughts, those feelings, the horror, and guilt are always with me and it is easy to remember them when I need to.  The rest of the time, I can acknowledge my guilt about my mistakes, but have to simply focus on the fact that I cannot change the past, but I can definitely change the future and am taking the steps to do so through my recovery.  That is what matters, that is what is making me a better person, and that is what truly shows courage and strength.  The willingness to admit you have a problem, and then taking the action to turn your life around.  That is something to be proud of and to keep you going forward in your recovery.

I wish you the best.