The first time I started to realize that I had a gambling problem I merely pushed it to the back of my mind and led myself to believe that I could stop at any time. I loved the casino. It was the one place where I could escape from reality and not think about the stress that comes with life. It was so exciting when I hit a jackpot, which happened quite often in the beginning. I would win a jackpot and simply walk out of the casino, I would spend the money on bills or something fun. Over the period of a year I always came out ahead. My systems for winning on the slot machines seemed to work, it was like I had this streak of good luck that was always with me. It wasn't until years later that I truly started to lose money, bet more, return to try and win money, and spend most of my winnings the same night I won.
When I started losing control over my gambling I was in denial. I figured I could just stop at any time. Looking back at everything I did to maintain the image that I was completely in control like everyone else, it amazes me. First it started out with the small lies. I would tell my husband that I spent $40 instead of $60, then it became more and more money. Each payday I would allocate a certain amount of my paycheck towards gambling. I figured I deserved it, I had a good job, made good money, and didn't spend my money on other extravagant expenditures. Then, I gradually started putting bills off until the next payday so I could have more money to gamble with. All I had to do was win a jackpot or even double my money and we would be fine. Over time the money started to become a bigger problem, I had to try and win more money, more often than not I just dug a bigger financial hole.
If only then, the first time I realized my gambling was causing me stress instead of being my escape, how different my life would already be. Now that I am in recovery and not going to the casino it amazes me how much better I feel already. It is by no means easy, but I can tell you that the relief and empowerment of taking back control of your life is incredible.
In my next post I will elaborate on the downward spiral that lead me to GA. It is a long, embarrassing, and humiliating story, but I want to share it with you. I hope I can provide hope and help even just one person in their struggle with this horrible disease.
I have a page on my blog that contains links to several helpful, informative sites. The first time I took the 20 questions test it was like the test was written just for me.
***On March 13, 2011 - post 22, I continue to elaborate on the downward spiral due to gambling addiction and the changes due to recovery at almost six months.
***On March 13, 2011 - post 22, I continue to elaborate on the downward spiral due to gambling addiction and the changes due to recovery at almost six months.
